Funny Alternate ToS Scenarios
by Chosen Zelos
Summary: In No Particular Order at all. The Ass Guard Saga Concludes FINALLY!
1. Funny Alternate Ending

**Let it Begin With a Bad Ending**

_What about an alternate ending where ironically, everyone dies because Lloyd screwed them over... I would get a little angry and laugh my ass off at the same time. I was bored and came up with this. _

_When you pick Kratos, and you finish the game, giggles:_

In the Renegade base, Raine and Lloyd are near a room were shiney and destructive weapons are.

RAINE- 'Lloyd, don't press that button!'

LLOYD- 'Why not, it's cool looking.'

RAINE- 'No, a button that says 'Blow up Planet' is not good!'

LLOYD- 'But it's Shiney... SHINEY!

RAINE- 'Shiney things can be very dangerous. AND THIS BUTTON IS VERY DANGEROUS!'

LLOYD- 'If it was dangerous, why would they make it?'

RAINE- '... well...'

LLOYD- 'PUSH!' Pushes, world blows up, ending credits/cutscene in which they're in heaven yelling at Lloyd.

SHEENA- 'Goddam you're dumb!'

GENIS- 'You saved the world, and now you blew it up, that's just wrong!'

LLOYD- 'I... I did it for the good of the Tree... right Colette?'

COLETTE- 'Uh... Oh, who are we kidding. You're a goddam moron.

Everyone gasps

Zelos flies by.

ZELOS- 'Hey, long time no see... I didn't expect you all to die so soon... Let me guess. Lloyd blew up the Earth right?'

YUAN- 'Yes, yes he did... even I saw this coming.'

Zelos goes and hugs Lloyd

ZELOS- 'Aw, you killed yourself and all of our friends just so I won't be lonely, right?'

LLOYD- 'Uhh... yeah sure, that's what I did.'

ZELOS- 'Bud! Yay!'

PRESEA- 'I feel the opposite of love for Lloyd, is this de-love?'

REGAL- 'That is called 'anger' remember, we're very angry at Lloyd... except for me. Later, I'm gonna go see your sister.'

PRESEA- 'Ok... afterwards, you wanna see if Vharley or Rodyle ended up here and go beat them up.'

REGAL- 'I'm pretty sure they're in Hell, but it's worth a look, sure.'

GENIS- '... I'm gonna go find my dad.'

RAINE- 'Me too.'

SHEENA- '... Maybe my birth parents are here... later! Thanks Lloyd.'

COLETTE- 'Since my real parents are angels... I'm gonna go find them.'

LLOYD- 'But wasn't that a... nevermind. Bye. I wonder how Dad is feeling about this back on Derris Kharlan?'

Derris Kharlan, Kratos sees the blown up earth.

KRATOS- '... Hmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmm, ok.' walks away.

Back in heaven

ZELOS- 'Well Lloyd, you made everyone happy by killing them.'

LLOYD- 'So this truly is a happy ending.'

In Hell, Mithos Yggdrassil boss's around Hell Minions.

YGGDRASSIL- 'Huah ha ha ha... If I can't have the perfect world, I can at least have the perfect Hell!' A demon walks to him, and whispers something. 'WHAT, Lloyd blew up the Earth... By pushing the button? I coulda given him that same technology, tell him it was shiney candy, leave Earth, have it blown up and be done with it... what the Hel... here! And now an angel ruling over Hell, can this game get anymore horribly ironic... end this right now... NOW!'

PRONYMA- 'Lord Yggdrassil, who are you talking to?'

YGGDRASSIL- 'The creators of this game! Those little devils right there in the corner... I said stop!'

He burns the demons, grabs the pen they were using for writing the script. And starts scribbling and writing.

YGGDRASSIL- 'Here's your ending. Mithos wins, Lloyd burns in eternal Hell fire. Mithos and Martel live happily ever after in Derris Kharlan... of course, after he skinned off Kratos and made him into a rug. Hee hee hee. Now...'

Yggdrassil turns on his gamecube.

YGGDRASSIL- 'Ok, new game of 'Tales of Yggdrassil'. Huah ha ha ha ha ha ha ha haaa ha ah ha!'

MAGNIUS- 'I CALL REGAL, WHEN YOU GET HIM FROM MIZUHO OF COURSE!'

YGGDRASSIL- '...No, I get him.'

MAGNIUS- 'BUT YOU ALWAYS PLAY AS LLOYD... and sometimes Colette!'

YGGDRASSIL- 'Shush... no one must know... fine. Until then, you wanna be Raine when I get her?'

MAGNIUS- 'YEAH SURE, SHE'S HOT AND SO...'

YGGDRASSIL- ''And so am I because I use fire!' Yeah yeah, whatever! Now shut up and get Forcystus, I just know he wants to be Genis.'

MAGNIUS- 'WHY GENIS!'

FORCYSTUS- 'Because he's the best.'

YGGDRASSIL- 'Yeah, he's cool. Now let's play!'

Fin


	2. Funny Alternate Iselia Ranch Event

**No One Can Be this Stupid … It's Just Not Possible?**

_I'm bored, I'm makin' fun of more stuff. The title should be pretty self-explanatory. Enjoy:_

LLOYD- Augg, I don't understand this technology at all, I can't turn off the Mana Thingy.

KRATOS- Let me do it.

LLOYD- Nah, I'm cool.

KRATOS- ARe you sure... I know what to do, I'm right here, I could just press a button and you'll be fine. You barely know how to fry an egg. 

LLOYD- Hey... Eggs are hard to cook.

KRATOS- No they're not, you just HEAT them. You could just put it in the microwave!

LLOYD- What's a microwave?

KRATOS- Its... like a heating utensil in the shape of a TV.

LLOYD- What's a TV?

KRATOS- ...It's a info box of some sort. Where you could watch local weather events, history, news, cartoons, etc. In one channel, it's like a walking newspaper.

LLOYD- ...Newsssss... PaPer?

KRATOS- ... Is Sylverant really that deprived of Tethealla's technology, is that land so primitive, or are you just a complete moron?

LLOYD- A little bit of column A and a little bit of column B!

KRATOS- ...Wow.

LLOYD- What?

KRATOS- I just realized how dumb you are, then my bowls just collapsed. 

LLOYD- ... Wha-

KRATOS- And If You Say What Are 'BoWels!' or, What Is 'ColapSe' mean, I Swear I'll Murder You In You're Sleep!

LLOYD- ...What is dumb?

KRATOS-... MMMMMMMMM ARGGGGGGGGGGGHHHHHHHHHH! 

LLOYD- Just kidding. Damn … Kra... Kratos?

KRATOS- 

LLOYD- Kratos?

KRATOS- 

LLOYD- Oh crap, you're a vegatable now! This is just great... I really don't know what to do now! I can't turn off this... I can barely read a sign! Wah!

GENIS- ARGGGG, enough of this! FireBall!

LLOYD- Whoa, you blew up the machine!

GENIS- Yup, now the Mana Reactor is disconnected, and no more mana is being drawn into the Giant Tree.

LLOYD- ...Well I Coulda Done That!

GENIS- Shaddup!

LLOYD- What?

GENIS- You... what happened to Kratos?

KRATOS- 

LLOYD- I think... he caught my stupid!

GENIS- Only that could happen to him!

LLOYD- What ever, lets carry him to the front where Zelos and the others are.

RAINE- How are we suppose to carry him?

LLOYD- I have a plan! Now, we'll divide into two teams: Team AC/DC, which consists of myself and the Professor, and Team REM, which is you ,Genis, and Kratos.

GENIS- Wha? 

LLOYD- Team AC/DC, which is us two, will walk forward and continue in that fashion, and Team REM, will go together as well. REM will be slower, since Genis will have to carry Kratos.

GENIS- 

LLOYD- Along the way, there will be peril, a vending machine. The machine will consist of soda, and some candy. Team AC/DC will eat the candy, spill and drink the soda. Team REM will, which is Genis carrying Kratos, may face the slippery spilled soda, which Team AC/DC has no intentions of cleaning up, so REM will just have to prrevail. 

RAINE- Uh huh... Go on.

LLOYD- If we run into surviving Desian troopers, Team AC/DC will do the noble thing and moved aside so that Team REM can defeat them for us. Afterwards, Team AC/DC will claim all the exp. and the titles that come with, and I will be the one to say 'Man, that was pathetic' in the same gay voice as the Captain of Team REM's follower is. As we exit, mission will be complete. Any q's?

GENIS- ... Um.

RAINE- Nope.

LLOYD- Great, let's go!

Hours later, all of Lloyd's stupid predictions came true, and they reached the exit

COLETTE- Lloyd, thank goodness you're ok.

LLOYD- Is everybo- Eyah! Hit by Forcystus

FORCYSTUS- Didn't see that comin', did ya dummy!

GENIS- Yay... I mean Gasp

RAINE- Oh no!

FORCYSTUS- I am one of the 5 Desian Grand Cardinals, I won't die that easily! 

KRATOS- Muah blah nah sah qua kah man ah RepresenTa balh lah kah gah jah! 

FORCYSTUS- I knew it, you're Kratos!

KRATOS- I am? That's a **funny** name for a grapefruit! Coo Koo CaChu!

FORCYSTUS- Don't try and talk your way outta this!

KRATOS- Mah mah mah, doh! Getting Jiggily With it! Peace Out! Shaka shakka shakka Khan!

FORCYSTUS- Lord Yggdrassil trusted you, and you betrayed us... this is why humans cannot be trusted! Aims for Chocolat, hits Colette

LLOYD- Oh dear... Colette?

COLETTE- Not moving

LLOYD- You shouldn't be sleeping there... Colette? Wake up Colette! 

FORCYSTUS- I... think she's passed out, or dead, even better.

LLOYD- Oh, ok.

FORCYSTUS- ...Don't you care?

LLOYD- I'll jst see her tomarrow, otherwise, the tooth fairy won't give her a coin! You have to be a sleep in order to recieve 1 gald. 

FORCYSTUS- ... Blast's a tree

LLOYD- No, You Bastard! Stabs Forcystus

FORCYSTUS- Uggg... Lord Yggdrassil, Glory to the new age of Ha-

LLOYD- Yah yah yah, we know, and we don't care.

FORCYSTUS- Uggg Dissappears

LLOYD- Ahhh! Where'd he go! Tooth Fairy, why did you for sake me! Gets hit on the head by the now normal Kratos

KRATOS- Dumass, Raine, send the signal to Sheena, I'll check on Colette. 

PRESEA- What about Lloyd?

KRATOS- Who?

REGAL- The kid you just knocked out?

KRATOS- Oh, we'll just take him to Iselia and let him rest, maybe when he wakes up he'll get smarter.

EVERYBODY- Don't count on it.

KRATOS- ...RePreSent!

ZELOS- What?

KRATOS- nothing, let's go, this place smells bad.

RAINE- Yea, hurry. Before Lloyd wakes up and tells us about how he wore his shoes backwards for an entire day and didn't notice.

KRATOS- Right, we're off!


	3. Funny Alternate Lord Remial Parody 1

**The Oracle?**

_Another addition of the Chosen Zelos **Funny** Collection. Here: __  
__FYI, Spoilers just like almost everything else **Funny** I write, I shoulda said that earlier, but I couldn't tell if anybody cared so... Here:_

Lloyd: So this is a Cruxis Crystal?

Colette- That's right, they said I was born with it in my hand.

Genis- Look!

Kratos, Lloyd, Genis and Colette look up, see a big bright light, and when the light vanishes, the 'Angel' Lord Remial appears

Genis- Is that Colette's real father?

Remial- Chosen of Mana, I Am Remial, an Angel of Cruxis. Sent here from Heaven to guide the Chosen on her journey of Regeneration... and by help, I mean: Appear for a minute telling you where to go everytime we meet, and I give you really cool stuff. I'm like Santa, if he died. Now, I shall place the Cruxis Crystal onto the Chosen with cool levetation powers, because the Chosen is too stupid to do it herself. 

Kratos- Of course.

Colette- Yup... HEY-

Remial- Shut up... I mean, recieve your powers... now.

The Cruxis Crystal turns bright red, as does everthing else when its important, then clings onto Colette's neck. We see Colette with a new Cruxis Crystal on her neck, kinda cool

Remial- From this day forward, you shall be known as the Chosen of Rebirth. We honer you-

Kratos- ... Rebirth?

Lloyd- Wasn't that last years Chosen?

Genis- ...I know I heard that name before... but Where?

Kratos- Looks at Remial 

Remial- Ah... I meant to say, Chosen of Destiny?

Kratos- ...

Remial- Chosen of... The World, Eternia, Symphonia-

Kratos- You're just saying the ending words from other 'Tales of' title games... even this game! Shame!

Genis- Thought so... but how-

Remial- Sorry... I meant to say, Chosen of... I dunno, you decide. We Shall Test Your Opinion in the Mighty Ways of the Angels! I'm thinking of a number between 1 and 10. What is it?

Lloyd- 2?

Genis- 4?

Colette- 6?

Kratos- 9,001.

Remial- Lor... the one in purple is correct.

Genis- You said between 1 and 10!

Remial- No, I said 1 and 10... 10,000. Yes, 1 and 10,000!

Kratos- The Chosen shall be known as Chosen of Regeneration.

Remial- YES, that's what I meant!... I mean, good choise.

Lloyd- Catchy.

Remial- Ok, lets get this over with. You shall be known as the Chosen of Regeneration. We of Cruxis now rise the Tower of Damnation upon Sylverent.

Lloyd, Colette and Genis- Yay! Sylverent will be saved.

Kratos- ...Tower of what?

Remial- ...Oh wait, this isn't the horrod land of darkness and demons, is it? 

Kratos- No This is Sylverant!

Remial- ...Oops. I'll just fix that... done. Tower of Salvation! Whew! 

Lloyd- So That's the Tower of Salvation.

Genis- Now Sylverant will be saved!

Remial- Chosen, go to the Seal of Fire, to recieve one of your many Angel abilities. And once you've unlocked all the seals, We'll Take Your Pathetic Body and Use It For Our Own... I mean, then you shall go to Heaven.

Kratos- 

Remial- ...I'll see ya'll at the Fire Seal, Good bye...

Colette- Wait, please wait! I have something to ask. Are you my father? 

Remial- No...I mean: Go to the next seals, and you shall become one of us, my beloved daughter Colette.

Colette- Fa... Father! So you are my father!

Remial- Yup... sure, bye!

Remial vanishes

Kratos- I'll take the Chosen home, lets go.

Kratos and Colette go through the Transport, Kratos and Colette then are outside

Kratos- Why don't you go ahead without me, I'll catch up later, ok. 

Colette- Oh, ok. Later.

Colette skips home, Kratos runs to behind the building in front of the Martel Temple, Remial is there waiting for him, they speak

Kratos- ...You Are An Idiot!

Remial- Forgive me Lord Kratos, I'm an intern and still hasn't gotten the grip of this whole 'Oracle' thing... I convinced them!

Kratos- You didn't know the title, you almost called for the wrong tower, and you said you were the Chosen's Father... What the Hell!

Remial- This could work! Colette will want to work harder, faster, better, faster, better, hard-

Kratos- I get it.

Remial- And with you helping her, theres no way this could fail. This is almost how it went with the Chosen of Heart. Except, You Aren't the Chosen, and the Heart, is the heart inside us all.

Kratos- ...What Are You Talking About?

Remial- ...I don't know, I was chosen for this job for my good looks. 

Kratos- ...Likewise. I guess you're ok. As one of the Four Seraphim, I'd like to say good luck.

Remial- It's an honer Lord Kratos.

Kratos dissappears

Remial- ...Heh, hee huah ha ha ha haa haa ha ah ha! Yes, it'll be an honer to be one of the Four Seraphim, once this pathetic girl becomes the Vessel, I'll be promoted and I'll be a God, huah ha ha ha haah! 

Kratos- reappears

Kratos- What?

Ramial- What?

Kratos- What did you just say?

Remial- Nothing.

Kratos- I thought I heard you say how you plan to be one of the Four Seraphim?

Remial- Nope.

Kratos- Oh, ok.

Kratos dissappears

Remial- Heh eh hee hee hee, fool. You never thought that I'd want to be part of the Four Seraphim! Huah ha ha ha haa ha ha ah... I better go, the Sun is not good for the Oracle's beautiful face. Hee hee hee, I'm So Evil!

Kratos- I'm still here you know.

Remial- Dammit!


	4. Funny Alternate Lord Remial Parody 2

**Daddy?**

_Another funny section from the Chosen Zelos Collection! Sequel to me making fun of Lord Remial, aka Stupid Silly Handsome Angel Dummy! __  
__Enjoy, oh yeah SPOILERS:_

In an ice cream parlor, Colette sits at a table all by her lonesome, eating Rocky Road out of a cup. Then she sees Lord Remial walking(Flying) to her.

Colette- Father! Yay, you came!

Remial- Hey Chosen... I mean, hello my lovely daughter Candy.

Colette- It's good to see you too Father, and it's Colette.

Remial- That's what I said, Chalklette.

Colette- ...Co-Let-te!

Remial- ...I like Chalklette better... I mean, I wanted to call you Chalklette, but your Mother wouldn't let me.

Colette- Wow, a story about you and mom. Yay! Sit down.

Remial- Ok... Uhh, one second... It's hard to... ARE ANY OF THESE CHAIRS ANGEL ACCESSIBLE!

Colette- Can't you just put them away, like me?

Remial- Nope, these wings are permanate. They Show The Faith And Follies That Which An Angel Of Cruxis Must Take, it's kind of a pain in the ass though.

Colette- Oh, well... just move the wings a little. Sigh

Remial- What's wrong, daughter?

Colette- Well, it's just that... everybodie's satring at us.

Remial- Oh, no problem. One second:

Everyone looks away when Remial gives them the glare of his Holy Eyes

Colette- Thanks Daddy... but, won't they just look back again?

Remial- Nope, you see, we angels have eyes that are very powerful. Our Sight Is Highly Developed Of That Of The Goddess And The Holy Spirits, in short, if they look again upon me, they'll all turn blind! Ha ha ha ha ha ha.

Colette-

Remial- Ha ha ha ha ha... So, what's new? Were your friends ok with you coming to see me by your self?

Colette- Not really, so I just left.

Remial- Colette! That's not nice.

Colette- Oh, they'll be fine.

Remial- Well... I guess.

Colette- Yup... Eats ice cream

Remial- How's school?

Colette- Ok, last year, I got all As, and a C.

Remial- Gasp A C, in what?

Colette- ... Math.

Remial- Oh Colette, how shameful.

Colette- I'm sorry.

Remial- Sorry's aren't gonna boost those grades up! It's those boys you've been seeing, isn't it!

Colette- ...Lloyd and Genis?

Remial- Yup. they're Bad Influences on you!

Colette- Hee hee hee, oh father. You're trying to be all 'Fatherly', it's cute.

Remial- I'm... I'm trying!

Colette- Heh, tell me, tell me about mom.

Remial- Who, my mom? My mom drank alot. I ate everything my mom ate, and my mom ate hay and chocolate and chocolax and-

Colette- No no no... and eww. I mean My Mom, your wife.

Remial- Oh hunny, I'm a virgin threw and... I MEAN-

Colette- What's a virgin?

Remial- ...It's an non alcoholic beverage which tastes an aweful lot like an alcoholic beverage. But I meant to say something else, about your mother.

Colette- Oh, ok go on-

Ice Cream Nerd- Can I Take Your Order Mister?

Remial- Uh, ok...hmmm... interseting flavors... It'll take a while to read this menu and find the perfect flavor.

Ice Cream Nerd- Would you like a free sample or two?

Remial- Ok, Give Me A Sample Of Each Flavor, fifteen times, in a big cup.

Ice Cream Nerd- OK!

Brings a giant cup of ice cream, Remial looks happy and dives his face into the cup, slobering the ice cream away.

Colette- ...Good?

Remial- Ohhhhh, Heavenly! Especialy the 'Strawberry Cheesecake' Ice cream.

Colette- Hey, father... ever since I went threw the Fire Seal... I hav'nt been tasting anything... is this normal.

Remial- Umm... yes.

Colette- Oh... then how come you can taste the ice cream.

Remial- You see, after you finished all the seals, your human senses will bw replaced with Super Angel Senses. This ice cream, will taste Extrodinary!

Colette- How is it possible to get rid of senses, and replace them?

Remial- ... Magic and Science.

Colette- Oh... ok. Now, about Mother?

Remial- Ah yes, Your mother. It all began, in the 60s! Or was it the 70s... No, late 60s. We were both in the same Drama class. She didn't notice me much, I kept getting signals that she digged me. So, one day, in class, I was dared to ask her out by my nerdy friend who plays WarCraft, and I asked her. She said, 'Who are you?' I responded, 'I sit right next to you in Drama class.' And she said, 'Oh, what's your name?' and after 5 hours of explaining my life story, she finally went out with me to the Football Fan Hawkins Formal Prom Morp Dance. And there, near the trash cans, we made love, and it was good.

Colette- ...

Remial- ... Eats ice cream

Colette- ...And?

Remial- Huh?

Colette- So, what happens after that!

Remial- Oh, fifteen monthes later, she was pregnant with you. After you were born, she took care of you for a bit, then you were taken away to become the Chosen.

Colette- Really? What happened to Mom?

Remial- Oh, I dunno, we didn't actually get married so, we just wen't our separate ways... I think she went crazy... or, I think she now works at a Burger King near Katz Island. I never saw her again, thank god, she was all bichy after you came out. Eats ice cream

Colette- ... That's not very romantic!

Remial- Yeah, I know... I'm so ashamed.

Colette- Well... that's ok, at least I got to see you.

Remial- Yup... MORE ICE CREAM!

1 hour, and 15000 Ice cream cones later

Colette- Well, see ya at the next Seal.

Remial- Good bye my daughter.

Colette pulls out her wings and flies away, Remial walks away. He throws away his ice cream cup at the trash can near the alley way in near the Ice Cream Shop. Then, he sees Kratos leaning against the wall, he surprises him.

Kratos- Boo!

Remial- Ahh! Oh, Lord Kratos, you gave me the heeby geebies!

Kratos- Heh heh heh, silly Remial. What the Hell was that about?

Remial- What?

Kratos- 'I knocked up some chick and never saw her again'!

Remial- What, no good?

Kratos- It's bad enough you told her you were her father, but now you gave her this info !

Remial- Me and the angels had fifteen other ideas to tell her, and that one seemed to be the best.

Kratos- ...ReallY?

Remial- Really.

Kratos- Wow, I'm gonna have to have a talk with Yggdrassil about educating the angels some more.

Remial- What?

Kratos- Nevermind. Just Make Sure You're There When We Reach The Next Seal!

Remial- Ok.

Kratos- Ok... it'll be a while, I have to 'pretend' I don't know where they are or how many there are. Sigh This gets more boring each Chosen. Bye.

Kratos pulls out his angel wings and flies away

Remial -Sigh ...Man, this is sad... so sad.

Ice Cream Nerd- Wow, you're a jackass!

Remial- Yes I kno... Ahh, Assassin!

Casts Judgment on Nerd, Nerd dies

Remial- ... Stupid Baskin Robbin Assassins! This planet isn't safe! I better take all the ice cream I can grab, and run.


	5. Funny Alternate Lord Remial Parody 3

**Judgment Day or Something of That Sort!**

_The Epic Conclusion to the funny Remial Parodies. To all you Remial Fans out there, No Mercy! __A little longer than usual, but funny. I THINK IT'S FUNNY, and whatever Chosen Zelos writes, Chosen Zelos likes. __  
__Enjoy, Spoilers, MAJOR SPOILERS, Blah blah, something, I realize only the children are our REAL delights, and future, blah blah, I luv making fun of stuff and looking like an idiot, which I'm doing right now. YAY. __  
__Enjoy:_

(Lloyd, Sheena, Raine, and Genis run through the Tower of Salvation. Lloyd see's Colette with her angel wings and stops running.)

Lloyd: Hu-Wha?

(While Colette prays, the angel Remial appears before her in a gleaming light. He then speaks, with an more Eerie voice than before.) 

Remial: Now Candy, realease the Final Seal.

Colette: ...

Remial: Yes my daughter?

Colette: ...

Remial: ... What?

Colette: ...!

Remial: I cannot understand you, probably because you have no voice Colette... COLETTE! That's your name! Wheew, I'm glad I figured that out now, before I acted like a jackass infront of your friends... Cough Release the Seal, and become a true angel like me.

Colette: ...

Remial: Once you release this Seal, you'll be rid of the final coponents of your old life: your haert and soul!

Lloyd: What?

Remial: Ahhhhhh! Don't scare me like that!

Lloyd: What did you just say?

Remial: ...Nothing. Now, shoo shoo.

Lloyd: No, I wanna watch this- I mean, stop this!

Remial: Why? Are you stupid? The world will be saved, once Colette gives her soul and heart up.

Lloyd: But, won't that-

Raine: Yes, Colette will end her human life here, and become an angel. 

Lloyd: Professor! What the Hell is he talking about?

Raine: Lloyd, I'm sorry, I should've told you sooner... but, it should've been pretty obvious in the first place. I mean... all those signals me and Colette have been sending you.

Lloyd: ...What signals?

Raine: ...Oh come on! We kept talking all sad, when you talked about it, we got sad, when Colette said 'And finally...' all those things you don't truelly realize until now... Unless you're a complete retard! 

Lloyd: ...Prefessor, I don't know if you realize this, but you said a lot of big words just now, could you lower it for me.

Raine: ... Colette's gonna die.

Lloyd: Gasp Really.

Remial: Not quite like that: Colette will surrender her body up so the Goddess Martel can use it as her vessel. This Is The True Meaning of the Regeneration of the World! The Revival of Martel is the Revival of the World!

Lloyd: What?

Remial: Huah ha ha... hmm, maybe I should not've said that so soon... but, what the Hell.

Raine: Hey, Lord Remial. I-

Remial: Sorry ladie, I'm gay.

Raine: ... That's not what I was going to ask.

Remial: Oh... yes, of course... I was joking. Huah ha ha.

All: ...

Remial: Oh come on. I bagged more chicks in one eternity than you all you put together! Why I-

Raine: I WAS GOING TO ASK, about the world Tethe'alla. Is there one? 

Remial: Nope.

Sheena: There is too!

Remial: Nope, it's all part of your imagination. Oooooooo Eeeooooo! This is all an Illusion!

Genis: Shaddup! Will Tethe'alla be saved?

Remial: If Colette wants it to be, then... sure, why not.

Sheena: Are you patronizing us?

Remial: Yes, without a care in the world. Now Colette, come to your father. 

Lloyd: Wait, Colette don't! You shouldn't have to do this.

Remial: Yeah, she shouldn't... but, I have no argument saying she can't. 

Lloyd: Shaddup!

Remial: Are you willing to give up the wolrd for this bland? Dang, you're an idiot. Let's go, Colette.

Lloyd: Wait! Colette's you daughter, surely you don't want her to die as well.

Remial: My daughter? I have a daughter? That's awesome!

Lloyd: ... Colette. She's your daughter.

Remial: Oh, yeah, I lied.

Sheena: You lied?

Remial: Yup. You humans assumed I was her father, so I went along with it. It was funny. And fun, we went to Baskin Robbins. Then we went to a sushi restaurant, I had chicken terriyaki, she had California rolls, she couldn't taste the rolls, so I Ate Them! And they were, HEAVENLY. Huah ha ha ha ha ha ha ha!

Genis: ...That's just evil!

Lloyd: Colette!

Colette: _Lloyd, it's ok. I knew he wasn't my real father. I bought the food and those expensive books for a fraud. But it's ok. Because I was happy._  
Lloyd: If you knew, then why didn't you-

Colette: _You could here me?_

Lloyd: ...Yes, I think you did the whole 'Speaking with your mind thing' purposely! Because you're using complete sentences and you expect me to listen!

Colette: _I'm so happy. I can say good-bye! Yay! I cut myself so I can be happy!_

Lloyd: ...Colette, you are very weird. But I still love you and don't want you to kill yourself!

Colette: _It's ok, because I'm happy, and I'm sorry, yet I'm happy, and I'm sorry, but I'm happ-_

Lloyd: ... Just go Already! I stopped missing you an hour before you started talking!

Colette: _Good bye._

(Colette's wings sprout out again, her eys turn red and cool, somehow...she learned judgment, giving you the hint that she's not going anywhere. 

Remial: Huah hah ah hahahah hahahahhahahha hahahh ha hhhah ahah hahah ahah hahhh hah hahah hahh ahahah hahah ahahh ahahahhaha hah hahah ha huh ha... hah haha hahahh hahahahahha hah ah ha YES, I WIN! I did it! Martel's vessel is now complete! With this, I shall become one of the 4 Seraphim!

Sheena: Wait! What are you gonna do with Colette?

Raine: He's gonna take his to Heaven.

Remial: Not.

Lloyd: You Bastard! You'll pay for this... it's all just a lie isn't it: Cruxis, the Angels, the Goddess Martel, the difference between reall butter and 'I can't believe it's not butter!' Let Colette go now!

Remial: Never, this is Martel's new body... ? OH NO YOU DIDN'T! I Have no use for you humans, be gone!

Lloyd: Make me!

Remial: Oh, I will!

Lloyd: What's stopping you?

Remial: Nothing at all!

Lloyd: I'm right here!

Remial: ...I'm gonna kick your ass you know!

Lloyd: I'm still here. All in one piece, show me your Angel powers! 

Remial: ... Maybe I don't wanna!

Lloyd: Cough speak Queer!

Remial: Oh, that's it, Judgment!

A thousand beams of light came out of nowhere and hit Lloyd.

Remial: Anyone else!

Lloyd: Auggg, ow... hey... they didn't hurt at all!

Remial: What?

Lloyd: It kind of tickled.

Remial: ...Damn... I'm A Lover Not A Fighter!

Sheena: Get him!

The four beat him up and throw him to the ground. Lord Remial lays in a pool of blood, and a wedgie.

Remial: Impossible... how could I... the ultimate being... loose to a human. 

All: Because you fight like a woman.

Genis: Even I could beat you up.

Remial: Ugg... with my last breath, I blame everybody but me! Uggg.

Lloyd: Colette! Come down! He's dead, you'll be fine.

Colette: ...

Lloyd: Colette, are you... really gone. Are you gonna end up like this dead blond.

Kratos: Your waisting your time, Colette no longer can hear you words. 

Genis: Kratos!

Kratos: Hmm, my clock says we're waisting the reader's time so here: I'm an angel, I betrayed you, I'm one of the Four Seraphim, I'm Lloyd's- scratch that, and I can kick all your ass's in the blink of an eye. 

Remial: Ugg, Lord Kratos!

Sheena: ... Why Won't You Die!

Remial :Help me! Please, lend me your aid!

Kratos: Why. I don't like you. You said humans were dumb and suffer from Retard Cancer. I'm a human you insensitive jackass.

Remial: Damn the Irony! Uggg.

Kratos: Heh, there can be only one pretty, badass, angel in this game!

(He reveals his angel wings)

Remial: Wait... this sucks! I die! No fair! No fair! No fair! No fair! No fair!

(Kratos Demon blast's him away with Judgment)

Kratos: I was just joking and was gonna give you a gel or two, but now you pushed my buttons!

Lloyd: So... you Are on our side!

Kratos: ...No, I'm just a jerk. Let's fight.

Lloyd: We just beat Remial, we don't have the energy to fight you or anyone for that matter.

Kratos: That's the point, that way, you think I'm really strong. Now lets fight!

Lloyd: Ok, ready, set... Run!

The four take Colette and run the opposite direction.

Kratos: ...Damn! This is exactly what happend with the Last Chosen... but this time I have a plan!

(Pushes a button, a gate appears where they were gonna escape. Kraots goes and beats them up and sticks his tounge out at them. Kratos dosn't finish Lloyd off. Then another light appears, and a angel appears. Much like an adult Colette... but this one is a dude.)

?- I guess not even you could stand up to such an opponent.

Kratos: Lord Yggdrassil.

Sheena: Another angel?

Lloyd: ...Colette?

Yggdrassil: NO, I'm Lord Yggdrassil! Head of Cruxis and Desians! Bum bum bum, surprise surprise.

(Yggdrassil beats them all up two, without even trying, just for fun!) 

Yggdrassil: Now die!... Hu ah?

(Men came outta no where, grab the fallen group members and took them through a vortex and dissappeared.)

Yggdrassil: Damn, Renegades. Still, it matters not, Kratos! Let us leave! 

Kratos: Hmm, saved by Renegades... don't die Lloyd:

Yggdrassil: Oh I almost forgot, grab the remaining parts of Remial... I'm hungry. 

Kratos: Yes Master. Soup or Casserole?

Yggdrassil: We had Casserole last week! Just blend him with some ketchup and we'll have Meatloaf!

Kratos: Gulp Ketchup... Tomatoes...

Yggdrassil: You're fine eating an angel, but you still won't eat tomatoes. 

Kratos: Nope.

Yggdrassil: Oh fine, Soup it is.

Kratos: Ok, Remial Bisk. Yummy!


	6. Funny Abyssion and Nebilim Parody

**Search For The Devil's Arms**

_I'm bored, I wrote another funny thingy. Its probably not that funny, EXTREMELY WEIRD, so here: __  
_  
In this one, the main characters are Abyssion and the spirit of Nebilim constantly near Abyssion on his search for the Devils Arm.   
Abyssion's search for the Devil's Arms, takes him to places he doesn't wish to be. The Dark Lord Nebilim calls upon him to go where no man should go...

ABYSSION- Ok, I didn't find anything but this key, and it points me... HERE? Oh no, not here, anywhere but here!

NEBILIM- You Must... Go In... To Revive and Receive my Power!

ABYSSION- No Ultimate Power is worth going into the very bowels of Hell! Not even you, the Ultimate Darkness, was able to withstand its evil aura. 

NEBILIM- Go In! I Sense one of the Devils Arms... I know of this Place's Horrors... But My Power Must... Be Received. Now GO!

ABYSSION- Alright... (Walks into the Wal-Mart, looks around for hours.) This is gonna take forever!... THERE'S ONE!  
(He see's Disaster, the Devils Arm Kendama, reaches for it, then someone else grabs it) Hey, what the Hell!

GUY- What?

ABYSSION- I was going to get that!

GUY- Well, ya snooze, ya looze!

ABYSSION- But you don't even know what it is!

GUY- Yeah I do, it's a Kendama. I'm gonna buy it at this low price, and then sell it for a higher price!

ABYSSION- Hmm, that's very evil... I like i... Wait a minute; you think it's a normal kendama! You have no idea what powers you are messing with! 

GUY- It's not like you can use it... unless you're a HALF ELF! 

(Nebilim controls Abyssion for the moment)

ABYSSION/NEBILIM- How Dare You... Call Me By That Race... We Are The Most Powerful... 

(Wal-Mart security grabs him, Abyssion's in control now)

ABYSSION- What the Hell!

GUY- You Are A Half Elf! What human can change his voice so eerie, and change his hair from dark to red?

ABYSSION- ...I'm a magician?

WM COP- Sorry! But did you read the sign out front! No shirt, no shoes, No Half Elfs!

ABYSSION- But I'm not a Half Elf, I'm just better than all of you... 

ABYSSION/NEBILIM- In Fact... I Am of a power Far Superior to that of your Mighty Elfs, Gods and Angels. Now, Hand me the Disaster, or suffer the fate that is...

(Guard throws him out into the streets)

NEBILIM- ...Those guys are asses!

ABYSSION- Dammit, how many times have I told you not to do that!

NEBILIM- You, command me! No one shall...

ABYSSION- Well it doesn't matter, that Devils Arm is out of our reach. 

NEBILIM- What are you talking about! If he is a follower, He Will Give it to You!

ABYSSION- How many times do I have to tell you that? You can't control people by them touching it alone, they have to be... I dunno, special. But, this won't be the last we see of the Disaster, I'll tell you that! 

NEBILIM- Why don't you just beat him up and steal it! You have no pride! 

ABYSSION- Shush, the key is pointing to a new Devils Arm... and you won't like where it points to next.

(Abyssion goes to the nearby Circuit City and buys a 'Computer', they go back to whereever they live in Flanoir and go onto the internet.) 

NEBILIM- What is this Device! It is of a Higher Power than me!

ABYSSION- Of course not my master, but apparently this device is the portal to the 'Internet'. The Master of vital information. See, like this:

(They see a dancing banana you see on a video singing IT'S PEANUT BUTTER JELLY TIME!)

NEBILIM- That Banana... Defies ME, No one shall...

ABYSSION- Ok, lets see now. I'll type in Devils Arm... nothing yet... How about... Diablos...nope...Nebilim... WAIT, someone is auctioning it!

NEBILIM- Buy that weapon, we'll be one step closer to my Revival! 

ABYSSION-... I keep on betting gald, but someone keeps betting more! 

NEBILIM-... ARrrrrrrrrrrrrrhhhhggggg!

(Enters computer, comes out of another one, controls the person biding) 

Someone/NEBILIM- Fool, do not think you are worthy enough to receive my powerful weapons! I've chosen my vessel! You are as useless as you are ugly! God you are ugly!

(Smashes head into screen, Nebilim returned to Abyssion)

ABYSSION- Excellent, I won the Nebilim!

NEBILIM- Ah, my finest of weapons. Now, onto the next...

ABYSSION- This is becoming a inconvenience. Damn... If it took this long to get one, by the way it'll take two weeks for it to be delivered, imagine how long it'll take for the rest. Especially for those in the horrid land of Sylvarent!

NEBILIM- Don't worry, you have all of your life span to look. Then you'll die, than I'll move on to the next possible vessel. Huah ah ha. 

ABYSSION-... What?

NEBILIM- What?

ABYSSION- What did you say...

NEBILIM- I didn't say anything.

ABYSSION- Yes you

NEBILIM- NO I DIDN'T!

ABYSSION- Whatever.

One week later

ABYSSION- About damn time it came to me, woops, slippery ice.

(Slips and falls, then out of no where, Lloyd and the others come to him) 

LLOYD- Are you ok.

ABYSSION- Augghhh, yes... Is that the Evil Eye?

(Looks, and grins.)


	7. Funny Alternate Night at Altessa's 1

**Dinner Theatre**

_A little short, but it'll pay off in part two. __  
__MAJOR SPOILERS, you know what I'm talking about. Kratos is Lloyd's Daddy, Mithos was Lord Yggy the whole time, Yuan is evil, Everyone dies... you know. __  
__SO... enjoy, SPOILERS DAMMIT:_

In Altessa's hobbit hole, Lloyd and the others came to Altessa so he can fix up Colette and prevent her from dying... again. Lloyd and the others wait outside the bedroom.

Lloyd- YAWN. Man, this is taking an awfully long time... I mean, it only took us a couple of hours to find those requirments in the first place.

Sheena- ... Lloyd, it took 5 days.

Lloyd- Really? Hmm, time really flies when your bored.

Regal- Aren't you worried about Colette?

Lloyd- Yes, very.

Zelos- Ah, don't worry too much now. Just relax, Altessa will take care of everything.

Lloyd- What if... Colette dies, then I'll never get over it!

Zelos- Don't worry about it, Just Take A Bite Of This Apple! Huah ha ha ha ha ha ha.

Lloyd- ... Please stop doing that.

Zelos- Oky Dokey.

Altessa and Raine walk in

Raine- Well, we're done.

Altessa- Colette will be fine.

Lloyd- Whew, that's good.

Zelos- Yup... Yup, all is good, very nice. Heh heh heh, NOW TAKE A BITE OF THIS APPLE!

Zelos lodges the apple in Lloyds mouth, Lloyd swallows it with one big gulp and coughs

Lloyd- Ugg, what's with you!

Zelos- What? You're my bud. I worry about cha. You and Genis seem so uptight lately.

Mithos- Yes, what's wrong Genis?

Genis- Oh, Mithos... it's nothing, nothing as' AREYOUYGGDRASSIL!' 

Mithos- What?

Genis- I didn't... nothing.

Mithos- ...

Lloyd- YAWN, now I'm sleepy.

Regal- You only had one apple.

Presea- Yes... very odd of you.

Lloyd- YAWN. I know, what kinda apple was it Zelos? Heh, you didn't drug it or anything right?

Zelos- eh, Wha! Eee, uu, WHO TOLD YOU... Oh, you're joking... heh heh heh. 

Lloyd- ...Seriously.

Zelos- No, of course not. Do I look like the kind to drug my friends. 

Sheena- Heh, yes.

Zelos- Oh come on Sheena! That was a month ago!

Sheena- THE FACT IS YOU DRUGGED MY MARTI-

Altessa- COULD YOU BE ANY LOUDER! 

Raine- I CAN!

Altessa- ... Great, now I'm death.

Genis- Are you ok?

Altessa- I'm just saying, what with Colette sleeping and all...

Lloyd- I don't follow?

Altessa- I'm telling you to shut up.

Lloyd- Ah, gotcha.

Presea- What now?

Lloyd- YAWN! Well, I'm not too tired. So lets celebrate Colette's recovery. 

Zelos- YAY.

Tabatha brings out food and punch. Everyone eats and talks. Zelos tries to slip a roofy into Sheena's drink. Sheena summons Celcius and freeze's Zelos, then summons Efreet to burn him, just for fun. Presea and Raine talk, as the same with Regal and Lloyd. Genis and Mithos are together, Genis acts really uncomfortable.

Mithos- Genis? Are you ok?

Genis- I'm sorry, it's just that, after all we've been through, 'ARE YOUYGGDRASSIL!'

Mithos- ... Is that english?

Genis- What?

Mithos- You keep saying stuff I can't understand.

Genis- Oh... yeah, it's a disease I have. It jsut makes me say stuff that make no sense, y'know, 'AREYOUYGGDRASSIL?'

Mithos- I'm sorry, I didn't know.

Genis- That's ok, 'KENNEDYASSASSINATION'. Damn, there it goes again. Heh heh heh, 'PEPSIBLUE'.

Mithos- ... Do, do youi want some cookies?

Genis- Yes I do, 'IMSECRETLYINLOVEWITHYOUEVENTHOUGHIKNOWIWILLEVENTUALLYHAVETOKILLYOUYOUBASTARD!' 

Mithos- ... Chocolate chip, or peanut butter?

Genis- PEANUTBUTTER, 'I know who you are'.

Mithos- Who?

Genis- Oh , I did it bacwards... I mean, I know you're... my friend.

Mithos- ... Peanut Butter it is. 'DAMNNOWIHAVETOKILLYOU.'

Genis- What?

Mithos- Wow, I guess it's contagious. Heh heh heh, 'YOUSUCKBALLSYOUBASTARDHALFELFKID.'

Genis- ... What's tha Lloyd? I'm coming.

Genis runs to Lloyd and Regal, Lloyd keeps falling asleep.

Regal -You shouldn't go to bed after eating.

Lloyd- Yah, I know, but I'm gonna do it anyway. Good night.

Zelos- 'Night bud. Hee hee hee.

Lloyd- Stop Doin That!

Zelos- No, go to bed now.

Lloyd- Oh well, goodnight Zelos. Goodnight Sheena. Goodnight Regal and Presea. Goodnight Genis and Mithoa who's obviously hiding something we don't notice at the moment. Goodnight Professor and Altessa. Goodnight Lamp, I mean Tabatha.

Tabatha- GOOD NIGHT.

Hours later, as Lloyd sleeps... he awakens, parallysed.

Lloyd- Ugg... My arms, I can't move! ... Well, I know what I;m NOT doing tonight.

Lloyd awkens to see Yuan above him with a ball of lightning in his hand. 

Lloyd- ...Yu...Yuan?

Yuan- Hello.

Lloyd- Wow, the girls in my dreams don't accidently turn into you until I'm done with them.

Yuan- ...Nice.

Lloyd- What are you doing here?

Yuan- Do you want to meet your father?

Lloyd- ...What!

Yuan- Your father, do you want to meet him, he's here.

Lloyd- Oh God... my father isn't... you, is it?

Yuan- GOD NO! Just go outside you idiot!

Yuan vanishes, Lloyd gets outta bed, goes outside. He sees Kratos surrounded by Renegade members. Yuan is behind the men. As Lloyd comes out, a group of Renegades hold their swords up.

Lloyd- What the fudge? Renegades and the Anti-Devils are enemies... so why- 

Yuan- Shaddup a your face.

Lloys- Where's my Dad? If you hurt him, I'll... I'll... do, really bad things... to you, which will hurt... PERIOD!

Yuan- Oh, look at me, I'm shaking in my cape. Besides, don't embarass yourself infront of your daddy... Whose right here.

Lloyd- ...Where?

Yuan- RIGHT HERE!

Lloyd- Is he, one of the Renegades?

Yuan- No.

Lloyd- Is he you?

Yuan- I said No!

Lloyd- ...Genis-

Yuan- IT'S KRATOS! GODDAM, IT'S KRATOS, KRATOS, KRATOS, KRATOS! 

Lloyd- ... no way!

Yuan- Way.

Kratos- Sigh 

Lloyd- ... Ah, .

_TO BE CONTINUED_


	8. Funny Alternate Night at Altessa's 2

**After Midnight**

_PART TWO: ENJOY: SPOILERS: I GOT THE TITLE FROM A SONG:_

Lloyd: No... It can't be true!

Kratos: ... Sigh It's true Lloyd.

Lloyd: NO, IT CAN'T BE TRUE!

Yuan: ... No, it really is true.

Lloyd: NO, IT CAN't BE! Kratos must be confusing me with some other kid. 

Kratos: I think I would remember my own son!

Lloyd: ... Are you sure... it was my mom who was your wife.

Kratos: I think I would remember who I had sex with!

Lloyd: ...Eww.

Yuan: ENOUGH! Kratos, open the seal, otherwise, Lloyd will die right here and-

Lloyd: And what? You can't defeat me, your goons can't defeat me, this is pointless.

Yuan: SHADDUP! I'm Talking, no talking until the adults are done talking!

Lloyd: Humph, meanie.

Kratos: ... Lloyds gotta point, you're pretty ing weak. Even I caould kick your ass.

Yuan: ... Dick.

Kratos: Ass.

Yuan: Jerk!

Kratos!

Yuan: Blonde!

Kratos: GASP Take that back!

Yuan: ... This is going no where, I'm jsut gonna hurt your son now!  
Yuan shoots a thunderball at Lloyd, Lloyd dodges, tries to attack Yuan, then Yuan dodges it. Yuan launches another thunderball, Kratos defends Lloyd from attack and falls down.

Lloyd: Kratos?

Kratos: Are you ok... good... I'm gonna take a nap now. Falls

Lloyd: ... Ah ... ah ... AAAAAHHHHHHHHHHHHHH AHHHHHHHHHH AHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHH AHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHH AHHHHHHHHHHHH AHHH AHHHHHHH AHHHHHH AHHHHHHHHHHHH... AHHHHHHHHHH!

Colette: Lloyd!"? What the Hell is going on out here? 

Lloyd: Kratos is my dad, Yuan's nuts, I'm loud and obnoxious, same old same old.

Colette: Are you ok?

Lloyd: Do I look ok? He's my Dad? He can't be, he just can't be. He's a traitor, a meanie angel with doo doo in his heart!

Colette: Lloyd, remember what you told me. I'm still me, that applies to you too.

Lloyd: Oh Colette, that was just something I said to quit you . 

Colette: Heh heh, I'm sorry.

Lloyd: FOR WHA- Nevermind. You're right.

Colette: Don't forget, Kratos saved you.

Lloyd: Right... Hey Kratos, are you ok?

Kratos: ...

Lloyd: Kratos? KRATOS? KRATOS? KRATOS!

Kratos: Uhhh, what?

Lloyd: Thanks.

Kratos: Ehh.

Lloyd: I still can't call you dad. I hate what you, Cruxis and Yggy are doing. It's just plain mean, it hurts people, and according to a recent poll, hurt is bad. I don't like bad stuff, because it's not good. That's why it's called bad and not good. You aren't neccassarily bad, Yggdrassil is bad, Yuan is not good or bad, he's just a dick. Dicks are sometimes bad but-

Mithos: God Shut Up!

Lloyd: Mithos?

Mithos blasts away the Renegade men and blasts Yuan, Yuan falls faceflat. 

Mithos: How stupid did you think I was Yuan? I had Pronyma keep a close eye on Kratos, and when we went to the Renegade base and I heard about you, I put two and two together. Which explains all those Explanation points(!) you don't notice when I notice something.

Yuan: Auggg, Mithos... how did you find out?

Mithos: Call Me Yggdrassil, it adds more suspense.

Yuan: Augg, Yggdrassil, how did you find out!

Lloyd: ...Weak!

Mithos: It shouldn't be that hard to find out you stupid pretty boy!  
Kicks Yuan, after five hours of kicking, Lloyd stops him.

Lloyd: ... Wait, you're Yggdrassil! No way!

Mithos: You brought that back up, you didn't even try and stop me from kicking Yuan?

Lloyd: Am I complaining about you kicking Yuan!

Raine, Genis, Tabatha, Presea, Altessa step out.

Genis: Mithos... so, it's true... even though it was obvious.

Mithos: What's obvious? That you shouldn't trust someone this hot? Good guess Genis, becauseI didn't trust you either... I'm bored, I'm gonna blast random people!  
Tries to blast Presea, Altessa guards her.

Altessa: Ahhhhhhh... that hurt... ahhhhhhh!

Tabatha: MITHOS SAVED ME.

Mithos: Shaddup!  
Blasts Tabatha

Tabatha: MITHOS SAVED ME... MITHOS... AND THE ANGELS TAKE THE FIELD... AND NOW, THE WHO'S NUMBER ONE HIT... WE ARE PREARED TO BOMB THIS AREA IN...

Raine: What the Hell?

Genis: Mithos! Why are you being such a prick?

Mithos: Humph, because I can.

Lloyd: You little bastard, how dare you hurt my best friend!  
Demon Fangs Mithos, Mithos falls. Genis steps in.

Genis: Stop... so he killed Tabatha and Altessa, it's not that bad really.   
Prontma appears

Pronyma: Lord Yggy, you're not yet healed, let the angels kill them.  
Mithos turns into Yggy.

Mithos Yggdrassil: Alrighty then, go my geeks. KILL THEM ALL!  
Mithos, Pronyma and Kratos dissappear, and 3 angels appear.

Lloyd: Go Away!  
Zelos, Sheena, and Regal appear and help Lloyd fight the angels, they win 1.7 seconds later.

Zelos: Man, I rule, I'm sooooo Cool!

Lloyd: ... This sin't the time.

Mithos Yggy's Voice: Bad is bad and good isn't bad? What the Hell does that mean?

Lloyd: Mithos! Get your ass back down here and fight me! Stop being just a voice!

Mithos Yggy's Voice: ... Make me! Buh bye and have a pleasent tomorrow. Muah ha ha ha ha ha ha ha hah ah hah ahahahahaha ha hahaha ahahahaha! 

Sheena: Oy.

Regal: ...He has a very interesting Evil Laugh.

Zelos: Much more evil than mine.

Colette: Or mine. Hee hee hee.

Lloyd: ...Sure Colette, sure.


	9. Funny Breakfast Fiasco

**Breakfast is for Fat People and Lesbians**

_Is Kratos Lloyd's Daddy? Is Yuan Trustworthy? Is Yggy a Pimp? Can Zelos be trusted despite his outstanding beauty? What color am I thinking of right now? And What will become of Altessa? ALL OF THESE ANSWERS … Won't be answered yet so I can show you this random funny event of the tales characters enjoying Breakfast. PWN. Enjoy. Very lil spoilers._

It is early morning, Lloyd, Genis, Colette, Raine and Kratos are all together at the time. They're staying at an inn in Palmacosta. Raine made breakfast at the nearby kitchen in the inn.

Raine: Hey idiots, breakfast!

Colette, Genis and Lloyd walk down stairs, tired.

Lloyd: YAWN! Morning Professor … Sniff Sniff … What's cookin?

Raine: You know, it was the damnest thing. Here I was at 6 o clock in the morning, slaving over a hot stove making eggs and sausage. And SOMEONE took it all. So, 5 minutes earlier before you woke up, I made this crap.

Colette: … Smells interesting.

Genis: Colette, a bucket of elephant crap isn't interesting.

Raine smacks the living BeJesus out of him.

Genis: You know what, ONE OF THESE DAYS, I'm calling social services and they'll arrest you and make you pay! Then I'll go to a nice family … with puppies and a mom … and a hot girl who by law is my sister but in the eyes of passion would be just ano-

All: Oo wtf?

Genis: …What? I could get a girl?

Lloyd: So far all you've gotten was a girl's voice.

Lloyd eats the questionable meal, and instantly vomits.

Lloyd: EWWWWWWW! Yucky Poopoo Crap Yuck!

Colette: Lloyd!

Raine: There's nothing wrong with it! It has beets, green peppers, red peppers, black peppers, purple peppers, salt, and a strip of bacon in it … somewhere.

Genis: …Sis … I've never seen PURPLE peppers … where'd you get it?

Raine: I don't remember, I was pretty hung over at the time.

Lloyd: I'm gonna die … aren't I?

Raine: No!

Genis: No!

Colette: I dunno.

Lloyd: Oh god …

For no reason, he eats what he just threw up. … then smiles, and eats it again.

Genis: Lloyd! What the Fruitcake are you doing?

Lloyd: At first it tastes like vomit, so I vomited it. Then, after tasting my vomit, it tastes Great!

Genis: … It tastes better as discarded partially liquefied remnants?

Lloyd: … Big words.

Genis: It tastes better as vomit?

Lloyd: OH, yes.

Raine: …Yes …. THAT'S what I was planning all along! Hurray for me. I'm a Genius! Love me.

Kratos walks in.

Kratos: Can you be any MORE full of yourself?

Raine: Yes.

Colette: Where were you Mr. Kratos.

Kratos: Went outside to walk off that huge breakfast I had an hour ago.

Genis: …What'd you have?

Kratos: Eggs, Suasage, and Wheat Berry Toast soaked in Ranch dressing.

Raine: Hey, I made that! (Except for the toast crap.) You ate my beautifully made breakfast!

Kratos: Woman, I've seen you cook. And there's no way in Hell you coulda ever cooked anything that good.

Lloyd: Munch munch munch He's got a point Professor, you suck when it comes to cooking. I remember that one time, when I spent the night at Genis's and your place, you tried to make me and Genis breakfast. And you're like "No." And we're like, "Yes." And you're like "ok". So you put a Toaster Strudle into the toaster, and … somehow soup poured out of the toaster and –

Kratos: Lloyd. Are you eating your own vomit?

Lloyd: …YES AND IT'S AWESOMUNDO!

Kratos: …stop it.

Lloyd: Make me!

Kratos: JUDGMENT!

BANG! Lloyd's FOOD was destroyed. Lloyd cried, Genis laughed.

Raine: Serves you right for dissing my cookin. And YOU, what made you think you could just EAT my food you brute!

Kratos: … I figured it was for me. .. You're a woman … and I figured you'd be all like "I can't eat it because I'll get fat, I'll give it to that sex muffin Kratos."

Raine: ...you really think THAT's how women talk, right?

Kratos: ...If I say yes you're gonna laugh, right?

Raine: When was the last time you had a date?

Kratos: Either ten to 500 years ago...

Raine: What?

Kratos: 13.

Genis: So … what are me and Colette gonna eat.

Colette: I'm not that hungry.

Genis: … You haven't eaten ever since we came back from the Fire Seal … we should take that pretty seriously.

Kratos …………. Um …… I wouldn't take it TOO seriously.

Genis: What?

Kratos: She's pretty, blonde and not eating. Seems NORMAL to me.

Lloyd: OH, BURN!

Raine: Shut your Head Hole Lloyd!

Lloyd: Meanie.

Raine: You think this has anything to do with the sea-

Kratos: PROBABLY NOT. I think we should go now.

Genis: But I'm hungry!

Raine: You'll be full of Ass Whoopings soon if you don't Shut Da Firetruck Up!

Lloyd: Here Genis, I found a box of Graham Crackers near a dumpster next door. Have some.

Genis: … I'll just wait till lunch.

Lloyd: Ok, let's go.

Kratos: Right, ANYTHING to avoid talking to you people.

Raine: Fine.

Colette: Let's Go!

They leave the Inn, it doesn't even occur to them to clean up the mess they made in the kitchen, No time.


	10. Funny Alternate Flanoir Doctor Search

**Finding The Doctor**

_I was bored, so here's another thingy, the Flanoir Dr. scene. Lloyd and his friends must find a dr. __  
__Watch out Baby! SPOILERZ:_

Raine sits by Altessa's side as he lays, parallyzed from Mithos's blast. Genis watches Raine's attempt to heal him, so does Zelos. Sheena and Presea stand by the knocked out Tabatha. Lloyd walks to Yuan, along with Regal and Colette

Lloyd: Are you ok?

Yuan: ... Ick. Yeah, kinda.

Colette: Do you need help getting up?

Yuan: No, I'm up.

Colette: I'm sorry.

Yuan: ... I'm outta here, buh bye.

Regal: Yuan! What do you plan to do now?

Yuan: I better evacuate the Renegade bases before Yggdrassil gets to them. After that, I dunno. I'll hide in a cave, or something.

Lloyd: Ok.

Colette: No, why don't you come with us?

Yuan: ... Hell No! You're all gonna die anyways, once Mithos gets his hands on you, Chosen one!

Lloyd: We won't let that happen!

Yuan: Yes you will, you're a weak pathetic human, and you can't win against an angel.

Lloyd: I beat you up, didn't I!

Yuan: Only because I wasn't trying very hard!

Regal: My ass.

Yuan: ... I better go.

Lloyd: Wait, whats with all that Kratos and Seal stuff?

Yuan: Sigh, Kratos's Origin's Seal, he dies, Origin comes out, Origin made the Eternal Sword, blah blah blah, you can't wield the Eternal Sword because you're a retarded human.

Lloyd: So only Half-Elves can use it?

Yuan: Pretty much, unless you summon Origin. Of course, you'll have to kill Kratos. Bye.

Colette: No! Please join our group, you're SO cool! You can help us!

Yuan: Sorry, but I'm an NPC, I can't join. Later.

Yuan leaves. Next Morning, Raine comes out of Altessa's place and tells the group of Altessa's condition, IN A VERY DRAMATIC WAY.

Raine: Altessa'a not looking good.

Genis:... That's it?

Regal: We should find a Dr.

Sheena: I know one Dr. in Flanoir, he's pretty goo-

Zelos: NO! I know a good Dr. back in a mystical village, he's great.

Sheena: ...What village?

Zelos: Heh, you'll know, once we get there, come on. Altessa's not doing so good.

Lloyd: ok, lets go. Lead the Way Zelos!

Zelos: Ok!

Zelos leads the group to Los Angeles: The Village of Highs and Lows. And they meet the Dr., in front of many people.

Dr. Phil: Hello, and Welcome to Oprah's Dr. Phil Show!

Audience claps

Presea: Who are these people?

Sheena: ...ZELOS!

Zelos: What, this guy is good!

Lloyd: If you say so, hey, Dr. Fred.

Dr. Phil: It's Phil!

Lloyd: Like I give a rat's ass, can you help us out, our friend Altessa is-

Dr. Phil: Fascinating, Lloyd, is it?

Lloyd: ...Yes?

Dr. Phil: Tell us about, your Relationship issues.

Lloyd: ... We need help with our fri-

Dr. Phil: Which of these girls are your girl friends?

Lloyd: … ….Well …. This is awkward.

All the girls look at Lloyd.

Lloyd: ... LOOK, MY FRIEND IS DYIN-

Dr. Phil: How are your issues with your father?

Lloyd: HE's DYING FROM AN... well, me and Dad do get into a couple of fights here or there. One time he hit me, and the other day, I realized my enemy is my real daddy and... STOP THAT!

Dr. Phil: I see you have a lot of friends here, are you and the one in pink Homosexuals?

Zelos: Ok, first off I'M NOT GAY. And second … If I were, I could get a much better guy than this lil farmboy retard.

Lloyd: …Hey!

Regal: Zelos, I think we got the wrong kind of Dr.

Zelos: ………. Probably ……Oh yeah, this guy is my Sex therapist! Doy!

Dr. Phil: You took those self-help sessions I talked about, right?

Zelos: Yes, and it did jack squat. This one still won't take her clothes off to me, and the others are ignor-

Sheena socker punches Zelos

Zelos: ... Ow. What I ever do to you?

Sheena: You were born!

Dr. Phil: I see an awfully large amount of stress within the prostitute here, how are YOU with your parents?

Sheena: Your southern accent is really pissing me off.

Presea: We're wasting our time here in Los Angeles, Altessa's dying.

Genis: Yah, let's get out of here.

Lloyd: Yah, buh bye Dr. Dork.

Dr. Phil: Buh by-

A Giant Oprah Dragon comes through the ceiling and attacks the audience

Oprah: PHILLIP! LEAVE, I WILL HELP THESE PEOPLE OF THEIR 'Stress'! NOW!

Dr. Phil: ABSOLUTELY OPRAH.

Phil runs, Lloyd and the other's attack the Oprah monster, they set into battle mode.

Zelos: Double Demon Fang!

Oprah: Chicken!

Chicken comes out of the dragon's armpits and attacks Zelos

Raine: I'll check it's strength,

Grabs Magic Lens

Raine: Huh, this monster has 100 Hp and 200 Tp.

Genis: So, you mean-

Raine: Yup, the dragon itself, is pure FAT.

Lloyd: Well, I'll take care of this... Risong Falcon!

Oprah: Falcon, Where! YUMY... AHHHHH!

Lloyd: Buh bye!

Oprah: This isn't over, I may be skinney now, but remember, MY CAMERA's ADD 5000 POUND! HUAH AHAHAHHAHAHAHHAHAH! PHILLIP, LET'S GO!

Dr. Phil: ABSOLUTELY OPRAH.

A Giant wagon comes and takes the two away.

Lloyd: That was too easy!

EXP EARNED: 1  
GALD EARNED: 5,000,000,000 Gald (Because Oprah's filthy rich)  
GRADE EARNED: 2  
Items Found:  
Chicken Bone (Weapon for Zelos)  
Slimfast (Recovers all hp and tp, but makes user REALLY REALLY OBESE and MEAN)  
Pizza Pie (Weapon for Colette)  
Receipt from Big and Tall (Weapon for Sheena)

Regal: ... Wow, that was pointless.

Colette: Yes, let's get the #$# outta here!

Lloyd: Colette!

Colette: Don't worry, it's bleeped out, like on Jerry Springer.

Zelos: Oh, can we go there next?

Presea: Can we PLEASE go and help Altessea?

Sheena: Let's go to Flanoir, NOW!

Lloyd: Yeah, let's go.

Colette: &#$ yeah!

They ride to Flanoir, Zelos dissappears, they walk to the Dr.'s

Colette: Where the $# is Zelos?

Lloyd: I dunno, I guess he's, oh. Hey Abbyssion!

Abbyssion: Yo Lloyd!

Lloyd: See ya next time we come here, you always in front of this house and all.

Abbyssion: Yup, come back when you have the Devil's Arms!

Lloyd: Yeah, I gotta remember to do that before the game's over.

Abbyssion: Bye!

Lloyd: Well, that was fun... Zelos!

Zelos: Mumble mumble mumble mumble mumble... mumble, mumble mumble... mumble?

Lloyd: Yo.

Zelos: AHHHHHHH... Lloyd, the Doc's in there, go ahead.

They walk in

Sheena: Hey Doc!

Doctor: Hey Sheena, your appointment isn't until next week.

Lloyd: What appointment?

Doctor: Ah-

Sheena: That's ok! No need to talk now, but our friend is hurt, could you help us.

Doctor: Hmm... ... ... ... ... ... ... ... ... ... ... ... ... You got money right?

Lloyd: Yes.

Doctor: Ok, I'll do it. Now, to pick people 'AT RANDOM' to come with me. You four will do. Buh bye.

The Dr. and Four 'Random' group members leave.

Lloyd: ... No one wants to be with me, aside from Colette. Sigh, I better go to bed and wait for people to bother me.

_To Be Continued..._


	11. Funny Alternate Night in Flanoir 1

**Colette: Blonde, Pretty, and Annoyingly Won't Stop Saying She's Sorry **

_I'll do the Flanoir scenes, each chapter with EACH character doin the thing where they talk to Lloyd and they MIGHT give him something... except they will ALL give him something, because FREE stuff is cool. So here, SPOILERZ, Enjoy:_

KNOCK KNOCK KNOCK

Lloyd: Who is it, come in.

Grabs weapon

Colette: Hi Lloyd, it's snowing outside.

Lloyd: Really.

Colette: YEAH, It's REALLY REALLY SNOWING. It's awesome!

Lloyd: ... Oh yeah, you couldn't feel the cold at all once.

Colette: Hey, you wanna go outside?

Lloyd: ... Are you kiding, it's cold, I don't like cold. Cold's cold!

Colette: ... Sorry... do you still wanna go outside?

A menu box appears

Lloyd: AHHHHHH, what the Hell is this!

Colette: ... the menu box, if you wanna go, you press yes.

Lloyd: Ok, let's see our options.

Reads, options Are: Yes, No, Hell No, Die already, AND Yes and take away her possessions

Lloyd: ...Hmm, nah, she dosn't have anything worth taking. But, she's my friend and I guess I love her... So yes.

Touches yes

Lloyd: Sigh. Sure, let's go.

Colette: Yay.

They are outside near the church, standing near the terrace

Colette: Wow, it's cold, isn't it.

Lloyd: Yup... cold as ice...

Colette: ... Lloyd, you remember what Kratos said when we went to the Asgard Ranch?

Lloyd: No, what was that like 20 years ago, 5 monthes?

Colette: It was 10 days ago.

Lloyd: ... Wow, whoever's playing this game probqably has no life whatsoever.

Colette: Yup, anyway. Kratos said that we can get rid of our Exshpere's at any time, but we should-

Lloyd: You can't take yours off, otherwise you'll die.

Colette: ... ANYWAY. We should keep them so we can rememeber the people who were used to make them and to-

Lloyd: Who WAS it that was made to be your Cruxis Crystall?

Colette: SHADDUP! I DON'T KNOW, NOW IF YOU DON'T SHUT UP I'M GOING TO BE REALLY MAD AND CRAZY AND HURT ALL THOSE THAT DON'T PRAISE THE DARK LORD AND ALL OF- ... I mean, SHADDUP! YOU UNDERSTAND!

Lloyd: _Hmm, I feel alot more attracted to her now, I find evil to be soo cute._ Uh, yeah, continue.

Colette: We should continue to use our Exspheres so that we can still be strong and win against evil and blah blah blah blah, you're just staring at my flat chest aren't you?

Lloyd: ... What?

Colette: ... Heh

Lloyd: _Dammit, I was hoping she would turn mad again. Maybe this will work._ Colette, umm, there's something... I have to say.

Colette: ... YES!

Lloyd: You are a sad and pathetic girl, and you'll never amount to anything.

Colette: ... Are you kidding, I'm the Chosen of Mana, I'm famous.

Lloyd: Oh yeah, well, think about this! Everyone who believed in you DIED to the Giant Tree and it's all YOUR FAULT YOU LOSER!

Colette: Ehh, these things happen.

Lloyd: Damn, _I like it when she's mad and cute... _I know. The Goddess Martel is NOT real and all of your beliefs are stupid and meaningless and you are not worthy of being her vessel!

Colette: ... Thank you Lloyd. Hugs him That must mean you really really want me to live.

Lloyd: _Damn... well, she IS touching me... this is hot. Hmm ... For some reason my pants grew tighter..._ Uh, yup.

Colette: So, now what?

Lloyd: What else? We're gonna kick the living BeJeses out of Cruxis tomorrow.

Colette: Cool, and, for good luck... here.

Gives Lloyd a gift

Lloyd: What's this?

Colette: It's a Flanoir Snow bunny's foot. I got it at a gift shop here.

Lloyd: Can I find this in any store here?

Colette: Nope, that's what makes it a SPECIAL key item.

Lloyd: Oh... I'm surprised, I thought you hated the idea of them killing innocent bunnies so that we can take off their foots, fry them, and say their good luck.

Colette: Yeah, but then I thought, what the Hell.

Lloyd: Whoa, you're bad to the bone.

Colette: Oh dear, sorry about that.

Lloyd: _Damn._ Thanx. See ya tomorrow.

Colette: Ok

Kiss's Lloyd

Colette: Night.

Leaves

Lloyd: Hmm, that was cool. Wow, a special foot. I will treasure this and not wonder about where she got it... but just in case.

Walks to where Abbyssion is

Lloyd: Yo.

Abyssion: Hey, how's the search coming?

Lloyd: Ok, we got like... 7 of those weapons, one was in Derris Kharlan.

Abbyssion: Yup, they do that.

Lloyd: Hey, can you look at this rabbit's foot.

Abbyssion: Sure, why?

Lloyd: You're some kind of Demon Hunter right?

Abbyssion: Demon hunter? What the Hell are you talkin-

Nebilim/Abbyssion: SILENCE, THAT IS THE LIE WE TOLD HIM, NOW GO WITH IT. NO ONE CAN DEFY ME-

Abbyssion: ... Oh yeah, so what about it?

Lloyd: Could you tell me how old this foot is?

Abbyssion: Ok, hmm... I'd say, about 5 hours ago this thing was finished.

Lloyd: Really how?

Abbyssion: _Wow, I actually know how this was done?_ I'd say, it was taken...by a girl, by the fingerprints on the fur. Then the bunny was slaughtered by some sort of sharp ring like object.

Lloyd: ... Like a Chakram?

Abbyssion: Yup. The skin was ripped of by hand, and the organs we bitten of. The foot was burn to a crisp, and the fur was not glued, not Mega glued, but SUPER GLUED, to the foot. Then it is dried by a hair dryer, pissed on, then put in the freezer.

Lloyd: ... wow.

Abbyssion: Yup, I sense an evil prescense from it, should I eat it.

Lloyd: Nah, I'll keep it, after all the trouble she went through, I guess I'll keep it.

Abbyssion: Ok, see ya, keep yor eyes open for them Devil's Arms.

Lloyd: Ok, whatever see ya... don't you go inside when it's cold?

Abbyssion: ...Why?

Lloyd: ...Nothing.

Runs back to Inn.

Lloyd: Goodnight Colette, I hope you have GOOD dreams... because I know I won't... I'm going to be sick, I need a nap. Goes to bed

KNOCK KNOCK KNOCK

Lloyd: GO AWAY!

Kratos: ... Cries MEANIE! Runs

Lloyd: ...Hmm... Sleeps

_To Be Continued..._


	12. Funny Alternate Night in Flanoir 2

**Genis: Defiant Magical Bastard Midget **

_Now for Genis __  
__BE FORWARNED, I WENT CRAZY WITH THIS ONE. SUPER CRAZY. MY CRAZYEST ONE YET! __  
__SPOILERZ YOU WERE WARNED OF THE CRAZINESS. HERE:_

KNOCK KNOCK KNOCK... on Heavens door(Not really)

Lloyd: Who is it?

Colette: Hey, could I come in.

Lloyd: No.

Colette: Why not?

Lloyd: _Oh no, I don't want Colette to know I despise her, I have to think of an excuse._ I have pornography under the bed; I'm going to read it. _Smooth._

Colette: Oh... I see. Ok bye.

Colette Leaves and Genis enters

Genis: Hey Lloyd, I wanna see porn!

Lloyd: No, you're too young, or too old, I can't tell with you elves. The point is, NO.

Genis: Come on!

Lloyd: I don't REALLY have any, I just said that so Colette will go away.

Genis: That's mean.

Lloyd: I know, God I'm cool.

Genis: ... You wanna go outside?

Lloyd: No.

Genis: YOU'LL come with me, or I'll tell Colette you lied.

Lloyd: All right, all right. Yeesh.

They go outside, Genis falls

Genis: Ow, my weak bones.

Lloyd: Heh, don't pull a "Colette" on me.

Genis: Heh... Lloyd, how are ya?

Lloyd: Well, i'm very pissed off, how about you?

Genis: I'm depressed and lonely. All in all, pretty normal. So, Kratos is your Daddy?

Lloyd: I guess. Damn, I'm supposed to hate him, now I'm confused.

Genis: Ehh, you'll figure it out. I'm suppose to be mad at Mithos, but I'm not, why?

Lloyd: Oh Genis, it's because you have a homosexual relationship with Mithos.

Genis: What?

Lloyd: I understand being a homo is hard at first... I mean, I never had those feelings before. Except for this one time when Zelos was washing his hair and-

Genis: You idiot, it's because we were friends that I can't be mad at him!

Lloyd: Oh … I see... also, that Zelos thing, that was a joke.

Genis: ...Rrrrrrrriiiiiiiiiiiiiiggggggggggggggggghhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhttt.

Lloyd: HEY! At least I don't have a little boy voice.

Genis: That's because I AM a little boy!

Lloyd: ... How old are you?

Genis: 12.

Lloyd: Really?

Genis: Whatcha think I was?

Lloyd: I thought you lived 100 years because of your elvin blood. That, or I thought you were one of those 'midgets'.

Genis: ...Why are you my best friend, I don't even know if you can spell my name, none the less yours.

Lloyd: I can Spell! Spell, Z P E L E L.

Genis: ... Ok.

Lloyd: Lloyd, L L L O Y Y Y Y Y Y Y Y Y Y I D C.

Genis: LLLOYYYYYYYYYYIDC?

Lloyd: What? The name is "LLOYD." Dumbass.

Genis : Heh, God you're an idiot, that's another reason why I like you.

Lloyd: GOD DAMMIT! Why does everybody come on to me?

Genis: I MEAN WE'RE BUDS YOU IDIOT!

Lloyd: You didn't have to yell!

Genis: Eh, sorry.

Lloyd: I forgive you.

Genis :... You have the attention span of a Teletubby viewer.

Lloyd: O MY GOD... That's on in 5 minutes!

Runs

Genis runs

Genis: Lloyd wait!

Lloyd: NO, must watch Tv!

Genis: FIREBALL!

Lloyd: Ahhhhhhhhh!

Gets hit, and is all burned

Lloyd: Ahhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhh!

Genis: Ooops.

Hours later in the Docs. office

Genis: There, you're fine now.

Lloyd: Owwww, no bandages and no shots. Whew... no one will know.

Genis: Yup.

Lloyd: Damn… is THAT what we've been doing to monsters and everybody we've fought randomly? My god, we're the monsters!

Genis: No, it's the other way around.

Lloyd : Well, I'm going to bed.

Genis: Yah, me too. Oh wait, here!

Lloyd: What's this?

Genis: A cookie.

Lloyd: Ooo, I luv your cookies!

Genis: Don't eat it yet... wait till someother time, when I'm not around.

Lloyd: ... ok, that seems like a pointless key item.

Genis: Heh, I know.

Lloyd: ...Why are you smiling in an evil way?

Genis: No reason, goodnight!

Genis runs

Lloyd: ... Oh well, bottoms up!

Eats, then spits back out

Lloyd: Ewwwwwwwwwwwwwwwwwww, Turd Cookies?

Genis: **HA **

Lloyd: YOU PUT A TURD IN WITH THE COOKIE BATTER?

Genis: Not my turd, it's Noishe's! HA HA HA!

RUNS

Lloyd: Eww, I had a feeling these weren't chocolate chips... you midget bastard son of a bitch jackass...

Grabs turd cookie, puts it in his clothes near his chest, and runs to beat the living BeJeasus out of Genis

Lloyd: Why, I think this turd will come in handy someday, so I'll keep it close to my heart... In case I need something to stop an arrow from killing me… Or I'm just stupid and am not thinking while beating Genis.

Genis: Owwwwww, stop! It hurts! THIS IS WHAT WE'VE BEEN DOING TO MONSTERS, WE'RE THE MONSTERS!

Lloyd: Here, eat my fist!

Genis: YAaaaaaaaahhhhhhhhhhhh!

Raine in her Inn room bed, with another

Raine: Hmm!

Abyssion: What's wrong Raine?

Raine: I thougt I heard a child crying in pain, without me causing it.

Abyssion: ... Probably just 'AfterGlow' effect. You up for another?

Raine: Ok.

Genis and Lloyd hear loud noises of passion from the inn.

Genis: ...Ewww.

Lloyd: Oh my God, the Professor is being attacked!

He runs to her room

Genis: Oh no.

Lloyd: I'm here to help...

Leaves room.

Raine: ...

Abyssion: ... Bye Lloyd.

Lloyd goes to Genis

Genis: Are you ok... why are you smiling?

Lloyd: Hehehehehhehehhehehehehhe … I SAW YOUR SISTER'S BOOBS!

Genis: Ahhhhhhhhh, shaddup!

Lloyd: Is Abyssion your Dad now?

Genis: Shaddup!

Lloyd: If he can't have the Professor, can I ask her out?

Genis: That's it! INDIGNATION!

Lloyd: ... Oh dear.

A GIANT EXPLOSION DESTROYS THAT PART OF THE TOWN  
Raine runs to see what happened, Abyssion ran away, period

Raine: Genis! What did I tell you about you using your spells in a town?

Genis: Raine! What did I tell you about spooning Abyssion?

Raine: ... Is Lloyd ok?

Genis: Yah, he's just unconscious.

Lloyd: Heh heh heh, boobies.

Zelos: BOOBIES? Where?

Genis: What a weird night-

Raine: Gotcha!

Genis: Raine NO!

Raine spanks Genis

Lloyd: Heh, poor Genis.

Zelos: Yup... hmm, is that a turd cookie?

Lloyd: Yes.

Zelos: Can I have it.

Lloyd: Go away Zelos... and weren't you with the Doctor?

Zelos: ... Oh yeah.

Angel wings come out and Zelos flies away

Lloyd: ...Did he jus… But…. And I...Eh, I'll figure that out tomorrow, I'm going to bed. Goodnight Professor, goodnight Genis.

Raine and Genis: Goonight.

SPANKS

Kratos: ... Maybe I'll talk to him some other time. Because right now, all I got is Raine's boobs on my mind.

Kratos Vanishes, and for the first time ever, giggles.

TO BE CONTINUED...


	13. Funny Alternate Night in Flanoir 3

**Raine: Hot For Teacher!**

_Forgive me ___

_Here's Raine now._

_HERE, SPOILERZ, HERE:_

KNOCK KNOCK KNOCK... KNOCK

Lloyd: If it's Colette, don't come in!

Colette: ... 

KNOCK KNOCK KNOCK

Lloyd: Who is it, come in?

Raine: Wanna take a walk?

Lloyd: Sure.

Raine: ...That was easy.

They're outside near the church.

Lloyd: Why are we near a church... oh God, you wanna marry me don't ya. 

Raine: ...No.

Lloyd: Aww, I mean... WHEW.

Raine: I just wanted ta talk.

Lloyd: Oh.

Raine: Sux about your Dad huh.

Lloyd: Ehh, I gotten over it.

Raine: ...Really?

Lloyd: Yup, i just can't handle the fact that that arrogant jackass is suppose to be a role model in my life! All I had was Zelos for god sakes... ZELOS!

Raine: What about Dirk, he luvs you.

Lloyd: Oh, he's just a FAT JERK... please don't tell him I said that! I don't wanna stay in the dungeon when I visit.

Raine: ...

Lloyd: What, you thought that room was the basement, WHAT WOULD WE NEED A BASEMENT FOR? WE HAVE KEEP OUR STUFF IN THE LIVING ROOM- 

Raine: ANYWAY! I was just wondering if you're ok.

Lloyd: Yah... Professor?

Raine: What?

Lloyd: ...Did ya like Kratos?

Raine: Yah, he was kewl.

Lloyd: I mean LIKE like him.

Raine: What?

Lloyd: I mean, LIKE LIKE LIKE like LIKE him.

Raine: No.

Lloyd: Don't lie! Sheena saw ya!

Raine: Yes, fine I did.

Lloyd: Was that so hard to tell me?

Raine: I'm sorry, it's just weird talking about it now... especially all those times we made love.

Lloyd: It's ok…. Wait, LOVE MAKING?

Raine: Yeah … couple of times.

Lloyd: … Times? Plural? More than once! 

Raine: There was that time in Luin, Palmacosta, Asgard, Izlood, that bush near the caravan, that restaurant near the liquor store, Palmacosta again-

Lloyd: I think I get i-

Raine: Then is Meltokio, and Flanoir, and Altessa's house, in the dungeon in Derris Kharlan-

Lloyd: ... after he betrayed us, and he wasn't even near us-

Raine: And in the ocean, HELL, we even had sex when we first met in the temple and later that day on Genis's bed. Also-

Lloyd: ALRIGHT, I GET IT!

Raine: …Fine, I'm just glad to get that off my chest... and speaking of chest, one night with Zelos I was like-

Lloyd: GOD DAMN! I DON'T WANNA HEAR IT! THIS ISN'T HELPING ME! I'M ACTUALLY MORE DISTURBED THAN I WAS BEFORE!

Raine: Sorry, I don't know how to HELP children, that's why I spank them. 

Lloyd: ... I guess.

Raine: ... Do you need a span-

Lloyd: AHHHH, no!

Raine: Oh, wait, I don't spank ya. I kick ya!

Kicks 

Lloyd: Ow, you shouldn't be alowed with children!

Raine: Yup, I'm a lazy teacher.

Both smile.

Raine: Welp, I better go to bed.

Lloyd: Profeesor, I'm NOT gonna sleep with ya. It would just be so awkward, what with Genis right next...

Raine: …Retard.

Lloyd: ...Sorry. I think I'll go to bed too.

Raine: Ok, here.

Lloyd: What's this?

Raine: My wooden paddle.

Lloyd: EEEEEKKK.

Raine: Before I used the power of my wand, I used this to beat up... I mean, punish Genis. I want you to have it.

Lloyd: Aww, for once, someone gave me something I could actually USE. Thanks...I guess.

Raine: You're welcome. Goodnight.

Raine enter's Inn

Lloyd: Yup, she digs me … She obviously blew me a kiss, although to the NAKED EYE it would appear to look like she did nothing at all. I have to act fast and make my MOVE, otherwise she'll think I'm a spaz scrub. It's like Zelos always said.

_Zelos: Lloyd, you gotta tap some ass before someone does it for ya, then you'll NEVER want it._

Lloyd: … Stupid Zelos giving me advice on nothing. Well better go.

Lloyd walks into Raines room where she is asleep, and completely passed out.

Lloyd: Professor … this is hard for me to say but … Wait, WHAT AM I DOING? I can't marry you, you're old! Plus I don't think I want my stuff to be where my dad's stuff was, If ya know what I mean … Do you? Cause I don't. Everything I'm saying I leanred from Zelos and soap operas. The point is, I LOVE the gift … but I think we should just be friends, which we never were because you were my teacher and you failed me in math and lunch. So … what I'm saying is, can I at least see your breast before I go?

Raine: SNORE SNORE SNORE.

Lloyd: …Nice, I confess my heart out to you, and you're not even listening. I'm glad I don't wanna be with you, the connection just wouldn't work. I'm outta here … First I'll see your girly bags and leave.

Genis walks in, SHOCKED.

Genis: Lloyd? What are you doing here?

Lloyd: …This isn't what it looks like.

Genis: You're touching my sleeping sister's boobs while holding a paddle!

Lloyd: ……….Wha ….. What are you suggesting?

Genis: ERUPTION!

Lloyd: Oh, come one now stop!

Town explodes

Hours later in hospital

Lloyd: Ow…. the lesson here is, don't have a sexy encounter with a woman if her brother is close.

Raine: Actually, the moral here is not to take Imaginary Flirtations too far.

Colette: Makes sense.

Genis: I guess... wait no, not really, the moral is... umm.

Lloyd: My Dad and Raine are sexual deviants?

Raine: Oh, Lloyd … I lied.

Lloyd: WHAT? You gave me disturbing discriptions of you and my dad soing stuff!

Raine: Yeah … I was joking. I thought, how could I screw up this kids night. So, I made up some stuff and …. It was pretty funny.

Lloyd: PRETTY FUNNY? Your odd tales and my wild allegations made me think you were coming on to me and made me look stupid and made your brother almost kill everyone.

Genis: So the moral is sometimes jokes can be taken too far?

Colette: Maybe there isn't a moral to this.

Raine: Exactly, just a bunch of stuff happened.

Lloyd: Yup, nothing has to make sense as long as we pretend things made sense. I think, THAT'S the moral.

Genis: I think that's stupid.

Everyone: Hahahahahahahahahahahahahaahhahahaha.

Lloyd: Hahahahahahahha SHUDDUP!

TO BE CONTINUED...


	14. Funny Alternate Night in Flanoir 4

**Sheena: If All Ninjas Were As Hot As Her, I would Start Watching Naruto Again**

_Now Sheena, she's hot, therefore she'll be better than the last one and ALL OF YOU PUT TOGETHER. __  
__Spoilerz ENJOY:_

KNOCK KNOCK Door Blows Up

Lloyd: ... Who is it? Since the door is gone, you can come in I guess.

Sheena: Yo.

Lloyd: Hey Sheena! ...Why did ya blow up my-

Sheena: You wanna take a walk outside?

Lloyd: Uhh, well...

Sheena: PLEAZE.

Lloyd: _When anybody gives me that look, I'm bound to do whatever they say. Just like with Colette, Profeesor and Regal._ Sure.

Sheena: Cool.

They walk till they reach... you know where, the freakin church!

Lloyd: Buurrrrrrr! It is cold!

Sheena: Really?

Efreet comes out

Sheena: I feel just fine.

Lloyd: Heh, lucky you.

Sheena: Heh... So-

Lloyd: Don't you dare ask me 'How are you?' Ok!

Sheena: I wasn't gonna!

Lloyd: Oh... sorry, I just don't feel like talking about it.

Sheena: Talking about what?

Lloyd: About how Kratos betrayed us so long ago, and caused so much pain to us and Colette. And now I realize my foe is actually my father. I'm mad at him, I'm mad at Mithos, I'm mad at... YOU for making me reveal my emotions!

Sheena: HA! I gotcha!

Lloyd: Curse your ninja wit!

Sheena: Heh... this place is boring, let's talk somewhere else.

Lloyd: ...Where?

Sheena: Someplace magical and full of wonder!

Sheena holds on to Lloyd and does that thing where she dissappears and dust appears, Lloyd vanished too.

Sheena: Here we are.

Lloyd: ...A mexian restaurant?

Sheena: Yup, this place has great taquitos!

Lloyd: ...

Hours later

Lloyd: Sheena... I ... I...

Sheena: YES?

Lloyd: I ... BURP! ... I LOVE MEXICAN FOOD!

Sheena: Idiot.

Lloyd: What?

Sheena: Why do I like you?

Lloyd: ...Like me? I-

Sheena: You're cute and all, but you're a freaking moron! You can't take a hint or two EVER! And, YOU HAVE THE MANNERS OF A MONKEY, A DEAD DIABETIC RETARDED MONKEY!

Lloyd: ...Dang, I like monkeys, but not that much.

Sheena: ... Grrrrrr.

Lloyd: Yeesh, calm down CRAZY LADY.

Sheena: GRRRRRRRRRRRR.

Lloyd: I mean, it's not MY fault that you're a crazy tramp like ninja lady who thinks about beating up people instead of getting to know them and such. They call me a HILLBILLY, even though you're more like one as well.

Sheena: ...

Devil horns start popping out of Sheena's head.

Lloyd: Wow you are an, _SHADDUP SHADDUP SHADDUP!_, I mean... sorry I burped.

Sheena: ... ... Forgiven.

She's fine now.

Lloyd: WHEW

Sheena: Heh, whatever.

Lloyd: Sheena?

Sheena: I'm getting dessert, I wonder what Mexicans have-

Lloyd: Sheena?

Sheena: I wonder if Mexican Cheesecake has Mexican cheese in it, if so, I WON'T EAT THAT... Yes I will.

Lloyd: SHEENA!

Sheena: Huh, did ya say something.

Lloyd: God it's like talking to Dad, if he had a hearing aid. I'm trying to tell ya how much I l-

Five mexican's with guitars come and play near them

Sheena: ...What?

Lloyd: I'm... NEVER MIND. CAN YOU GUYS GO AWAY?

Mariche Musicians: No.

They transform into Golems with Sombraros on them

Lloyd: Damn. Demon Fang!

Sheena: Demon Seal!

They die

Lloyd: ...Well, that was pointless.

Sheena: Yup, well, I'm going to bed.

Lloyd: What, now? You can't just leave me here, not knowing where you teleported me!

Sheena: We're still in Flanoir, just in the area you don't normally notice: Little Mexico.

Lloyd: Oh... ok.

Sheena: I'll see ya in the morning, oh, and here.

Lloyd: What's this? One of your card things that do attacks?

Sheena: ...Yes. It's very personal, so, don't look at it until I leave.

Lloyd: Ok, thanx. See you early in the morning, tomorrow we head for Cruxis's base tomorrow.

Sheena: Ok. In case you were saying that during the music, I luv ya too.

She kissed Lloyd, then vanishes

Lloyd: I uh, um, ek, uh um, _Oh man, what do I wanna say something but..._ WHAT THE ! This card is... just the receipt for the food! ... 2.3 billion Gald!

Waiter: Amigo, will you pay?

Lloyd: Uh... yeah... Eh?

Waiter: Do you have your 2.3 billion gald off coupon?

Lloyd: No.

Waiter: Wow, no coupon? You must be rich ehh?

Lloyd: ...Could you bring me some bread?

Waiter: Of course.

Leaves

Lloyd pulls out Verizon Wireless cell phone

Zelos's Voice Mail: Hello Dudes and Dudettes, this is the Chosen of Mana. I'm not on the phone thingy right now, so leave your name number, and send me a picture of you naked, then I'll rep-

Zelos: Hello?

Lloyd: ZELOS! It's me, Lloyd!

Zelos: Oh, hey man. Wasssssuuuup?

Lloyd: I'm stuck in a Mexican Restaurant and-

Zelos: And Sheena left you the bill?

Lloyd: How'd you-

Zelos: Dude, why do you think I never dated her?

Lloyd: Because she finds you repulsive on the inside and thinks of you as a man whore.

Zelos: ... Oh yeah.

Lloyd: WHAT DO I DO?

Zelos: Just do this... whisper whisper whisper whisper.

Lloys: Ah, gotcha... Sheena Kissed me!

Zelos: ...NO WAY!

Lloyd: WAY!

Zelos: NO WAY!

Lloyd: WAY!

Zelos: NO W-

Lloyd: We get the point of how unlikely it is, but it happened.

Zelos: You lucky dog. Heh, well, see ya.

Hangs up

Lloyd: Ok, here it goes. HEY WAITER!

Waiter: Are you ready to pay?

Lloyd: I won't be paying, FOR I AM THE GREAT ZELOS WILDER, the Chosen of Mana!

Waiter: NO YOU'RE NOT!

The waiter rips off waiter shirt, underneath is a T Shirt of Zelos on it

Waiter: I'm his # 1 fan, I know who he looks like!

Lloyd: ...But you're a dude-

Waiter: DIE!

The waiter tries to attack him, with menus!

Lloyd: Eeekk... , Sheena took me swords! That is soooooo rude!

Waiter: Hiyah!

Lloyd: Oh man, I'm gonna die to a foreigner!

Sheena appears and blast's the waiter away with Shadow's attack

Lloyd: Sheena!

Hugs... then almost strangles her.

Lloyd: You biotch, how dare ya!

Sheena: I was gonna come back!

Lloyd: Were not!

Sheena: Were... Ok, I wasn't.

Lloyd: Arrgggg!

Sheena: I'm sorry, I was just joking around with ya, and I thought you'd like paying for stuff considering how NICE I've always been to ya!

Lloyd: ...Always? The day we met, you tried to kill me!

Sheena: Nobodies perfect!

Waiter: Auuuggggghhhh, you two have relationship issues.

Both: Shaddup!

Attack waiter

Look at eachother and laugh

Sheena: Sorry.

Lloyd: Ehh, I can never stay mad at ya, because I'm so naive.

Sheena: Yup, see ya.

Dissappear

Lloyd: Heh heh heh, well, better go before the Chef comes.

Runs

TO BE CONTINUED...


	15. Funny Alternate Night in Flanoir 5

**Presea: Cute, Pink Haired, and Nearly Gothic**

_She's SO Goth-like, not emo, emo sucks. She doesn't suck. Being Goth is like … ok. At least Gothic people look kinda cool … wait …. They both suck. Presea is CUTE. She's nether Goth or Emo, she's like … a Robot. A cute Pink Haired Robot with a Big Axe. So, She's Hardcore! IT MUST CONTINUE. Presea: __  
__SPOLIERZ, enjoy:_

Knock... Knock……………………. Knock

Lloyd: Come on in Presea.

Presea walks in

Presea: How did you-

Lloyd: I just figured.

Presea: Your logic makes no sense, answer again.

Lloyd: ...Wassup?

Presea: Do you mean What Is Up? Well, the skies, the clouds, the snow, the-

Lloyd: I mean, why did you come here.

Presea: Uhhhh... here.

Lloyd: What's this.

Presea: A... a... gift?

Lloyd: Awww, thanks... Can I open it?

Presea: MAY I open it.

Lloyd: NO! I wanna open it!

Presea: SIGH Just open it retard.

Lloyd: Ok... ... ... ... ... ... I CAN'T OPEN IT!

Presea: Take the ribbon off first, THEN pry open the box.

Lloyd: OH, Well... What forces of evil put this ribbon over it, it must DIE! Rising Falcon!

Box is hit, explodes.

Lloyd: ... I think I broke your present. Sorry.

Presea: ... ... It's ok.

Lloyd: What was it?

Presea: Nothing special, just a 100,000,000 gift certificate to Best Buy.

Lloyd: AWW MAN, I could've gotten an IPod. That way, whenever we're fighting, and that boring stupid music plays, you'll be hearing crap, while I hear some Van Halen and-

Presea: … …. :(

Lloyd: ...Sorry...

Presea: Tis ok, take this instead.

Lloyd receives CD

Lloyd: Hmm 'Presea MixTape'. You made a mixtape!

Presea: Yes.

Lloyd: How'd you find the time to make this? I never seen you near a computer or anything!

Presea: Believe it or not I do normal stuff your guys don't always know about. Cut me some slack.

Lloyd: Thanks.

Hugs Presea

Lloyd: Thanks a lot. I don't have anything to give to you.

Presea: Tis ok. See ya.

Lloyd: Bye.

Presea leaves

Lloyd: see, THAT'S a nice girl. She knows when a man wants a gift and doesn't wanna go into the goddam cold winter near a church. How sweet. Ok, lets listen here.

Turns on computer... kinda, first he hits it a couple of times, then notices the giant TURN ON button, and turns on computer

Lloyd: Ok, use media player to... wait, I wanna look up something real quick.

Types in stuff, stares at screen for 15 minutes, throws up, and goes to media thing

Lloyd: Ok, WOW, Zelos and Rodyle really does have their own websites... I just wish Sheena was more specific about that. Ok, now for music.

Turns on. 1st song is from Korn

Lloyd: ...Ewwwwww! Next song!

Some other satin worshiping song!

Lloyd: Ewwwwwww! next song!

Madonna

Lloyd: EWWWWWWWWWWWWWW... wait, what the firetruck?

Madonna, the GoGos, The Who, Britany Spears, J Lo, Ac/Dc, Fleetwood Mac and more Madonna, in that order.

Lloyd: ...Wow… Kinda OOC for that creepy chick. Presea comes on as a sorta 'Gothic lady'. But apparently... Presea's a Goddam poser! HA HA HA HA HAAHA HAAHAH HA burn! Last song!

Song sung in Presea's Voice

Presea: Hey... Lloyd, here's a... song. It's called Dancing Queen. Dun Dun Dun Dun, Dun dun dundudn udndudnd.

_Friday night and the lights are low __  
__Looking out for the place to go __  
__Where they play the right music, getting in the swing __  
__I come in to look for a king __  
__Anybody could be that guy __  
__Night is young and the music's high __  
__With a bit of rock music, everything is fine __  
__I'm in the mood for a dance __  
__And when I get the chance... __  
__SIGH __  
__**I are the dancing queen, young and sweet, only seventeen**... or more_**_  
_****_Dancing queen, feel the beat from the tambourine _****_  
_****_I can dance, I can jive, having the time of your life _****_  
_****_See that girl, watch that scene, dig in the dancing queen!_**

Lloyd turns off computer

Lloyd: ... I'm... going to be now...wow, this is what makes Presea... so... goth like? ….. I like …. Am bored …. I wanna sleep, and I all of the sudden have a crush on Genis yet know we can never be together because of his lack of masculinity and apparently I'm too old. Damn You Preses!… I didn't wanna know tha-

Sleeps

Presea: Hee hee hee. Finally, I have a laky!

Lloyd: SNORE

Presea: … And I DON'T HAVE A CRUSH ON HIM! TAKE IT BACK! DAMMIT!

Lloyd: SNORE

Presea: …Look at me, I'm denying relations and yelling at someone which is illogical because I know he can't hear me. Good God … I think I caught Lloyd's stupid. His Stupid? Good God, I can't even says a complete good sentence! … AWWWWWW!

Lloyd: SNORE tee hee Madonna, SNORE!

Presea: … Lloyd? LLOYD?

Lloyd: What's Wrong Buddha? Is the Ice Cream Temple under attack?

Presea: … You didn't get any smarter at all did you? Your probably now as dumb as your dreams.

Lloyd: Hey! That's an opposite of not nice thing to say!

Presea: Oh well … I guess I wouldn't want a Lloyd any not not opposite different than not normally … I'm gonna have to get use to not usin my sentences good.

Lloyd: Wow, cool… I have a laky.

TO BE CONTINUED...


	16. Funny Alternate Night in Flanoir 6

**Regal: … He's Innocent I Tell Ya! Innocent! Of What, I Have No Idea.**

_Now we come to regal; boring, almost pointless manly Regal. _

_Regal: That's not nice._

_Neither is your face, now Shut It! _

_In honor of this man, here's his spoof. I guess there are Spoilers:_

KNOCK KNOCK KNOCK KNOCK!

Lloyd: … Who is it? Come in.

Regal walks in.

Lloyd: …Oh crap.

Lloyd blocks the door, acts in a panicky state.

Lloyd: OH … Hey Bud. Whatcha doin in the middle of the night, an escaped convict, coming to this … innocent boy's room?

Regal: … I was wondering if you wanted to go for a walk, I feel the need to talk to you.

Lloyd: _Oh man, I've seen too many Lifetime Movies and Cold Case openings to know what's gonna happen … I'm gonna die … act cool._ …. OK! Just one second.

Regal goes outside to wait for Lloyd, Lloyd opens an armoire full of swords.

Lloyd looks to you, the readers.

Lloyd: …What? Ask yourselves, whenever we buy new weapons, what the hell do you think happens, we just throw them away? Hell no, that's money dammit. We either sell them or keep them in HERE, my magic furniture of keeping stuff. Regal's a killer, I'm gonna need … one … no … two or three … I'm gonna need ALL these swords to take him on in case.

Lloyd walks outside, Regal is amazed at all the swords Lloyd is carrying and TRYING to conceive in his clothes.

Regal: Lloyd, why do you have almost every pair of swords you've had that you didn't sell near you?

Lloyd: I Don't KNOW what you are talking about, tee hee.

Regal: Lloyd, there are tons of swords hidden beneath your shirt thing … you didn't put the covers on them, you're bleeding rapidly.

Lloyd: It's to eh… SURPRISE THE ENEMY! Now that we're on Mithos's most wanted list, he'll come after us, so I'm prepared for angels or desians! Ha!

Regal: We've always been on his bad side, why would he come here now?

Lloyd: …I'm being safe! Is it a CRIME to make sure bad angels stay away!

Regal: I … I guess not.

Lloyd: Good then.

Regal: … But your bleeding.

Lloyd: No pain, no … birdies. Birdies of Blood, Wait, those are bats, AHHH Bats!

Regal: Are you hallucinating due to the mass blood loss, or are you just being normal?

Lloyd: Go away Killer! Go back to Killer Town! Go on a tour with The Killerz! Sing song, get drunk, then kill some more!

Regal: …Is that what this is all about? … You're not comfortable being with one who is an escaped convict, are you?

Lloyd: Of course I am. I'm hanging out with a little boy, his abusive older sister, a powerful blonde, a dangerous ninja girl, a feminine guy perv, and a little pink haired girl with almost no emotions and carries a big sharp axe. Not to mention my enimies is a psychopath pretty boy angel with a pack of evil angels and half elves who wanna kill my friend for no reason. An escaped convict should be the LAST of my worries.

Regal: So, you're ok with me being here?

Lloyd: … I'm sorry man, I guess I am being somewhat of a … a …

Regal: A Dumbass.

Lloyd: … I was gonna say an unreasonable boy.

Regal: Ok … an unreasonable dumbass boy who is dying.

Lloyd: … Tee hee. Ow.

He lets all of his weapons escape the horror of being near his fleshy smelly body.

Lloyd: Sorry man, I thought about Mithos and thought I had to fear you, to fear everyone I trusted. But apparently, I just need to not trust Zelos.

Regal: …Fair enough.

Lloyd: So, whatada wanna talk about Regal?

Regal: Oh, I wanted to give you something.

Regal gives Lloyd Handcuffs.

Lloyd: Oh coo… I KNEW IT!

Regal: What?

Lloyd: You're gonna handcuff me while I'm down so Ican't fight back, then you're gonna grab me, throw me over a hill and watch me die! Just like Skooter, the last dog I had before Noishe!

Regal: … Nnnnnnnnnnnnnnnoooooooooooooooooooo. That wasn't it at all. They were mine, and I want you to have them as a momento.

Lloyd: Oh … These fitted you?

Regal: No, I was too masculine and gargantuous in stature, so they gave me these gorilla cuffs and I just kept my old ones as a suveneir. Now, I want YOU to have them.

Lloyd: Oh … thanks?

Regal: Huh?

Lloyd: … What? … I'm sorry, this is just a really crappy gift. What good will this do, I can't fight with them. My only hope is to cuff Yggdrassil, or IF BY SOME RARE CHANCE these things will protect me from an arrow right to the chest … and if so, how will I fit these in my shirt?

Regal: …You just shoved a lot of swords into your shirt and honestly, it only appeared like you gained 15 pounds. And your asking me how you'll fit these in your shirt? …And that's not the point. It's so you'll remember me, dumbass.

Lloyd: … Sorry again man, you know … paranoid … you know.

Regal: Yah … whatever, I'm going back to bed. Later.

Regal leaves.

Lloyd: … Why do I make the people I like leave me!

TO BE CONTINUED …


	17. Funny Alternate Night in Flanoir 7

**Zelos: Man Pretty**

_Now we come to my beloved boy Zelos Wilder or Pretty Red Headia. Oh the tales I could tale of him wandering through super markets, realizing at the last minute it was a barber shop. Or the time he called me Margeret and he called his girlfriend by my name … AWKWARD. Oh well, instead, here's how his scene with Lloyd coulda differed. There's probably spoilers somewhere … if you care:_

Tap Tap Tap

Lloyd: …Who is it? … Don't come in I'm naked.

Zelos comes in anyway. Embarrassed.

Lloyd: Now, what does that tell us about YOU.

Zelos: Shaddup. That's not why I came in.

Lloyd: Yes it is

Zelos: Shut your face hole Lloyd. I've come here to ask if you'd walk with me for a bit. So, willcha?

Lloyd: Why the fookenheimer would I wanna do that?

Zelos: If ya don't, I'll just keep bothering you until you say yes.

Lloyd: You don't bother me that much, do your worst, I'm not going out there. It's goddam cold.

Zelos: SIGH. Ok then.

Zelos pulls out a script and starts reading it.

Zelos: _Scene one, act one "A time of timeless clock watching." Mr. Fingleberry walks into the room dressed like that nerd guy from Better Off Dead who I think was also from Revenge of the Nerds. He talks to the busty Elenor BustyBust as_-

Lloyd: What are you doing?

Zelos: Hmm? Oh, reading from a screenplay that I wrote. Now if you're done BOTHERING me. _He talks to Elenor about his prostate exam and mumbles sexy talk into her ear-_

Lloyd: Good God, you write like you talk … please stop.

Zelos: _After that talk, they have sex … and it was good. ALL OF THE SUDDEN, a cable guy comes in and takes of his tanktop_-

Lloyd: ALRIGHT! I'LL GO WITH YOU! Just shut the Hell up!

Zelos: Weeeeee! Ok, let's roll.

Lloyd: I hate you.

Zelos: I love you too.

They walk outside, it's cold, you get the idea where this is going.

Lloyd: … You ever think about taking English Writing classes?

Zelos: No, not really. The little boy I read this to before you thought it was BRILLIANT!

Lloyd: That poor horny boy.

Zelos: And all my old rich friends, they thought I was a brilliant writer.

Lloyd: Were they rich before or AFTER you said you were good.

Zelos: …Before. But, they got rich REALLY fast after I gave them all 16000 gald for being so nice.

Lloyd: Are you saying you buy friendships?

Zelos: I prefer to say I reward kindness.

Lloyd: You are one sad strange flamboyant man.

Zelos: See, THAT would've received a mere 1000 gald and a piece of cheese.

Lloyd: …Ok.

Zelos: You don't like cheese?

Lloyd: ANYWAY. Why'd you bring me out here.

Zelos: So I can make sweet passionate love to you right here in front of the house of God.

Lloyd: What?

Zelos: Hahahahahahahaha! Gotcha! Heheheheh, fag. If I WERE a gay pedophile, I could SO find a better looking kid than you!

Lloyd: …What's wrong with me?

Zelos: You're a lowdown retard hillbilly hick.

Lloyd: …How so?

Zelos: You think Monty Python is a Knight of the Round Table.

Lloyd: …Do not… Anymore.

Zelos: Heheheh, retard. Anyway, I just wanted to chat with ya.

Lloyd: Oh, cool. About what?

Zelos: Sheena's rack.

Lloyd: WHAT?

Zelos: HA! Gotcha again! HAHAHA!

Lloyd: Oh … heh, you almost got me there. Ok … what did you REALLY want us to talk about?

Zelos: Colette's Rack.

Lloyd: …Hahaha, funny-

Zelos: It seems nearly invisible. But underneath that white cloak thing she wears, I think there is a lovely pair bozangas in there somewhere. You should know, you've tapped that right?

Lloyd: ……Wha … I'm REALLY UNCOMFORTABLE around you now.

Zelos: …SORRY, COULD'NT RESIST! HAHAHAHAHA! I love me. Tee hee.

Lloyd: …STOP THAT!

Zelos: Sorry man, I was gonna tell ya about my deep dark feelings of angst and my mother dying and stuff … but this was too damn fun of an opportunity to pass off. Hee hee.

Lloyd: …Oh.

Zelos: Sorry for messing with ya. I guess I joke around a tad too much.

Lloyd: It's ok for ya to joke around, you're mostly a character put on my team for comic relief anyway.

Zelos: …Harsh yet true. The truth never ceases to be so cold.

Lloyd: Wow … that's truly an inspiring statement … to think it came from the same guy who basically wrote a screenplay for a porno.

Zelos: Hey! The Sexy Dragon Tale is not a porno … It's independent art!

Lloyd: …Nah, director's just call it that when they know their art isn't good enough to be a real piece of art.

Zelos: … Harsh to the power of infinity … plus 20.

Lloyd: …You know what I like about you.

Zelos: What?

Lloyd: Every time I talk to you, I somehow seem smarter by comparison.

Zelos: …Glad to help… jackass.

Lloyd: Heh. I'm bored, I'm gonna go back now.

Zelos: Wait! Here!

Zelos hands Lloyd Cruxis Crystal.

Zelos: It may be of some help. Also this way, I'm guaranteed not to die when I betray ya-

Lloyd: What?

Zelos: What?

Lloyd: No, what'd you say-

Zelos: Flip Flop … Single working mom show.

Lloyd: That made no sense.

Zelos: …I forgot what I said, so I said something more interesting.

Lloyd: …Ok, I … I'm too tired to question. I'm going to sleep.

Zelos: With who?

Lloyd: Gah! No one- by myself! I mean … to rest I … I HATE YOU!

Lloyd runs back.

Zelos: SIGH, Why are the pretty anime girly guys always somehow evil? Whatever.

Continues reading his thingy.

Zelos: _Capt. Jack Esquier never made love to an Asian Tennis Instructor before, but by the end of the day, she taught Jack something about his "raquet". Also they had sex. Yeah_… this is good.

TO BE CONTINUED ...


	18. Funny Alternate Night in Flanoir 8

**Kratos: The Anti Zelos **

_The epic conclusion on this thingy I've been doin for a bit will end, with the angel daddy himself, Kratos Auriion … Esquire. Well, it was a tough one. Kratos didn't wanna come do the scene, until we persuaded him with violence and threats of TOMATO BATHES. So, I proudly yet sadly present the Kratos Flanoir Sceneamajiger. Spoilers, like A LOT:_

Lloyd: I kinda feel bad turning down Coltette and those other two people who wouldn't leave me alone. Oh well, now I can get some sleep-

The wall where the door was exploded, and Kratos walked in.

Kratos: Hello Lloyd.

Lloyd: … You coulda just knocked. This is an inn dammit. I'm probably gonna hafta pay for that ginormous hole. Look at it! What the hell?

Kratos: There's no time to explain. You wanna go for a walk?

Lloyd: There's no time to explain, yet there's time for a walk!

Kratos: Yes.

Lloyd: …You also coulda just… I dunno, use telekapathic powers to tell me to come outside so we could talk.

Kratos: Well, I don't have TELEKAPATHIC POWERS. It's telekinesis, and I rarely do that. Also … that's less cool than blowing up a wall.

Lloyd: …How's you do tha-

Kratos: Quadruple Demon Fang.

Lloyd: Nice. Ok fine … So … do I just walk out the hole or something.

Kratos: You can, I'll go outside my own way.

Lloyd: Teleportation?

Kratos: Sure. I'll meet you there.

Lloyd walks through the giant hole, to the front desk, out the front door and walks to the church. Kratos goes to the wall near the window, walks towards the wall and created another hole, except he just walked and came out, createing a perfect Kratos body sized hole in the wall. The hair and everything. Then he teleported to the church.

Kratos: Yo.

Lloyd: …So … what you wanna talk about.

Kratos: About all that crap that just happened last night.

Lloyd: Oh yeah … when we were traveling, did you always know I was your son?

Kratos: I didn't at first. I suspected it the moment we met, when you're named was called out, I got curious.

Lloyd: Ah, so that explains syunned face when we met.

Kratos: When I saw Anna's grave, I had a feeling you were my son.

Lloyd: That's how you knew for sure.

Kratos: No. I had to find out for sure.

Lloyd: How?

Kratos: One night when you were sleeping, I plucked out a piece of your hair, scraped a piece of your skin off, got a saliva, sweat, and stool sample and took it in somewhere for analysis. I compared the DNA of yours with mine. Then. I knew you were my son.

Lloyd: …I figured the tombstone, my exsphere, my age and stories I've told would've been good enough.

Kratos: Nah.

Lloyd: …OK. So … didja kill my mom?

Kratos: Sadly yes.

Lloyd: YOU GIGANTIC ASS!

Kratos: Calm down. I was some jerk back then until I met your mom. God she was pretty … Well anyway, one time when we went to go see the Ice Capades, that asshole Kvar ratted me out, turned Anna into a monster and I had to kill her. I assumed you died as well.

Lloyd: Didn't you look for me?

Kratos: I did look, I looked for a whole hour and twenty minutes. But by the next hour, I was depressed, joined a Goth Band then later I went back to Yggdrassil.

Lloyd: Awwwww.

Kratos: Seeing Anna as a monster, naked, must be why Noishe is such a pussy when monsters appear.

Lloyd: I guess so.

Noishe walks up to Kratos and sniffs his ass.

Kratos: Not now boy … or girl, I forget.

Noishe: Ruff.

Lloyd: ANYWAY … what else is there to talk about … hmmm. Well, there is one thing I wanna know about.

Kratos: Yes son?

Lloyd: Why didn't you ever come to any of my Little League games?

Kratos: … Ar… Are you serious? I thought you were dead.

Lloyd: You coulda took the time to look me up and see my awesome batting!

Kratos: Well, I personally find baseball boring. BUT I'll pretend to take interest.

Lloyd: Just like a real father. I was good because I used TWO bats!

Kratos: They allowed that?

Lloyd: I dunno. I just did it anyway. I use everything in twos. I eat cereal with two spoons, dig with two shovels, play Final Fantasy Tactics with two gameboys!

Kratos: I'm not sure how you can possibly get anything done like that.

Lloyd: That's why I have Genis do pretty much everything for me.

Kratos: That's my boy. Well, I gotta go. Good luck againt Mithos, don't loose sight of Colette … or she'll just wonder off and stuff.

Lloyd: I'll show him!

Kratos leaves. Lloyd goes back to the inn. Noishe and Kratos meet behind an alleyway.

Kratos: Hey buddy.

Noishe: RUFF!

Kratos: Happy to see you too.

Noishe: RUFF ruff ruff ruff RUFF ruff RUFF bark!

Kratos: Nah, I'll see him eventually. Until then I'll leave him this locket. Can you make sure you get this to him?

Noishe: Ruff!

Kratos: Ok, open wide.

Noishe opens mouth.

Kratos: …Guess again.

Noishe: …RUFF?

It's the next morning, Lloyd walks outside see's Noishe.

Lloyd: Hey there Noishe … You ok?

Noishe sits down, takes a dump, and the locket is revealed.

Lloyd: …Woah. I didn't know you crapped out jewelry.

Noishe: Bark bark bark rough ruff ruff?

Lloyd: What's that Noishe? Kratos wanted to give me this locket of his?

Noishe: Ruff ruff grrrrrrrr.

Lloyd: HE SHOVED IT WHERE!

Noishe: Ruff Ruff.

Lloyd: Why?

Noishe: Ruff RUFF grrrrr bark ruff ruff grrrrrrrr bark bark bark mmmmm mmmmm mmmmm bark.

Lloyd: Oh … that explains it.

Noishe: Grrrrrr ruff ruff!

Lloyd: What? Genis is trapped in a well?

Noishe: Ruuu… RrrrYes.

Lloyd: Oh god, let's go get him!

Lloyd rides Noishe to a well and pulls someone out of the well. It wasn't Genis, so Lloyd threw the kid back in and went back to the inn.


	19. Funny Night in Flanoir Commentary Bonus

**Chosen Zelos' Director Commentary **

CZ: Here's a behind the scenes commentary on the scene Funny Alternate Night in Flanoir secne for Kratos. Here with me is actor, singer and choreographer Zelos Wilder.

Zelos: Hello there my lovely peoples. And salutations and such.

CZ: Glad you could join us from your busy schedule.

Zelos: Oh come on, ever since the game ended you know I had positively nothing else to do.

CZ: I know. I know. Let's just start this.

Zelos: Why do you need a Director Commentary? You're writer not a director. These scenes were WRITEN not DIRECTED.

CZ: This way I can make a new story without actually writing a new story. It's called cheating by some, creative drafting by me. Let's just start.

_Lloyd: I kinda feel bad turning down Coltette and those other two people who wouldn't leave me alone. Oh well, now I can get some sleep-_

_The wall where the door was exploded, and Kratos walked in._

_Kratos: Hello Lloyd._

Zelos: Funny thing about that scene, right man?

CZ: Yes. The original script stated that Kratos was just supposed to talk to Lloyd in his mind and make Lloyd come out. But Kratos was always a strange person to work with.

Zelos: Yeah, apparently he's taken many improvisation classes and was always known for taking his work to the extreme.

CZ: Yeah, it's really Presea's fault. Before we started shooting Presea went up to Kratos and told her to go all out and improve the opening. She said, I believe something like "Don't do what Kratos would do, do what Kratos would WANT to do."

Zelos: What does that mean?

CZ: Well the scenes were suppose to be funny and alter from the original namco game, but writing this I wanted to keep that part simple and get to the jokes.

Zelos: It was pretty funny thought, he improvises pretty well.

CZ: I suppose.

_Kratos: Sure. I'll meet you there._

_Lloyd walks through the giant hole, to the front desk, out the front door and walks to the church. Kratos goes to the wall near the window, walks towards the wall and created another hole, except he just walked and came out, createing a perfect Kratos body sized hole in the wall. The hair and everything. _

Zelos: That wasn't part of the original script either, right.

CZ: No, all he did was make more holes in the wall. I'll just say right now, Kratos is an asshole.

Zelos: ChosenZelos? How rude of you.

CZ: I'm sorry, but he is. I'll admit, he's a great actor. I saw him perform at the Pantages Theater in LA, and I loved his performance as Glenda the Good Witch in the Broadway Production Wicked. But I soon realized he was a prick to work with.

Zelos: He was always SO FRIENDLY when I worked with him.

CZ: You two had like only 2 ta 5 scenes with eachother. Try directing him. Did you know he still got paid for all the scenes he was NOT in?

Zelos: How the Hell is that possible!

CZ: I dunno, there was a mix up in Kratos' contract, and not only did he get paid in those non Kratos scenes, he also pretty much owns all the rights to Raines scenes and receives royalty checks everytime she has a scene. I guess that's the downside of his attorney being a Kratos Fan Girl.

Zelos: Damn. He's richer than I am … OH WAIT! Listen, I love this part!

CZ: Asshole.

_Kratos: Sadly yes._

_Lloyd: YOU GIGANTIC ASS!_

Zelos: YES! Hahahaha. That is awesome. Lloyd is like such a great actor, he really pulls off the whole "I'm stupid and yell a lot." It's just great. He did an amazing job portraying Lloyd Irving.

CZ: Yes, many people do not realize how intelligent Lloyd actually is. He's pretty wise for his age, didja know he graduated from San Diego State College with a major in Theater Arts, Advanced Chemisrty and Web Design. After words, he took a trip to a deep region of Asia and mastered Martial arts?

Zelos: …No, I did not know that.

CZ: Neither did I at first, but that's what I hear.

Zelos: Wow. I guess the most dimwitted characters aren't always what they appear. Kinda like the mom character on All in the Family.

CZ: Exactly.

_Lloyd: I was good because I used TWO bats!_

_Kratos: They allowed that?_

_Lloyd: I dunno. I just did it anyway. I use everything in twos. I eat cereal with two spoons, dig with two shovels, play Final Fantasy Tactics with two gameboys!_

Zelos: That was great as well. Lloyd improvised that entire scene. I'm amazed Kratos could contain his laughter. When off set I saw him try hard not to break character.

CZ: Yeah, you can always count on Kratos to not smile.

Zelos: Oh come on.

CZ: I'm sorry. Lloyd really is great though.

_Noishe: RUFF!_

_Kratos: Happy to see you too._

_Noishe: RUFF ruff ruff ruff RUFF ruff RUFF bark!_

_Kratos: Nah, I'll see him eventually. Until . . ._

Zelos: Noishe is like so cute.

CZ: He is I know. The dog who played Lassie wanted the role, but he didn't look ridiculous enough to be a mythical creature. Luckily I spotted Noishe going through my garbage cans. Ever since then, he's been the best animal I've worked with since.

Zelos: What about Corrine?

CZ: No, that thing is a jerk. It pissed all over my brand new leather sofa.

_Kratos: Ok, open wide._

_Noishe opens mouth._

_Kratos: …Guess again._

_Noishe: …RUFF?_

CZ: That actually was in the script, so no one can blame Kratos. Luckily a Stunt Noishe came and took it.

_Noishe: Ruff RUFF grrrrr bark ruff ruff grrrrrrrr bark bark bark mmmmm mmmmm mmmmm bark._

_Lloyd: Oh … that explains it. _

Zelos: Could Lloyd actually understand Noishe?

CZ: I don't think so. They both just followed the script.

Zelos: It worked pretty well. Where'd you get the idea for that?

CZ: I was watching Pee Wee's Playhouse one time and saw a dog bark and Pee Wee understood and did that thing where his voice is loud and annoying. I was hoping for the same results, but I still think it worked well.

Zelos: Yeah, totally.

_Lloyd: What? Genis is trapped in a well?_

_Noishe: Ruuu… Yes._

_Lloyd: Oh god, let's go get him!_

CZ: After we showed this publicly, we actually got sued by the dog that played Lassie for that scenario. The whole "well" thing apparently was patented by the people who created Lassies, so we actually got in trouble for that scene.

Zelos: That sucks.

CZ: It all worked out well. I was so furious and stomped on that dog's face.

Zelos: … Dude? How did that turn out well?

CZ: ...I sued the dog for hurting my foot with his face!

Zelos: Huahahaahahahahahahahaha! Oh my god are you serious?

CZ: I got an 11,000 dollar sediment. That dog won't be bothering us anymore.

Zelos: God I loves ya!

CZ: I'm just saying don't mess with a guy who spends his free time writing funny alternate scenarios to video games.

Zelos: Exactly.

CZ: Well, that's the end of the directory commentary track. I would like to thank Zelos for stopping by.

Zelos: No prob man, no prob.

CZ: And that's all … … Go away.

Zelos: Ok.

**End**


	20. Funny Alternate Yggdrassil Appearence

**The Fallen Angel Who Said To God, "Meh, You Ain't So Hot!" **

_This is pretty much another funny alternate look at the Yggdrassil scene in Lord Remial Parody. But I thought this was a good one so I'm showing it anyway. Plus Yggy Pwns Goddamit. So enjoy, or don't, if you're into that sorta thing. I don't know what I'm saying. Just read before I start talking again. Spoilers, Like HOLY CRAP Spoilerz:_

Lloyd, Raine, Sheena and Genis just defeated Remial, Lloyd calls for Colette.

Lloyd: Coltte? Come down here. I promise it's gonna be ok.

Colette: …

Lloyd: …Fine, be a jerk!

Kratos: She can't hear you dip wad.

Raine: Kratos?

Genis: Where the bloody Hell were you?

Kratos has his angel wings pop out.

Kratos: It turns out I'm an angel.

Sheena: Gasp and Awl!

Kratos: Ok, you can all go away now, Colette and I are gonna go now. Come on Colette! We gotta head out or we're gonna hit traffic!

Lloyd: Heeeeelllllllllz No! You ain't going no where with MY girl!

Kratos: Judgment!

Giant ass light beams hit Lloyd.

Kratos: Ok, now we're gonna go-

A rumble is heard and a light pours from the ceiling. A blond angel comes, we all know who it is … I just said it was about him. But I try to keep it more suspenseful. So shut it.

Kratos: …Aw crap, why is he here?

Question Mark: That was pretty easy, this boy isn't as strong as I figured he'd be.

Kratos: …SIGH. Hi Lord Yggdrassil.

Yggdrassil: Yo Kraty. I see that Remial failed, being the failure that he is, failure.

Sheena: Another angel? How gay can this be?

Lloyd: Who the Hell are you?

Yggdrassil: I am Yggdrassil, leader of Desians and Cruxis.

Lloyd: …That's just stupid plot twisting.

Yggdrassil: Did you suspect it?

Lloyd: …No I did not.

Yggdrassil: Then everything is going according to plan.

Genis: Woah woah woah. Time out. Let me get this straight. You're an angel right?

Yggdrassil: Yes I am.

Genis: An evil angel.

Yggdrassil: Yes.

Genis: A pretty boy, long haired, evil angel like person with evil angel like powers?

Yggdrassil: YES. Point being?

Genis: Do you have a weapon?

Yggdrassil: I don't need a weapon, but I do have a pretty big and long sword.

Genis: Doesn't this seem a little familiar?

Sepiroth: Hey douchbag! In this day and age, right here, This Guy, I would call COPY RIGHT INFRIGMENT! COPY RIGHT INFRIGMENT!

Yggdrassil: Sepy, go away. You smell.

Sepiroth: No! I won't, you're an ass. I'm much cooler than you.

Yggdrassil: We're no where close to alike really. I have TWO wings, and I'm a pretty blond.

Sepiroth: You think you're evil! Pffft, you make evil look like a little girl riding on a pony. You make evil look like a church. You make Hitler look like a cabbage patch kid-

Yggdrassil: ENOUGH!

Yggdrassil makes Sepiroth explode with his mind and Kratos stomps on the body remnants. Then burns the remnants with a fire attack.

Raine: Oh my god, they killed Sepiroth!

Lloyd: YOU BASTARDS!

Lloyd charges for Yggdrassil. Yggdrassil shoots an energy blast at Lloyd, making him hit a weak pillar, and fell knocked out.

Genis: Lloyd, wake up!

Lloyd: ….Ughhh…. OWWWW! What the Hell?

Yggdrassil: I'm the bad guy, I'm suppose to try to kill you.

Lloyd: I feel like I could easily take you on! What the Hell. I'm just so weak from those last two battles … That's your strategy. You let others weaken us, then finish us off to seem all powerful!

Yggdrassil: I have no clue what you are talking about.

Lloyd: You cheated.

Yggdrassil: No I didn't. I'm about to finish you off, I think you could mature about this and ju-

Lloyd: HEY EVERYBODY! YGGDRASSIL A BIG FAT STINKY DOO DOO CHEATER!

Yggdrassil: You shut your head hole now! This is for the pillar!

Yggdrassil is about to attack Lloyd, but then Botta and the Renegades take the pillar that fell. And Lloyd and his friends.

Random Soldier: We got the pillar that borke off sir!

Botta: Good, everything is going according to plan.

Random Soldier: Should we take Lloyd and his friends with us too.

Botta: I don't really give a damn.

They all vanish.

Yggdrassil: Kratos, after them!

Kratos: No prob, I'll … Oh wait … no, they're gone. Why bother.

Yggdrassil: …Yeah, when they're gone, they're gone. Oh well… Dammit. That Lloyd is a jerk. I pray he get's nut cancer! Oh well, KRATOS, COME!

Yggdrassil vanished all COOL like.

Kratos: … I wish it didn't end this way. I just pray you can forgive me, I'm so sorry. I'm a jerk, and I hope someday you can understand, where ever you are… Goodbye Sepiroth.

Kratos vanished. Then reappeared.

Kratos: OH! And uh… Lloyd … Don't die and …stuff.

Kratos vanishes again.


	21. Funny Return From Martel Temple Part 1

**I Got a Sorcerer's Ring! **

_Sorry for the delay. Anyway, here's when Colette leaves with Kratos at the Martel Temple, leaving innocent Lloyd and Genis to walk back home. What rude people … I mean they were all going the same way. Kratos is irresponsible! A tribute to the Sorcerer's Ring; the best item used as a cute little gimic. Kinda like the GS Ball in Pokemon, only the ring actually does something and isn't forgotten so easily… Oh well, here. This is probably one of my longest, so I made it into two parts:_

Genis and Lloyd step onto the teleportation ring and exit the room. They enter the hall and notice Raine acting weird staring at absolutely nothing.

Genis pokes Raine's shoulder.

Genis: Hey Sis.

Raine looks back and sees her young pupils Lloyd and Genis.

Raine: …What the Hell are you two doing here?

Lloyd: We just cam-

Raine: I told you guys to stay in class and study. Defying me is punishable by DEATH!

Genis and Lloyd almost crap themselves.

Raine: Unfortunately I have no legal authority to abuse the right of the death penalty, so … I'm just gonna hurt you two.

Genis: Wait no! Not in front of my friend!

Raine grabs Genis and spanks him till he cries. Lloyd giggles yet sympathize, then laughs again. Raine then turns to Lloyd with evil red eyes. Lloyd is super scared.

Lloyd: Oh man, I'm super scared … wait, I'm a swordsmen. Why am I afraid of my female teach-

Raine kicks him in the groin.

Lloyd: …Oh … that's why.

He falls. Crying.

Raine: Now, I only did that because I … well, I don't LOVE you guys, but I tolerate you.

Genis: …Ow … we understand, right Lloyd.

Lloyd rises and responds in a high girly voice.

Lloyd: … Yeah professor, I understand … what happened to my mildly manly voice?

Genis: Don't worry Laura, it'll pass.

Lloyd: … You realize when I get the feeling back into my balls, you're gonna feel extreme pain to the Bazillionth millionith power.

Genis: I know.

Raine: Ok, both of you go back. No more school for today.

Genis: Are you coming back with us?

Raine: No. I'm thinking of checking this place out for a while, seeing if I can actually live in here. I'll see you back later.

Lloyd: Bye Professor Nut Kicker.

The two exit the tomb.

Raine: Good bye Genis. Good bye Laura. MUAH MAUH HA!

Lloyd: … Did she say something.

Genis: I dunno. I just saw the words above us and couldn't depict the voice actor's tone.

Lloyd: None voiced cut scenes suck.

Lloyd and Genis finally reach the outside. Lloyd tries to shield his eyes from the sun.

Lloyd: Wow, it's bright. How long have we been in there? A couple of days?

Genis: No, it wasn't that long.

Lloyd: Oh … of course. How silly of me, it's only been a couple of hours.

Genis: Actually, I think we've only been in there for less then half an hour.

Lloyd gets his normal voice back.

Lloyd: …What! That long … that's nothing!

Genis: Well, all we had to do was get Colette somewhere, get a magical ring, fight a lot of Golems… yeah, that seems like it should've taken a lot longer.

Lloyd: I mean, it's cool we got a bitch-ass ring and all, but Half An Hour! That's not even qualified as a REAL dungeon quest. Jeeez, I could've finished a whole episode of Family Guy, with commercials, and proably get the same results.

Genis: Except while sitting on your ass and watching TV, you wouldn't get a cool ring … which we should've put back. Should we do that now?

Lloyd: I'd love to, but we ALREADY left the Temple.

Genis looks behind him.

Genis: … It's RIGHT THERE. We just have to walk back in and come back out. It'd probably only take about five minutes. It'll take less time since we can use the ring to freeze monsters and all.

Lloyd: No way, I'm tired of THAT Goddam temple taking away my precious time. I hope it blows up someday! Let's go!

The both walk down the stair path.

Genis: …Lloyd, I don't wanna get in trouble if Colette's grandmother asks about it. She pretty much goes there everyday.

Lloyd: Don't worry, she's old. I'll think of an excuse. God, I hope she's one of them really, really old people.

Genis: I'm pretty sure she isn't brain damaged … you on the other hand …

They leave the area and walk down the path to the village.

2 B CUNTINOOD...

Genis: … Goddamit Lloyd!

Genis erases cliff hanger note and re writes it.

TO BE CONTIUED…


	22. Funny Return From Martel Temple Part 2

**Who Wants a Sorcerer's Ring?**

_Part two of this epic tale of when key items screw you over! Also proof that almost every dog like animal can be pure evil. Commence! Now:_

Lloyd and Genis continue down the path to Iselia.

Lloyd: You know, with this ring, I feel pretty powerful. No more walking down these dangerous paths to get to school or walk back home. Finally, I HAVE POWER!

A monster appears and wants to fight, it's a wolf.

Lloyd: Like there, If I don't wanna waste my time with this wolf, I'll just aim and … and … and …

Genis: … Umm, maybe we gotta figh-

Lloyd: No, it's gonna work, one second! And …. Fire? … Why isn't it working?

Genis: Uh oh, maybe the Goddess Martel is punishing us for stealing it!

Lloyd: …Gay!

They both run as fast as they can till they reach the entrance to the village. The wolf launches up and jumps onto Lloyd. Biting Lloyd's head.

Lloyd: Oh GodDam! It Hurrrrrrrrts! Ow God! Ahhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhh! ….Why won't this thing work?

Genis: Lloyd, forget about it! Use your swords!

Lloyd: Screw my swords, I have a Bling Ring- Oww! Razor sharp teeth of OwY! Ahhh God! …Help Dammit!

Genis: Super Awesome Very Slow Yet Burning in a Bad Way FIREBALL ATTACK!

His fireballs hit the wolf, making it fall off Lloyd's head and onto the ground, wimpering in pain.

Genis: …Awwww, I hurt the little fella.

Lloyd looks at Genis with his discarded and chewed up face.

Lloyd: … I think I'm missing pupil.

Genis: Look at him, he's in pain. I feel bad.

Lloyd: Seriously… I think I'm blind in my left eye.

Genis: It looks just like Noishe when you feed him Flaming Hot Cheetos.

Lloyd: …Maybe the Sorcerer's Ring can fix my eye.

He aims it at his eye, a fireball pops out and hits it.

Lloyd: Ahhhhhhhhhhhhhhh! It didn't make it better at all!

Genis: Wait, it works now?

Lloyd: Owwwwwww! Yessss!

Genis: Hmm … it is indeed a fascinating device.

Lloyd: I need a doctor.

Genis: Maybe Raine can hel… Aww, the wolf woke back up. Ain't it cute.

The wolf jumps onto Genis and starts attacking it's head.

Genis: Oh God My Head! Ahhhhhh! No, no, not the fangs! Owwww! Lloyd, help!

Lloyd: … …. … … …

Genis: Ahhhhhhhhh! God Damn, the open wounds burn SO MUCH! Help! Help Me Lloyd!

Lloyd: … … … … … I dunno, I'm still pretty upset about the Laura thing.

Genis: Lloyd! Ahhhhhh!

Lloyd: …………… Ok. Sorcerer Ring Go!…Go! …Go! … Oh Come On! This is weak! Genis run!

They both run and the wolf chases them. Lloyd then turns back,

Lloyd: Ok, I think it'll work now! Sorcerer Ring Power Shoot! … Crap I missed.

Genis: At least it works! Shoot again! Hurry!

Lloyd: Ok … Now! … Goddamit, it moved! Ok one more time, Now!

The fire sprouted from the Sorcerer's Ring and hits the monster. Freezing it in it's tracks.

Genis and Lloyd: …Yay! We Win! We're Awesome! You suck!

3… 2 … 1…. The monster got unfrozen.

Genis and Lloyd: … …. ….

Wolf: Grrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrr!

Genis: … I … guess … it's only for a few seconds … we should've ran instead of cheering.

Lloyd: … I don't want this thing anymore.

The wolf springs into action and attacks both Lloyd and Genis; biting and tearing them to pieces.

Genis and Lloyd: Ahhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhh!

A hour has passed. Genis and Lloyd walk to Colette's house, yelling at eachother.

Lloyd: Honestly Genis! What the Hell made you think a wolf wasn't gonna hurt us? Name one movie where a wolf didn't hurt anybody! Balto doesn't count.

Genis: Why not?

Lloyd: Because he's half a wolf, and a cartoon.

Genis: But he's real! They showed a statue and everythin-

Lloyd: Just shut up! We're at Phaidra's house.

They walk in. Colette, Kratos, The Mayor, Frank and Phaidra and shocked.

Colette: Oh My Gosh! Are you guys ok?

Kratos: Be careful Chosen, they could've been killed, came back as zombies and want your brain.

Lloyd: We're not dead … we were beat up by a-

Genis: Ogre! … Yeah, three big Ogres.

Lloyd: ...Yeah, ogre bullies! They had bats and spike ball guantlets and swastikas on their arms and everything!

Genis: It was brutal!

Phaidra: Oh dear. Well, here's for your trouble and for helping Colette earlier.

Collector's Book Received.

Lloyd: …Oh great … a book … here Genis.

Lloyd gives Genis the huge book, Genis falls to the ground.

Lloyd: Excuse us, we're gonna go get a lot of gels and stuff to fix us up. We'll chat with you guys later asking if we can join your stupid quest... Oh, I almost forgot.…

Lloyd puts the Sorcerer's Ring onto the table.

Phaidra: Oh, the Sorcerer's Ring. You can have it Lloyd, the temple doesn't need it anymore.

Lloyd: I don't want it, it doesn't work when I want it to work!

Phaidra: …Oh … I'm sorry to hear that. Didn't you read the instructions on the wall in big bold letters?

Lloyd: … In … instructions?

Phaidra: Yes. This thing only freezes the monsters for a few seconds, making you able to run away. Of course, it usually works only in temples and dungeons and so on, no where outside … like when walking on the world map. Also when a battle has already commenced, it won't work.

Genis and Lloyd: …………

Lloyd picks up the Sorcerer's Ring. Kratos walks up to the two.

Kratos: Hold still. First Aid! First Aid! First Aid! First Aid! First Aid! First Aid! First Aid! First Aid! First Aid! First Aid! First Aid! First Aid! First Aid! First Aid! First Aid! ...There you go, all back together and healthy.

Lloyd: Kratos, we were fine after the first three First Aids. What was with all those other ones?

Kratos: Just for good luck.

Genis: How so?

Kratos: Well, if you boys couldn't figure out something as simple as the Sorcerer's Ring and got your asses kicked by One wolf, you guys need all the luck you could get.

Genis and Lloyd: … Ack.

Lloyd and Genis Both Received the Title of Dumbass.

Genis: Wait! How'd you know about the wolf.

Kratos: Well … the marks, the bites, and the creature itself is right outside the front door. See, you can see right through the window. Him and all his little friends...

Genis and Lloyd look out the window, and there's that damn wolf, with fifteen other wolves and thirteen rapid bunnies.

Colette: Aww, how cute.

Lloyd: …Well, we're not going outside anytime soon.

Genis ponts a finger at Kratos.

Genis: Would it have killed you to take me and Lloyd with you when you left with Colette!

Kratos: According to the number of animals out there, apparently it would've.

Frank: All of you get the Hell out of my house.

FIN


	23. Funny Alternate Toize Valley Mine 1

**There's ExSpehres in That There Mine**

_This next scene is taken place after Lloyd and his crew went to Altessa and they soon realize the only thing they need to make a Key Crest for Presea's special Cruxis Crystal is an Inhibitor Ore which is something you can only find (apparently) in a treasure box in a specific mine on a different region in Tethe'alla. Yup, I hate this mildly interesting quest. So, anyway, they rode the EC and now are at the mine. Before they can get into the mine, they have to destroy a giant door. Enjoy… spoilers?:_

Lloyd and everybody else, except Presea, enter the Toize Valley Mine. They notice the giant ass machine door they have to open.

Lloyd: I don't think it's going to open … should we attack it until it does what we want it to?

Zelos: Yeah, let's do that!

Sheena: Mindless destruction sounds like the right thing to do.

Regal: … What? No. You have any idea how expensive this thing was? No? Like 50 Billion Gald.

Genis: How do YOU know that?

Regal: … I … worked here once … or twice.

Zelos: …RIIIIIIGGGGGGGGGGGGGHHHHHHHHHHHTTTTTTTTT.

Regal: Anyway, I'll just push in the password I learned while working here, hence avoiding a pointless boss battle.

Genis: Technically it wouldn't be a boss battle. Just a forced pointless battle.

Regal: Still, we shouldn't destroy it.

Raine: I agree, plus look at this thing … it's AMAZING! IF ANY OF YOU DESTROY IT, I'D KICK ALL YOUR ASSES!

Lloyd: Sorry Professor.

Colette: I'm sorry too.

Regal: You didn't even talk.

Colette: Oh yeah . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . I'm so-

Sheena uses her ninja like tactics to sneak up on Colette and put her to sleep with Chloroform. Colette passed out.

Zelos: Hey, I was still using that.

Lloyd: Sheena!? How many times have I told you NOT to kill Colette?!

Sheena: Relax, I just made her sleep for a while .. Because I'm NOT going into that mine with her talking all through it. She will NOT shut up!

Zelos: Aww, poor Colette… Hmm, now that she's passed out I-

Sheena grabs Zelos' shoulder, and does that thing where pinch part of his shoulder/neck, make a cracking noise and the person falls asleep. (Look to a Jackie Chan Adventure episode to know what I'm talking about.)

Lloyd: Stop it!

Sheena: Don't worry, we'll just leave these two Chosens near the entrance, and when we get the Ore, we'll pick them up and head back.

Genis: Well … Regal, what do you think?

Regal: Fine, whatever, I don't care. You're all making it hard for me to concentrate to put a code in … damn … damn … Uh oh.

Raine: What's wrong!?

Regal: I tried to put in the password, instead I pressed a button that said "Initiate Defense System".

Lloyd: … Why did you do that!?

Regal: Someone must've did something to damage my… the boss's machine. Also I'm halfway illiterate… it comes and goes.

Lloyd: Oh, that's just great! Now we have to waste our energy kicking this things ass.

Genis: Eh, is it anymore pointless then anything else we've done so far?

Raine: I suppose not. I'd like to think we'd fight something cool like a Gaint robot mech or a magician or a dragon or something . . .can't you just turn the power off?

Regal: What am I, a computer wiz? I don't even know half the things I do sometimes.

Lloyd: Whatever! Sheena, protect Zelos and Colette!

Sheena: Why me?

Lloyd: It's your fault they're incapacitated … plus this way, I don't have to think so much about which three people will fight with me.

Sheena: FINE! … I never get to do anything fun.

Two floating machines pop out ready to fight.

Lloyd: Ok, I've got a woman whose only good for curing, a warlock who sometimes takes forever to cast spells, and a guy who fights with his feet. How could I lose? LET'S GO! Super Powerful Demon Fang!

Raine: First Aid!

Genis: … One second … almost there … oops, wait … let me try again.

Regal: Kicking Attack Number 3!

Lloyd: Delicious Falcon!

Raine: First Aid!

Genis: …Almost … wait, I don't remember what attack I was doing, fire or water? … Oh well, I'll try thunder … just a second.

Regal: Foot Stomp Banzai Attack!

Lloyd: Sword Rain Dewey Decimal!

Raine: … Hit with Stick Attack!

Genis: Aughhhhhhhhhhh … I quit.

Regal: Chuck Norris Drop Kick Omega Attack.

Genis: …Sigh … One more time …. Here we go! Thunderstruck!!!!!!

The defense system then implodes, and the way to them mine is now open.

Regal gets down on his knees and cries.

Regal: So much money . . . Wah.

Genis: I only got to do ONE spell ... not cool...

Lloyd: All right! Now we can go.

Sheena: Goddam that was boring. Let's roll.

Colette: Yeah, let's go save Presea.

Everyone gapsed.

Sheea: Oh … Colette … thank goodness you've woken up in time … after that … monster put you under a sleeping spell.

Colette: ...Yeah, I'm ok now. We ready.

Raine: YES. Let's go already, I'm bored.

Regal: … So much money.

Colette: Hmm?

Regal: Oh … nothing, let's go.

Lloyd: Wait, what about Zelos?

Colette: Oh my goodness, what happened to him? Did he fall under the same spell?

Sheena: YES … As a matter of fact he did. But he's not strong enough to get back up right away… so we'll just go, get the Ore, and come back and … get him, I guess.

Colette: …O… ok…

Lloyd: Ok, let's roll before I change my mind.

And so they wander into the mine . . .

Zelos: ... No ... ladies please, there's plenty of me to go around ... Oh yeah ...

Apparently Zelos is having a good dream. While he's incapacitated, the big meany Vharley came in with two guards. Unfortuneately I can't reveal his name until someone has confirmed his name out loud and the question marks where his name should be dissappear. So Until then, I'll call him Big Mean Scary Guy.

Big Mean Scary Guy: Who broke the giant door!? ... And why is there a red headed chick here?

Zelos: ... Now ladies, there's no need to fight over me with all those clothes ...

Big Mean Scary Guy: ...That's a very low manly voice for someone who is obviously a girl ...

TO BE CONTINUED ... (maybe, if I get around to it)


	24. Funny Drug Special Staring the TOS Cast

**Don't Do Gels**

_Yeah, I was gonna continue with the Mine adventure, but I thought "No." So, here's this TOS Special about Not or Not Not Doing Drugs. Because almost everything has at least one special about drugs. Enjoy:_

Lloyd, Zelos, Sheena, Colette, Raine and Regal come on a stage. Genis is seen pulling up the curtain. Lloyd introduces the act.

Lloyd: Hi, I'm Lloyd Irving of the Tales of Symphonia Actor's Guild. As it is Red Ribbon Week, in … some school or two, we're doing a special on drugs. Just like on Different Strokes ... and Saved By The Bell ... and, well ... just about every sitcom that didn't suck or wasn't on Nickelodeon.

Regal: That's right Lloyd. We all like to have a laugh every once in a while, tell a few tales of humor.

Zelos: But sometimes you just gotta pretend you give a rat's ass, and say drugs are bad. Which they are not, they're great. I love them with ever-

Sheena smacks Zelos.

Zelos: I was joking, GAWD!

Sheena: Shut that hole in your face you call your mouth and pretend that you give a rat's ass about drug use in Tethe'alla!

Zelos: …Fine... meanie.

Colette: I hope you enjoy our skit, I call it "The Happy Funtime Drugs Are Bad Play Staring Lloyd and Crew!"

Lloyd: There's not one part of that title I didn't like.

Regal: Since we can't actually use drugs in this skit, we'll be improvising by using these Black Gels. Al right, GO!

The five run behind the curtain.

Lloyd: NOW GENIS!

Genis pulls the rope and lets the curtain rise. The set appears like the hallway in any high school. Lockers and all. Lloyd goes running through the hall with books in hand. Zelos is leaning on a locker, with messy hair, a cigarette in mouth, and a blue jacket with the sleeves rolled up. He stops Lloyd from running, acting like the fiendish bully.

Zelos: Hey there boy, whatcha doin?

Lloyd: I'm … I'm sorry, I'm just heading to class.

Zelos: Why?

Lloyd: Because the 24th minute bell rang, one more ring then I'll be tardy … then It'll go on my record, then I won't go to a highly acclaim college like Meltokio State or Palmacosta University.

Zelos: Woah woah, you worry way too much. You look like you need the stress relieved fast. I got just what you need.

Zelos takes a gel from his pocket.

Lloyd: Gasp and Awl. Black Gel!? But that's illegal.

Zelos: It's not illegal, not if you get caught anyway.

Sheena walks in with a badass biker jacket high black boots.

Sheena: That's right, only nerds get caught and only losers don't use Black Gels. And you're way too cute not to be a loser nerd.

Lloyd: Ummm...

Regal walks in with a black suit, a tie, and a pair of glasses with a book.

Regal: Peer Pressure. The foulest of All Pressures.

He walks off the stage, made his point.

Lloyd: I dunno. I don't DO drugs.

Zelos: It's not a DRUG, it's a herbal supplement.

Lloyd: That's the oldest excuse ever.

Sheena: Fine, it's a drug. It's still awesome.

Zelos: Yup, you just eat it, or put it on the skin, or whatever you actually DO with gels, and watch the colors baby. Here's one for free.

Hands Lloyd Gel.

Sheena: Go on, try it. It'll make you see rainbows and such. Just ONE bite, and you'll want more.

Lloyd looks at it, and is about to eat it. Until Colette walks in.

Colette: STOP! You are all in a hallway violation! Go to your classes.

Zelos: Not now Nerdy McNerd Nerd Girl. We're teaching red clothes here how to have fun.

Colette: …OH MY A GAWD! Lloyd, what are you doing!?

Lloyd: I didn't do anything yet.

Sheena: Yeah, YET.

Colette: Lloyd, ONLY LOSERS are USERS!

Regal Reappears.

Regal: Only Users are Losers is cliché, yet straight to the point.

Leaves.

Zelos: Could that be anymore After School Special you effing spaz.

Colette: Lloyd, Crack is Whack.

Sheena: … What are you talking about, it's not crack at all.

Regal comes back again.

Regal: When telling someone that drugs are bad, make sure you know what you're talking about.

Regal just stands there. Genis whispers.

Genis: Regal, get off the stage.

Regal: No, I'll wait till I can speak again. I didn't master theater at Cal State Sybak just so I can come on and off the stage like an idiot.

Lloyd: ANYWAY! I'm thinking maybe drugs are ok . . . I mean, maybe STUDYING isn't important kinda in a no way sorta no how.

Genis: Why'd he get the lead role, I should be the nerd guy … Oh well.

Colette: Drugs Suck… Umm … Ok …. I can't think of any other catchy things that rhyme that'll tell you not to do drugs. I'm just gonna give up now.

Lloyd: … I'm confused.

Sheena: Do it and I'll touch your shoulder.

Lloyd: Done and done!

Lloyd swallows it whole.

Zelos: Nice Sheena.

Sheena: Works everytime.

Colette: Oh Lloyd.

Regal: Friendship, family and love are no match against drugs when a hot chick tells you too. Because men are stupid and no so little about teasing and … SIGH. This script Raine wrote sucks. Oh well. Once the gel is consumed, a strange sense of Nirvana comes onto the boy. Making up look like down, right look like left, polar bears look like panda bears, and Fellowship of the Ring look like an hour and a half long movie. Just look at the … wait, what?

Lloyd: … … …

Zelos: … … … Lloyd … don't you feel … different. Anything?

Lloyd: No.

Sheena: Really?

Lloyd: Not at all.

Colette: Don't you feel your brain cells depleting with every second your breathing?

Lloyd: I feel a little odd, and I feel kinda sick if that's what you …

Lloyd throws up.

Lloyd: Yuck, that was gross.

Zelos: Well, not EVERYTHING goes into affect right away. Have another.

Lloyd: No thanks. I'm good.

Colette: Lloyd, don't you know anything. It takes Just One Bite to make you hopelessly addicted.

Lloyd: But I'm not hopelessly addicted. It was disgusting, tasted like black licorice. I never wanna do it again.

Sheena: …Hmm.

Colette: … Well … this surely makes everything I ever learned from the media come into question.

Zelos: Yeah, this is unpleasant.

Regal: And so children, the moral is; the media tries to convince you that one bite or EVEN just TOUCHING the stuff will make you into a hopelessly addicted Gel Addict. But the facts are that's not only the case. Black Gels won't automatically turn you into a bum or a terrorist. Black Gels is just a Gel that makes you happy doing absolutely nothing-

Zelos: But I take them everyday.

Regal: And SOMETIMES you automatically turn into a retard. During the time of blissfulness, you could be doing a sport, or building a model of the Grand Tethe'alla Bridge, or collect Limited Edition Tales of Symphonia Trading Cards (Collect All One and a Half). The point is, don't be a nerd, but also don't do drugs.

Genis: Sis, come on out, it's time for your part.

Raine walks in.

Raine: Hey kids! Get to class now before I smack your faces into these lockers.

Colette Runs.

Raine: As for you Mr. Wilder, the Principal would like to know why you have Black Gel in your hand.

Zelos: What are you talking about, I don … Aww crap, I'm slow.

Raine grabs Zelos by his ear and drags him off stage. Sheena and Lloyd are the only ones left, Regal then leaves the stage.

Sheena: Pffft, later loser.

Lloyd: Wait a minute, I ate it … so touch me!

Sheena: ….Lloyd, that's not in the script, I'm suppose to-

Lloyd: Come on woman, touch me now or I'll eat your pinkey off-

Raine hits Lloyd's head with a water fountain and drags Lloyd by his ear off the stage. Sheena runs off stage as well. The curtain falls, then rises again. Sheena, Zelos, Regal, Colette and Raine bow. Lloyd's knocked out on the stage.

Raine: Remember kids, drugs are bad, but so are cliché add lines and commercials that are just plain over exaggerated.

Sheena: Thank you all and good night … Pull Down the curtain Genis!

Genis does so, and the scene is over. Just then, Presea jumps from the audience onto the stage.

Presea: Wait! Wait! Wait! This was suppose to be the part where I sing my song about the percentage of people in the world who're addicted and live on the streets cleaning trach cans for pesos! Ready! Ahem … Sixty Seven Percent, Can't afford their rent, because of a gel, that sends you to Hell, watch out for the signs, of the-

FIN

Presea: . . . Commence Sadness Mode.


	25. Funny Halloween Special

**A Tales of Symphonia Halloween Special**

_Well, tis the season. For peace on Earth and the devil and all … anyway, enjoy. There's not a lot of spoilerz, considering I made all this up:_

It's Halloween Night. Lloyd, Presea, Genis and Colette are in a living room prepping their costumes. Lloyd's wearing a black shirt, with vampire fangs and fake blood drips on his side. Genis is dressed as a Black Kat. Presea looks, if possible, more gothic than usual, with an all black attire with white make up. And Colette looks like a pirate, with the big hat, the wooden leg, and a plastic hook.

Lloyd: I hope I don't scare people TOO MUCH now.

Genis: Don't worry, no one will even flinch.

Colette: How do I look Presea?

Presea: You look very much like a pirate, Colette. And by that, I mean you'll look like the hundreds of other kids who I know will be dressed up like Pirates.

Lloyd: Damn, I shoulda worn MY pirate outfit.

Genis: At least you got it BEFORE Pirates of the Caribbean Fever. Honestly, I bet you that's all I'll see tonight.

Colette: Oh come on guys, pirates are SO cute! I just wanna give them a big hug!

Presea: You realize of course those movies are just false illusions of pirates. The facts are pirates are filthy, slimy, sleezy men who kill and rape innocent people for riches and such. Plus, they travel from port to port for days and days and never see a woman for days. So, chances are they're gay.

Colette: Still, they're cute!

Lloyd: Enough guys, let's go trick or treating al ready!

Colette: We have to wait for everybody else!

Lloyd: I know, I know …

Genis: Is Kratos gonna come with us?

Lloyd: Nah, he and his friends are going to an all adult Halloween Party … which is probably boring.

A community center near by has the Halloween Party Lloyd speaks of. There we see Kratos, Yuan and Yggdrasil there near a punch bowl acting nonchalantly. Kratos is wearing a high dye shirt with a giant bloosy hole in it, also a hat with dread locks. Yuan looks like a cop, with very short shorts. And Yggy has his hair in an afro, and he's holding a guitar.

Yggdrasil: Yuan, what the Hell?

Yuan: I swear, these looked like pants when I saw the costume in the catalog. I guess I got jigged. Oh well … Kratos, what're you suppose to be?

Kratos: A dead hippy.

Yuan: …Should I ask why?

Kratos: I'd prefer if you didn't. Yggy, what're you?

Yggdrasil: Jimi Hendrix.

Yuan and Kratos: …

Yggdrasil: … What?

Kratos: Jimi Hendrix was black.

Yggdrasil: Shut up, racist.

Yuan: It's not racist, we're just pointing out how dumb you are.

Yggdrasil: To me that is racist; racist against my perfection.

Back at the house, Lloyd is knocking on a door leading to another room.

Lloyd: Zelos, are you done with your costume yet.

Zelos: One second, it'll be awesome!

Lloyd: Fine!

Sheena walks in with blue face paint all over her body, and wearing some kind of dress get up.

Sheena: Hey guys.

Presea: Excellent Blue Man Group look, Sheena.

Sheena: No! I'm Undine!

Genis: … I don't see it.

Sheena: She' blue! Now I'm blue!

Colette: So was Celsius.

Sheena: Look, I'm Undine Ok. Arrggghhh! Come Undine.

She Summons the Real Undine, Summon Spirit of Water.

Undine: What is it Sheena?

Sheena: Like my costume?

Undine: …Is that suppose to be me?

Sheena: Yeah.

Undine: Well, I've seen worse.

Zelos walks out the door completely naked.

Everyone: …

Zelos: Hey guys, like my look?

Sheena: … Zelos … what the hell?

Undine: Woah, Helooooooo.

Zelos: I'm going as Geoffrey Chaucer!

Presea: … The author of Canterbury Tales?

Zelos: Yeah! I saw that movie Knigt's Tale yesterday, and I'm like WOW, I'm goin as that naked guy!

Sheena: Zelos, I'm not walking near you.

Lloyd and Colette: Me neither.

Genis and Presea: Me neither.

Undine: I'll go.

Sheena: Go away now!

Undine vanishes.

Zelos: You guys are such squares. I bet you I get the most candy out of all you!

Genis: I dunno.

Zelos: Come on Genis, don't be such a … a …. Heh, PUSSY. Hahahahahahahahahaha!

Presea: Cat/Sexual Part joke understood.

Genis: You're on Birthday Suit boy!

Lloyd: Ok, is that all of us?

Genis: Yeah, Regal and Raine were going to that adult party as well.

At the party, Raine and Regal walk in together, Raine dressed like Marge Simpson. Regal … looks like he always does.

Raine: Honestly, would've have killed you to look a little different.

Regal: I AM dressed for the occasion, can't you tell?

Raine: … No. What's different?

Regal: My hand cuffs are painted a LIGHTER shade of gray.

Raine: …WOW. Yeah, I see it now … idiot.

Back at the house.

Sheena: Seriously, put on some clothes. In the movie Chaucer eventually got some clothes.

Zelos: Yeah, I wasn't paying much attention to that.

Lloyd: You'll do anything to walk around naked.

Zelos: Well, tis the season to be nude.

Genis: I'm too disgusted to question that.

Colette: Let's go get candy already!

Lloyd: Yeah, let's roll!

Lloyd, Presea, Colette and Genis walk outside.

Sheena: Zelos, how come you didn't go to the adult party?

Zelos: I figured there wouldn't be enough women dressing up like whores. The streets are FILLED with whorish women giving away their SPECIAL TREATS! God I love this day.

Sheena: … You're the whore.

Zelos: I mean look at you, you're blue yet barely wearing anything at all. You woman like dressing up all tramp-like during Halloween, so It's not my fault for getting ideas.

Sheena: Shut up, you almost dress like this everyday.

Zelos: Only because I'm extremely pretty.

Lloyd: Hey, what's the hold up!?!?!

Sheena: We're coming, we're coming! –Look Chosen! If I don't get my candy, I'll summon Gnome to shove his shovel up your ass!

Zelos: Ouchies.

They walk out and meet the rest of them outside. The crew stare at all the trick or treaties running around.

Zelos: … Wow, look at all the pirates.

Colatte: …Aww.

Presea: Let's commence candy gathering.

Lloyd: YEAH!

Genis: Remember not to eat it all once it's gathered Lloyd, or you'll get hyper.

Llloyd: I know MOM, I'll be fine.

Genis: Whatever.

Hours pass, the crew return to the house. Zelos has a bigger pile of candy then Genis, Genis is ever so sad. Colette and Presea share their candy. Sheena doesn't have too much, Lloyd has A LOT and is eating it furiously.

Sheena: Lloyd, buddy, may I have some of your share?

Lloyd: No.

Sheena: But, you're not eating any of the coconut candies. I like coconut. I take them off your hands.

Lloyd: No! DEMON FANG!

He attacks the coconut candies.

Lloyd: If I can't have them, NO ONE WILL!

Colette: Lloyd, why won't your SHARE with Sheena? Will you share with me?

Genis: Yeah Lloyd be fair!

Lloyd: FAIR!?!? I worked hard for this candy, I worked my ass off! You guys did jack squat! You guys wanted to give up after the 60th house but I said NO and you guys said WE'RE TIRED and I said GO TO HELL! 40 houses later I got ALL this, and you want me TO SHARE?! How is sharing going to help me eat enough candy to revive the tooth fairy to grant me fifty billion wishes to get more candy so I can get more wishes and get more candy and soda and popcorn and travel to the mystical land of-

Zelos: Lloyd! That's it, I think you had enough!

Lloyd: You don't tell ME if I had enough Naked Evil Red Head Chosen Douche Bag!

Presea: I think somebody needs a nap.

Lloyd: I'm NOT tired! You'll have to fight me for the royal candy!

Zelos: Fine! Let's fight!

Lloyd: No! Not you … you're naked!

Zelos get's behind Lloyd and headlocks him. Lloyd counter attacks with a punch in the gut,

Sheena: Hey, nobody beats up a naked Zelos but me!

Sheena jumps on Lloyd and all three start fighting.

Colette: Guys stop it!

Genis: Haha! Lloyd's getting beat up by a girl! And Sheena!

Presea: Heh, funny.

Colette: You two aren't helping!

Colette lightly hit's Presea on the arm, Presea goes wild and attacks Colette. Genis, for fun, jumps in on their fight. Eventually the two fight's collide. Fists punching everywhere, candy flying, it's a real mash. Raine, Regal and Kratos walk in on the fight. Everyone stops.

Kratos: … I'm willing to ignore the fact that you're all fighting with a naked Zelos. If, and only if I have some of this candy on the ground.

Lloyd: HOW DARE YOU! NO TOUCHIE MY MERCHANDISE!!!!

Raine: Lloyd, are you ok?

Lloyd: DON'T TOUCH MY BABIES!!!!!!!

Lloyd jumps at the adults, they of course defend themselves … and the fight is back on.

An hour has passed, everyone is sitting around enjoying a candy bar.

Genis: All in all this is MUCH better that last Halloween.

Regal: I thought we'd never discuss last Halloween ever again.

Presea: He's just saying, this was a fun day.

Colette: Yup, nobody was hurt ... except for all those pirates outside who got caught in the cross fire once Kratos and I started doing Judgement attacks and Genis and Zelos were doing Eruption attacks.

Genis: Oh boo hoo, they'll get over it.

Raine: And Lloyd learned the meaning of sharing.

Kratos: Well, a couple of bashes to the head'll do that.

Lloyd: ...That's right Kratos. It was fun. Merry Halloween to all, and to all, a Mr. Goodbar.

Zelos: I can vouch for that.

Sheena: Please put on some clothes.

End.

Happy Halloween!


	26. Funny Alternate Toize Valley Mine 2

**Sorcerer's Ring of Mass Destruction**

_I said I'd continue, so I'm doin so. Last time we left off, President McClington's Tax Exempt Status Bill proposed by MagiTechnological Scientologist Jason Shamalongson, was veto'd by the King of Tethe'alla. As a response, the King simply said, "I'm dying … why should I care about YOUR problems." That was a good day. OH, also Lloyd, Regal and crew went looking for something for Presea, they defeated the Menacing Door and left Zelos for dead. Jerks! Anyway, we continue . . . SPOLIERZ BITCH:_

Lloyd and the gang come across their greatest enemy. A giant rock.

Lloyd: Damn, how're we suppose to defeat this boulder?

Colette: I know, maybe we should look around and find one of those conveniently located machines used to make the Sorcerer Ring's ability different.

Lloyd: Lloyd oh yeah. Let's take a look see.

They go down and find that machine, they activate it. The Sorcerer's Ring function has changed.

Lloyd: What's it do now?

Regal: Even though this explanation makes no sense and screws up the origin of the item, the ring was used to with construction of the mine.

Lloyd: …That does sound wrong.

Genis: How would you know this? The Sorcerer's Ring was in Sylverant, it was probably there for decades, maybe even thousands of years. And your like 30 something and this mine doesn't look like it's thousands of years old. When did anybody ever have he opportunity to use this ring, which they never had access to? How I tell you, ho-

Regal: Look, I don't know! The point is, you use it, bombs come out!

Raine: … Bombs? Like … little balls of mana that explode?

Regal: No, while it's made of mana, it looks pretty much like an old black round bomb.

Sheena: Boy, originality definitely isn't a factor here is it.

Lloyd: Let's just try it.

Lloyd activates the ring, a little black bomb appears. Everyone panics.

Raine: Oh God! We gotta get away from it!

They all go up the evevator thing and watch it go boom… a very small boom.

Colette: … THAT'S suppose to blow up the boulder?

Regal: We'll find out once we get there, now will we?

They reach the boulder again, Lloyd let's Genis hold the Sorcerer's Ring. Genius activates it.

Lloyd: GENIS! YOU DID IT, NOW COME BACK TO US!

Genis: I just wanna try something … this'll be funny. PRAISE ALLA-

The boulder blows up, along with Genis.

Lloyd: Oh my God! Genis is dead!!!

Raine: NO! How will I receive child suppost payments now?!?!?

Regal: Professor-

Raine: Now I have to get another job …

Colette: … Genis is not dead. He's right there.

Raine lloks at Genis, who looks pissy.

Genis: I'm not dead, it just really really really hurt.

Raine: … OH THANK GOD… I was worried about you.

Genis: Sure you were.

Lloyd: Al right, we won the battle against the boulder. Now we go forth!

They do so and go forth, They go pass the little Gnomelette, because they don't care about him. They unfortunately meet the … moving block thing.

Lloyd: WOAH! A giant domino with no dots on it! It must be the work of Cruxis trying to take us down!

Raine: Oh my. No, it's not a domino, it's … it's…

Regal: A NabooKanseekee!

Raine: Yes of course, named after the guy with the same name!

Regal: Correct, I've heard that he was so obsessed with the hit clay mation series, Gumby, that he decided to become a Block Head … unfortunately that wish came with dire consequences.

Lloyd: Huh?

Raine: Lloyd, stop looking stupid and run away from it. It hurts.

Lloyd: I'm fin-

The block attack's Lloyd.

Lloyd: OW. Bitch Slap Fang Attack!

Lloyd pushes the thing off the cliff.

Raine: Lloyd! I coulda studied that thingy!

Sheena: … Hmm, there seems to be an item down there.

Lloyd: Yeah, you're right. Regal, go get it.

Regal: How do I go dow-

Lloyd pushed Regal down the cliff.

Regal: My bones feel like broken unsharpened pencils.

Genis: What's down there Regal?

Regal: It looks like a pair of Chakram's … very weak ones.

Colette: Yay! Bring them up!

Regal: Al right … but I swear, this better not be for some dumb side quest… how do I get up?!

Lloyd: …Hmm, how? If only someone could fl-

Lloyd looked at Colette, then to Regal, then back to Colette, then back to Regal. He did this about five more times. Finally, a light bulb appeared above his head, he had an idea.

Lloyd: I GOT IT! Colette!

Colette: Yes Lloyd?

Lloyd pushes Colette down the cliff.

Lloyd: You throw Regal up with your "coming and going" amazing strength and I'll catch him. Then, you can just fly up.

Raine: How about Colette carry Regal with her as she flies up?

Lloyd: I'm the leader; I say the not too smart plan goes first!

Raine uses the Sorcerer's Ring on Lloyd and makes him blow. Lloyd is knocked out. Colette grabs Regal in Angel mode and flies to the others. Lloyd eventually comes back up and they move forward.

Zelos is seen walking through the cave, he eventually comes to the Gnomelette. The Gnomelette speaks.

Gnomelette: Hey, wanna fight!?

Zelos: Excsue me little annoying boy, have you seen a boy in red along with a bunch of other idiots?

Gnomelette: Maybe I do, and maybe I do … NOT!

Zelos: … I … I don't get it. You want something?

Gnomelette: Yeah, you got any potion? I heard it tastes pretty good.

Zelos: I do, but trust me, it tastes like Cough Drops blended with a pile of dog turds. You don't want any.

Gnomelette: …Well, I want something adults drink.

Zelos: Oh, you mean beer. Here, have a Cud Light. Now with Lemon Lime Children Flavor

Gnomelette drinks beer, gets intoxicated and talks.

Gnomelette: Those Duche bags went THAT way, they didn't say HI or HOWS IT GOING! Or ANYTHING! Jerks!

Zelos: Thank you sir, now … go away.

Gnomelette: I likes you, I REEEEAAAALLLLLLY likes you.

Zelos: Kick Power!

Zelos kicks the Gnomelette out of his sights. Zelos super fast runs to where the others are.

Vharley yells as Zelos runs away.

Vharley: CAN I AT LEAST GET THOSE DIGETS BABY!? A phone number!? An email address! I have AIM, look under XVhar001, only the X and V are caps!

Guard: Sir, I'm pretty sure that's not a girl.

Vharley: How are you sure.

Guard: Because that is Zelos Wilder, Chosen of Tethe'alla… you should know that, everybody does.

Vharley: …That was him? Ah damn! …I'm not gay.

Guard: I never said you were sir.

Vharley: I'm so mad … I'm going to wait near the front entrance for him … so when he leaves, he HAS to see me, then I can show him I'm not gay.

Guard: You have to stop caring about how people think about you sir.

Vharley: Just shut it!

They leave. Zelos catches up with them.

Sheena: … Oh … hi, you're back up … a monster came and-

Zelos: Save it. I just don't care.

Lloyd: Well, we're here.

Regal: The only way to find Inhibitor Ore is to randomly blow up these boxes until we find it.

Raine: We don't have to DIG? It's a mine … I figured we had to dig for stuff?

Regal: Sorry, but no.

Colette: Awwwww...

Genis: Oh well, let's get started, praise Allah!

Box explodes.

Genis: Priase Allah!

Box Explodes.

Genis: Pra-

Lloyd: If yo usay it one more time, soon you'll MEET ALLAH.

Raine: Genis, do you even know what you're saying?

Genis: … No … I just wanted to be cool, GAWD.

Regal: There's only one box left, that's gotta be it.

Lloyd: I'll do it. Exploding Power Activate!

Box Explodes. Inhibitor Ore is Found.

Lloyd: Yay, we got it! SO EASILY! Now we just have to make a Key Crest, which I'll do right now. THEN we can leave. How simple.

WHAT!? … No, I don't think so. Folks, I'll make this a tad bit more interesting. Erase this part and … here we go:

Lloyd: I blew up the box and received the Inhibitor Ore, now we ca… WOAH, what's the rumbling sound!?

Sheena: Oh no, it can only be one thing!

Genis: GULP, Boss Battle.

Zelos: Awww man, first the fat gay guy and the little mouthy kid and now this.

Hahaha, didn't see that coming did you!? What'll happen? Find out soon … Cliffhangers, Gotta Love 'Em All.

TO BE CONTINUED ... (Because I know I'm gonna end this and "Continued" can be tiresome to say over and over)


	27. Funny Alternate Toize Valley Mine 3

**Chronicles of Symphonia: The Ore, the Dwarf, and the Fatass Vharley**

_When we last left off, Lloyd and the crew finally obtained the Inhibitor Ore. And since I was bored and thought they found it a little TOO easily, I decided, hey … why not a pointless boss battle? So, here we are. Go forth and Prosper with Spoilers:_

The ground shakes, the earth quakes, etc. The gang however remains ever so calm during this panic.

Zelos: CRAP! WE'RE GONNA DIE!

Sheena: I can't help but feel this is somehow your fault Chosen!

Zelos: Hey! Lloyd's the one who grabbed the Ore!

Lloyd: What … Genis blew up the boxes and praised some God he doesn't know of.

Genis: Well … It's Regal's fault!

Regal: Why is it my fault?

Genis: It just is!

Colette: Guys, yelling isn't going to solve anything! We gotta get out of here!

Raine: Colette's right! We gotta leave.

Lloyd: But I didn't make a key crest yet.

Zelos: Oh Heaven Forbid we go outside and you do it OUTSIDE. Come on!

Raine: It's too late.

The ground cracks in half, and a super, awesome, powerful, amazing, animeishly ridiculously big ass robot appears.

Raine: This is Ridiculous! Why is there a giant robot in an ExSphere Mine!?

Regal: I believe it was used to warn off intruders, in case anybody got through the giant ass door.

Zelos: Gee, THANK YOU SO MUCH for telling us ahead of time!

Sheena: What should we do now, should we fight it?

Regal: I'd rather not; I'm already pretty much flat broke as it is because of that door you-

Zelos: What was that now?

Regal: Uh … nothing. .

Lloyd: Alright! Demon -Throw Genis- Fang Attack!

Genis: Wha-

Lloyd grabs Genis and throws him at the robot … the robot falls and collapses into itty bitty pieces. Genis is fine.

Genis: What the Hell man! You're suppose to be my best friend! You don't throw your best friends at giant robots!

Lloyd: Well, apparently our views of what friends do with eachother are CLEARLY different.

Raine: There's no time for that, look, something's coming out of the robot pile!

Metal chunks are flying about and a dwarf appears.

Zelos: Oh My God! A hairy child!

Sheena: It's not a hairy-

Colette: Can we keep him?

Raine: It's a dwarf.

Lloyd: No way! The only dwarfs I know are my Dad and Altessa. I just assumed there were only two Dwarfs left in both worlds period.

Genis: I have always wondered about that.

Dwarf: Get out of my cave!

Regal: You're cave! This cave doesn't belong to you!

Dwarf: Yes it does! I bought it off some fat guy not too long ago!

Genis: A fat guy?

Regal: …Vh … what guy?

Dwarf: I dunno … some guy … with a mo hawk … he kinda looked like an adult version of that fat kid from Megamna Nt Warrior.

Genis: Oh yeah, I loved that show.

Lloyd: Ehh, for me, it was YuGiOh or nothing.

Genis: And that's why I'm your only frined.

Lloyd: Smack on Head Strike!

Genis: OWW!

Raine: Shut up you two!

Regal: It must've been …

Lloyd: Look, we only came here for this Inhibitor Ore, if you just give me one pan over flash forward, I'll make it into a key crest.

Dwarf: YOU!? But you're human.

Lloyd: Yeah, but I was raised by a dwarf.

Dwarf: …There's … more dwarves!?

Lloyd: Look, just shut up and give me a second.

FLASH FORWARD!

Lloyd: I did it! Now we can save Presea, or whatever our plot was.

Dwarf: That was fast.

Regal: Since you lived here, can you show us a way out?

Dwarf: Sure, just go through that door over there.

They see a door with the same color as the defense door. They caution, yet go through it anyway. They wind up near the elevator near the Sorcerer's Ring Changing Machine.

Lloyd: Oh, so THAT'S where that door we can't ever open leads to.

Regal: Oh yeah, I thought we just used it to hide Christmas Decorations.

Dwarf: Actually, it's still used for that too.

A big Santa Claus ornament pops out of the door.

Genis: Oh boy, it's Santa!

Santa: Enemies Detected! Commence Fire!

Its hands move and fire balls pop out. The gang runs from it.

Regal: When I said Christmas Decorations, I meant Christmas Decorated Defense Droids.

Lloyd: This place sucks, if we're not doing nothing, then we're almost dying!

Regal: Let's just get out of here before Rudolph's Heat Seeking Red Nose Missile shows us a thing or two!

They all run for the entrance. There they see Vharley.

Zelos: Oh no, the fat gay guy!

Vharley: I'm not gay!

Regal: Vharley!

Dwarf: Fat Guy! Tell these jerks that this place belongs to me!

Vharley: Oh, Seymour. This place doesn't really belong to you. I just told you that you owned it because you've been bothering me.

Dwarf: What?!

Regal: How Rude!

Zelos: Seymour!?

Vharley: I mean honestly, you don't leave me alone, and you were homeless … so, I figured if I gave you a fake deed to the mine, and you thought you'd live here, you'd stop bothering me.

Dwarf: This deed!?

Raine looks at the deed.

Raine: He's right, this deed is not valid, and it's not even a deed. It's a giant coupon for Borders Book Store,

Dwarf: … You bastard! You know I'm illiterate.

Lloyd: How evil!

Vharley: Duh!

Regal: Could you all shut up, I wanna know why Vharley is here! The Pope said you'd be in jail!

Vharley: Yeah, IF you kill Colette. Which you didn't. So, sucks to be you.

Regal: I should kill you as you stand!

Vharley: Why not, you've done it before.

Everyone: …

Vharley: Well, I just came to see how things are here, nothing out of the ordinary. Door blown up, annoying dwarf, children with murderer, everything's fine. Let's go henchman.

Guard: Sir, the name is Hanch Man. I know it's convenient and ironic, me being a henchman and all, but you could show me some respect.

Vharley: Whatever. Let's go… AND I'm not gay!

They run out the cave.

Dwarf: That's not what I heard.

Everyone turns to Regal.

Lloyd: He called you a murderer.

Regal: Yes, I went to jail for the crime of murder. Sorry … I probably shoulda mentioned it earlier.

Lloyd: Technically we're all murderers, we kill monsters and Desians and rabbits all the time.

Raine: Yeah, what makes YOU so special?

Regal: I killed someone I loved.

Sheena: … Oh. Well that's depressing.

Lloyd: Oh well, that was a long time ago, and you won't kill US right?

Regal: Of course not.

Lloyd: Then I won't throw you out of the group. You being with us balances the number of guys and girls, once we get Presea back.

Regal: Thank you.

Genis: Yeah … I still don't want you near me though.

Raine: Yeah, it's best if we sleep with our weapons at hand.

Regal: … Sigh.

Lloyd: Al right! We got the Key Crest, now we can save Presea.

Dwarf: Great, now go away.

Regal: You technically aren't legally suppose to be here.

Dwarf: I don't care, I'm a dwarf, I need a cave to live in!

Raine: Can I have that DEED of yours. I could always use more books.

Dwarf: Fine, JUST GO!

They leave.

Lloyd: What a jerk.

Zelos: Look on the bright side, unless we wanna see a pointless cutscene, we rarely ever have to come here ever, so, we'll never have to see him again.

Lloyd: Thanks Zelos, that did cheer me up. Now, off to Ozzete!

Regal: So much money … maybe I will kill these guys-

Genis: What was that?

Regal: Nothing.

END


	28. Funny Zelos and Neil Conflict

**Palmacostan Idull**

_Sorry for the delay my fellow Americans and non Americans. I've been busy and had some writers block, which is weird because this takes no writing abilities. Oh well, I didn't wanna half ass anything and turn it in as my work, so, my delay is for you … so, come to think of it, I'm not sorry. So there. The team just came back to Sylverant through the Otherworldy Gate with Mithos and arrived at Palmacosta to talk to Neil and get some info on what's been going on while they were away. So there too. Fabulous Spoliers:_

Lloyd: Aww crap.

Colette: What's wrong Lloyd.

Lloyd: We're passing by Marble's shop. This is going to be awkward.

Presea: What are you talking about.

Raine: This one time Lloyd killed an old woman who was turned into a monster, her daughter and granddaughter owned this store. The grand daughter found out. Pissed off at Lloyd, she allowed herself to be taken prisoner by the Desians. We havn't gotten her back yet. We know where she is, we just havn't gotten around to picking her up yet. The mother is still here waiting for her return.

Genis: Maybe it's best if we just walk really fast past the store, and she won't notice us.

The group quickly walks by. The door opens and Cocoa notices them.

Cocoa: Oh, Chosen's group! How are you?

Lloyd: Oh crap!!!!

Sheena: Quickly, Zelos, Distraction Tactic!

Zelos: Way ahead of you, you run along I'll catch up.

Zelos goes to Cocoa, the group continues on.

Mithos: What is Zelos going to do?

Genis: Don't worry, he won't hurt her.

Zelos grabs Coca's hands and acts all sexy.

Zelos: Hello lovely chocolate related named lady of Palmacosta.

Cocoa: Oh my, you're very flattering. And almost as pretty as Neil.

Received Lemon Slice.

Zelos: Ok, now to return …. Wait!? Who's Neil?

Cocoa: Oh, he's the acting Governor General, he's a pretty boy and all the ladies love him.

Zelos was on fire with anger.

Zelos: Someone is prettier than ME!?!?!?!?!?

Zelos at super sonic speed catches up with the group.

Regal: Zelos, are you ok? You seem to be pissed off and on fire.

Zelos: Where's Neil?

Lloyd: How do you know Neil?

Zelos Take me to him!

Genis: …This is gonna be bad.

They enter the building where Neil resides.

Neil: Lloyd, Chosen and friends. I'm glad you're here. After contacting your father Dirk by MySpace, I got him to help out all the people with the ExSpheres. He's one of my top eight now.

Lloyd: That's great.

Genis: I'm never anyone's top eight.

Neil: Also, I wanted to ask you if you are going to-

Zelos: So, you're Mister Pretty Boy "Thinks He's Better Than Zelos" Jackass Governor General Duchebag Neil!

Neil: Hello miss, and you might be.

Zelos: I might be a chick! But as far as anyone else knows as a fact, I am the Great Super Sexy Zelos! Chosen of Tethe-

Sheena gags Zelos' mouth with some of her cards.

Neil: …Cho … Chosen?

Zelos: Oh … I mean … Chosen to be the Sexiest Being Alive! And you are now my sworn enemy!

Lloyd: Zelos, what are you talking about.

Zelos: Lloyd, how can I flirt with each and everyone of these women here, knowing they're thinking of this jerk … jerky, jerk, McJerk Face!

Neil: I have no idea what you're talking about.

Sheena: Zelos shut up, this is not the time!

Zelos: You're right, this is not the time for squabbling. It's the perfect time for a duel!

Zelos glove slaps Neil, he almost cries.

Zelos: I challenge you to a Sexy Flirt Duel!

Neil: Ouch, your mean.

Zelos: Do you accept the challenge like a man with balls, or are you a coward with breasts!

Neil: What are you talking about!? Do I know you? Why the Hell did you slap my face? Lloyd, why'd your friend slap my pretty face?

Lloyd: I dunno, he has a mind of his own.

The crew with Neil walks outside.

Zelos: Here are the rules, you and me split up and try to flirt with as many people as possible before the sand in this hourglass goes out. When the time runs out, we meet back here, whoever has the most free stuff received from whoever we flirt with, wins the duel and has to acknowledge the other as the Sexiest Being Alive!

Neil: This is stupid.

Zelos: Do you not accept?

Neil: No, I'll try. I don't flirt much though.

Mithos: If he is inexperienced, it isn't a fair contest competing with a pro. Let's see if he is capable, give him a practice.

Zelos: Al right then… Let's test our capabilities …

Zelos grabs Sheena.

Zelos: Lovely ninja lady, how are you.

Sheena: … I will kill you.

Receives pocket lent.

Zelos: You'll have to excuse this hunny over here, I've worked her over so many times, she's practically worn out and completely empty!

Sheena rips grabs Zelos' finger and rips his finger nail off.

Zelos: ….Yeeeeeoooowwww! … Anyway, you try and see … ouchies.

Neil: … I'll try.

Neil walks up to Sheena.

Neil: Hello miss, a pleasure to meet someone as pretty as yourself. My interests include listening, and changing myself.

Sheena: … Wow.

Receives 1300 gald.

Lloyd: Sheena!

Sheena: I couldn't help it, he's so pretty!

Zelos: … This proves nothing! Let's begin already. Presea, turn over the hourglass.

Presea: Understood.

She does so, the hourglass sand begins to pour. Zelos and Neil go opposite directions. We see Zelos rapidly going from woman to woman turning on his charm.

Zelos: My, my. I believe I'm in sight of a lovely flower, and I not worthy of pickin it.

Woman 1: You're sweet.

Receives Golden Boots.

Zelos: Hello there my sweet little delight!

Woman 2: Oh my.

Receives Extremely Rare Pellets.

But he's flirting so much that some of his flirts don't make sense.

Zelos: Boy, love making would be less of a hassle without you being sexy!

Woman 3: … Am I suppose to be turned on?

Receives Rock.

Zelos: Is it hot in here, or do I have an erection! … Wait…

Woman 4: Pervert!

Receives socks.

Then soon, Zelos completely looses it and looses his magic.

Zelos: Did it hurt when you had relations without me?

Man: … Please leave me alone.

Receives nothing.

Zelos: ….sigh …. Boy …. You're fat.

Woman 5: Excuse me!?

Zelos: I dunno who I feel more sorry for, your sweater for harvesting your fatness, or your fatness for being with a fat person like you ... Wait, I can restart?

Receives Free Eyeball Removal.

Zelos: OWW!

Only a few more seonds left on the timer, Zelos returns to the group.

Mithos: Just a few more seconds Zelos, you think you have enough.

Zelos: Of course I do, Neil is no match for me. I got some pellets, some fruit, a candy bar, my eyeball back, a lamp, and some other stuff. There's no way I could lose!

Genis: When'd you loose your eyeba-

Colette: Look! There's Neil!

Neil returns with a big bag of goodies. Much bigger than the pile in Zelos' hands.

Zelos: No Effing Way.

Neil: Way.

Genis: Wow, how'd you get so much in such time?

Neil: It's easy when you're so good looking that every woman and man is willing to give a little.

Raine: Man?

Zelos: Hah! He's gay and he cheated!

Neil: Your rules stated that we had to flirt with as many PEOPLE as possible. Last time I checked, men were people.

Zelos: …Not cool.

Presea: Time! The contest is over, Neil is the winner.

Neil: This contest was fun, no hard feelings right Zelos?

Zelos: Bite my ass queer.

Neil: Aw come on, it was fun. I got candy, and money and … a gift certificate for someplace called the Altamaira Resort … hmm, is it new?

Lloyd: The resort in Tethe … somewhere?

Sheena whispers to group.

Sheena: Who would have a gift certificate for there, everyone in this town shouldn't even know it exists-

Regal: It's not my fault, he was charming!

Everyone: …

Regal: I mean … that is quite a mystery.

Neil: Either way, I had fun and realized I'm quite the catch.

Zelos: I want you dead!

Colette: Zelos, you lost, so you have to keep your promise.

Zelos: … I have no idea what you mean.

Genis: Don't lie, you have to acknowledge that Neil is better than you.

Zelos: …Maybe later.

Neil: You don't have to, I'm sure you'll be busy with Desians and all, especially since the ranch in Palmacosta is active again.

Lloyd: What?

Neil: I thought you knew. Some people claimed seeing Desians in that area.

Colette: You think it's Magnius?

Lloyd: Not likely, we slaughtered him, big time.

Raine: We should check that out though. Oh, Neil, why we're gone, can you watch this boy for us.

Neil: Sure, of course.

Genis: His name is Mithos, please don't sell him.

Mithos: Genis, before you go here.

Genis receives Mithos' Panpipe.

Genis: Ooo, pretty. Thanks.

Mithos: It was my sister's and she-

Zelos: I don't care! Let's just go al ready! Gawd!

Zelos runs ahead towards the entrance of t he city.

Sheena: … What a bitch.

Raine: We should go on ahead and check on the ranch. This way we'll know what the Desians were up to while we were gone.

Presea: Yes.

Genis: Later Mithos.

Mithos: Later guys.

They catch up with Zelos, the group then leaves Palmacosta.

Sheena: You ok Zelos.

Zelos: Neil's a dick!

Genis: You're a dick!

Regal: You like dick.

Sheena: Oh, come on Dic... I mean Zelos!. You tried your best.

Zelos: You liked him better!

Sheena: Yeah. BUT, if I didn't KNOW you, and NEVER EVER met you before in my life, I might've been flattered. Or at least have given you more. Also if I was stupid and blond.

Zelos: …Aww. Thought so.

Sheena: I was gonna throw it away but … here. It's your finger nail.

Zelos: Thanks, that'll clog up the bleeding.

Fin


	29. Funny Day After Thanksgiving Special

**Black WiiDay**

_This chapter is about that horrible day after Thanksgiving in which normal people go to retail stores at a god awful hour and shop till they drop because of low prices and fear of the fact that Christmas is soon. And who's shopping at a particular Best Buy that day? Why it's the Symphonia gang! Lloyd is on a mythical quest this day to find a Nintendo Wii. God Speed to them. Here we go! Spoilers._

_Based on a true story … wait, no it's not_-

It is 5 minutes till 5 o clock in the AM. Lloyd, Genis, Zelos, Presea, Sheena and Regal are in the front of a line waiting for the store to open.

Genis: YAWN. Man, is it time yet?

Lloyd: Just a couple more minutes left Genis.

Regal: Inform me again why we're waitin in front of this store and have been since 10 pm last night?

Presea: The day after Thanksgiving is also known as the first shopping day before Christmas. This day, stores open early and give good deals on merchandise. This day is full of also a lot of traffic and grumpy people who would kill to be in front of the line as we are.

Regal: Oh. Is that why we brought our weapons?

Genis: That's EXACTLY why we brought our weapons.

Regal: Ah … Should we wake up Zelos and Sheena now?

Lloyd: Sure.

Right behind Regal Zelos is on top of a sleepy Sheena.

Regal: … Can someone else do it? When Sheena wakes up and finds Zelos on top of her, she's gonna get pissed and kill him, along with whoever's near her. Get Colette to do it.

Lloyd: Don't you remember, Colette has a massive tummy ache after Thanksgiving dinner, Professor is watching her. Just poke Sheena with a stick … it'll be funny.

Meanwhile, at Colette's house, we see her laying on the ground aching in pain.

Colette: Ohhh, why did I eat all that cranberry sauce?

Raine: I'm not talking to you. You ate all the mashed potatoes, which I mashed with my brother's big head.

Colette: Sorry Professor.

Raine: Just let the food set in and sleep… I'm surprised you ate the turkey, considering you like animals and all.

Colette: It's the holidays; animals don't have souls around this time.

Raine: Colette, that doesn't make any sense.

Colette: They can't have souls when I eat them, otherwise they'd cry in pain … right?

Raine: Well, they HAD souls before we chop them up, grease them and shove a lot of bread stuff up their buts and called it stuffing.

Colette vomits.

Back at the store …

Sheena: Chosen! Get off dammit!

Zelos: Hu wha? I had a wonderful dream … I guess I'm still in it-

Sheena jumps, grabs Zelos by his luxurious hair and throws him into the crowd behind them … bad move, considering A LOT of people came here.

Rodyle: Ow! Who threw this guy at me?!

Forcystus: Well, don't be a puss. Throw something back.

Rodyle and Magnius look at each other and simultaneously grab Forcystus.

Forcystus: Not me dammit!

They throw Forcystus at Regal. Regal's eyes turn almost demonic and he grows angry.

Genis: Oh no, they're throwing Desians at us, and pissing off Regal.

Magnius: OH CRAP! IT'S THOSE GUYS, THE CHOSEN'S GROUP GUYS!

Kvar: What do I care-

Regal collides with Kvar like a bull and starts a riot. All Hell breaks loose as people start punching each other rapidly.

Lloyd: Oh man, we're gonna die before we can get a Wii.

Announcer: Attention. The store is now open-

Everyone runs through the store, crushing the announcer. The group gathers in a circle and huddles together to talk.

Sheena: Ok, let's go through this store fast ok? Lloyd and Genis check out gaming section. Regal and Zelos go to DVD players. And Presea, you and I go find ourselves some iPods. Ready. Break!

The group splits up. Regal and Zelos fight 5 Desians troopers and two children to attain a DVD Player. One of the children called Zelos a woman, it made him depressed and he got in a fetal position and laid on the ground, Regal prevailed and attained the DVD player and grabbed the Neon Genesis Evangelion box set, Weekend at Bernie's, and Annimal House DVDs. He rushed to the cash register, and slipped on banana peel.

Regal: Noooooooooooooooooooo!

A child grabbed all his stuff and kicked him in the gut.

Child: Hahahahahahahahaha! Loser!

Regal: … Add to revenge list … "Child w/ My DVD Player".

Zelos: Woman?

Sheena and Presea and Pronyma all have their hands on the same pink iPod Mini.

Pronyma: …My, how awkward.

Presea: We had it first!

Pronyma: I don't think so, this is mine!

Sheena: We'll see about that.

Pronyma: Very well …

Sheena: … Hands getting tired?

Pronyma: Why no … yours?

Sheena: Of course not.

Presea: Two against one, the odds are in our favor. Surrendering for you is highly recommended.

Pronyma: I'm not letting go.

Sheena: We're not letting go so easily either.

Pronyma: I've got all night.

Women are scary. Lloyd and Genis are at the video game section.

Genis: Wow, a lot of games are up for grabs, quick, grab what you … Lloyd?

Lloyd is gazing at a Nintendo Wii Box.

Lloyd: Soooooo Beautful. Forget Colette, forget Sheena, forget all other female characters, I love you Wii!

Genis: Lloyd! Stop looking! Just grab it and go! I'll check near PS2 stuff real quick.

Lloyd gazes at the box.

Lloyd: Cheap, fun, you've got it all! Must have-

Reaches for box, Magnius quickly grabs it, laughs and runs. Lloyd cries then is on fire with anger.

Genis: Lloyd, what's wrong? Why are you on fire?

Lloyd: There's no time to expla… OW!

Puts out fire.

Lloyd: Like I was gonna say. We gotta catch Magnius! He took the Wii!

Genis: I can't run; I got fifteen games in my hands! I'll drop them-

Lloyd: Forget the old school, I wanna grab me some of the new school!

Genis: You hate school-

Lloyd: Let's Rock!

Lloyd grabs Genis's hand and runs after Magnius, some of Genis's games fall.

Genis: You owe me a copy of Bully for the PS2!

Lloyd: Come Back You Dickweed!

Magnius: HA HA HAHA HA! YOU CAN'T CATCH ME- CRAP! DEAD END!

Magnius is caught in a corner between a well and he giant section of CDs. Genis and Lloyd get ready for battle… almost.

Magnius: YOU'LL HAVE TO FIGHT ME FOR THE RIGHT TO OWN THIS WII!

Genis: Lloyd, I left my Kendama back at the game section! … All I have are these games.

Lloyd grins.

Genis: NO! I'm not using these games as weapons. These mean more to me than your life!

Lloyd: Just throw whatever games you can do without … I need swords.

Lloyd looks to his right and sees a basket of swords with a sign stating "Two Swords for the Price of One."

Lloyd: Hot Damn!

Genis: Best Buy doesn't sell swords.

Lloyd: Whatever! I'm ready to roll! Demon Fang!

Genis: Let's see … Ok this'll do. Madden 2006 Disk!

Genis throws the game at Magnius, he reacts with his own attack.

Magnius: I'LL SHOW YOU! WII CONSOLE ATTACK!

Lloyd and Genis: No!

Magnius throws the console at Lloyd's hard head, making it crack and crumble to nothingness.

Magnius: …Whoops.

Lloyd: …Ah … Ah…. There are no words to describe my sorrow … I don't wanna live anymore.

Genis: Lloyd, I'm sorry.

Magnius: … YOU REALIZE OF COURSE THAT THERE WAS MORE THAN ONE BOX CONTAINING THE WII CONSOLE, RIGHT!?

Lloyd and Genis: … Oh yeah.

Magnius: OH NO YOU DON'T!

Magnius grabs his axe.

Magnius: I'LL CHOP OFF BOTH YOUR HANDS SO THE WII WILL BE USELESS TO YOU!

Genis: … I don't think so, Burn! God of War Disc!

The disk lodges into Magnius's haed and he explodes.

Genis: Heh heh heh! Don't mess with the God of War!

Lloyd: Let's go get ourselves a Wii!

Genis: I wish we could hang out with the God of War character Kratos instead of our Kratos. Just for one day.

Lloyd: Wii!

They both run, Magnius is burnt to a crisp yet still alive.

Magnius: … UGHHHH! …. FINE! I DIDN'T WANT YOUR STUPID WII ANYWAY! I'LL GET YOU LLOYD IRVING, I'LL GET YOU! AND YOUR LITTLE GRAY HAIRED FRIEND TOO! HUAH HA HA! … I wanted a PS3 anyway.

Lloyd and Genis race back to the gaming section, they run pass Presea, Sheena and Pronyma. Still calmly trying to pry the iPod out of each other's hands.

Pronyma: You gotta sleep sometime ladies.

Presea: I'm a Goth, I don't sleep.

Sheena: I'm a ninja, I can go five days standing on someone's ceiling without sleeping. You on the other hand my Desian friend, don't stand a chance.

Pronyma: I got no where else to go, this iPod is going home with me.

Sheena: Bring it on bitch.

Lloyd and Genis arrive back at the game section. Lloyd grabs for the Wii, but is interrupted as someone calls for the two boys.

Store Attendant: Are you Lloyd Irving?

Lloyd: …Hmm, difficult choice … answer with my catchphrase or get the Wii … CAN'T … RESIST! …. Give me your name and I'll give yo-

Genis: Yeah, he's Lloyd.

Lloyd: …mine…

Store Attendant: Do you know a Mr. Regal Bryant?

Lloyd: Give me your name and I'll give you Regal!

Store Attendant: …He was arrested by the security guard; he listed you as someone who can pick him up.

Genis: Can he go one day without being arrested … Where is Zelos?

We see Zelos sill in the fetal position laying on the ground crying to himself.

Zelos: I'm not a pretty girl! I'm a pretty guy!

At the security office.

Genis: Regal, calm down … now, tell me why you hit that child?

Regal: That little bastard took my DVD player and my DVDs! I had no choice but to do the responsible thing, and react with violence.

Genis: How much to get him off?

Security Guard: Thousand Gald Bail.

Genis: What! That's ridiculously high!

Lloyd: Yeah man! Where's your Black Friday Spirit!

Security Guard: Hey, wait. You're those two kids who attacked that innocent bystander! I saw it on the security camera!

Genis: Woah, first off he wasn't innocent! Second, he started it!

Security: I'm gonna hafta take you two down-

Lloyd: All this talk is stopping me from attaining my well deserved video game system! Out of my way! Rising Falcon!

Genis: Lloyd stop!

Regal: Dragon Dance!

Genis: Oh, whatever … …. Ah, here we go. Psychon- Wait, no, not Psychonauts-

Security Guard: Whoopass Stick of Justice!

They go into a free for all melee of reckless fighting.

Hours later, Colette and Raine bail out Lloyd, Genis and Regal and head out the store. Zelos follows with a bunch of groupies.

Colette: Well, my stomach feels better … I wish I could say the same for you guys.

Raine: Regal, did they ever find your big toe?

Regal: Not yet, they said if they find it, they'll call tomorrow.

Genis: That was the worse experience ever. All my games were destroyed and I feel oh so depressed.

Zelos: I feel just dandy!

Regal: You owe me a viewing of Weekend at Bernies.

Zelos: Don't be so glum, Lloyds got the right idea, look at that big ol smile of his.

Lloyd: So happy!

Genis: Lloyd, could you please stop hugging you Wii box. It's kinda creepy.

Lloyd: I'm never letting go, at least not until I get bored.

Genis: WAIT! Where's Sheena and Presea?

Lloyd: Who?

Pronyma and Sheena are fast asleep on the ground. Presea takes this opportunity and attempts to purchase the iPod. She walks up to the cash register, but all of the sudden, the burnt up Magnius tackles Presea and takes the iPod.

Magnius: MINE!

He buys it and runs off.

Presea: . . . ARRRRRRGGGGGGGHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHH!!!!!!!!! – Oh well.

END


	30. Funny Yuan and Botta Parody

**Yu'an Asshole! Peanut Botta and Jelly! Oh My!**

_I know, I coulda tried harder with the title. But I write parodies, not titles, it's not in my area. Give me a break, geez- _

_Chosen Zelos received the title of Bad Title Giver._

_SHUDDAP! Anyway, here's a parody of my favorite buddy duo (In this game) Yuan and Botta. I assume they don't have last names. This takes place sometime before Lloyd was captured by the Renegades (Lloyd still thinks they're Desians, dumbass), and after they attempted to attack Colette and others at the Martel Temple. Anyway, proceed and be cautionete of the spoileretes … Yeah._

_Chosen Zelos received title of Improper Grammar._

…_Yeah … Well… you get the title of … Jerkface! Just read:_

Botta walks into Yuan's office with a big fat sad expression on his face. Yuan questions him.

Yuan: Botta, how'd it go?

Botta: Humph, we didn't kill the Chosen.

Yuan: I suspected.

Botta: What do you mean!?

Yuan: I mean it was just you, some henchmen and that big guy who's incredibly weak.

Botta: Well we shoulda been able to defeat the Chosen and her loser friends, but then that one guy Kratos came and totally kick his-

Yuan: Kratos!? Ah man, not cool!

Botta: I think he's on to us.

Yuan: He never saw ME, so it's ok. You on the other hand are of no consequence to Kratos and Cruxis so it's ok.

Botta: …Sir, could you please at least make me feel important.

Yuan: Fine ... you're my only henchmen I know whose name is familiar to me.

Botta: Thank you my Lord.

Yuan: No prob … now go away. I'm finishing up some work here.

Botta: Understood.

Botta leaves.

Yuan: ...Gosh ... I'm bored... Let's see… I need to make some cuts here and there…

Talks into telecom.

Yuan: Alice! Send in Worker 221.

Alice: Yes Sir.

A Renegade soldier walks in.

Soldier 1: …Yes Lord Yuan?

Yuan: Ah, Number 221, Maurice is it?

Soldier 1: …Actually it's Malcolm.

Yuan: Oh, I'm sorry. Anyway Maurice, you've been working here for … 15 years, you are in deed a valuable soldier in the fight against Cruxis and Desians, I can see that. BUT, we're on hard times. I gotta pay for electricity, water, and such. And, we think that YOU in particular are indispensable. You understand?

Soldier 1: I think so. Are you firing me?

Yuan: ... Well what da a know! You're not as dumb as I assumed you would be with a dumb name like Maurice! You're fired! … Go away.

Soldier 1: But it was MY idea to make our costumes a crappy looking version of the Desians costumes!

Yuan: Hahahha, that's funny. You assume that's gonna make me double think my decision! Now get out of here.

Soldier 1: …. …. …. WAAAAAHHHHHHHHHH!

Soldier leaves.

Yuan: Wow … that was fun. I'm gonna do it again! ALICE! Send in another soldier, I don't care which one …

Alice: Yes sir.

A poor soldier wanders in.

Yuan: You're Fired!

Soldier 2: What!? But I have four kids!

Yuan: How dare you assume I care! Leave at once!

Soldier 2: Aww man.

He leaves.

Yuan: Alice! Send me three at the same time! This'll be cool!

Alice: Yes sir …

Three more Renegade Soldiers come in scared.

Yuan: Ok, You two! Fight to the death the one who survives, loses his job! Now fight!

The two do so, they both die. The one who did not fight watched and is scared for what he might have to do.

Yuan: You! Give me a five sentence speech on why I shouldn't fire you, WITHOUT using the letter "I".

Soldier 3: ...Um ... Ok, um ... Me th- say that me should not be fired-

Soldier pauses, than just plain walks out.

Yuan: Pffft, THAT'S WHY YOU'RE NJOT RENEGADE MATERIAL! Jeez … ALICE! … Send in 5 … or 15 … You know, just send them all in.

Alice: Yes sir.

Five soldiers pop in at a time and Yuan has fun with his men.

Yuan: You two make out, you two punch eachother in the faces and you … eat the hotdog I threw in the trashcan!

They do so, they get canned, more come.

Yuan: Dance for me! All of you dance! The one who doesn't dance, gets fired. The ones who does dance … I'll consider maybe sorta not not firing.

They do so, they get canned, more come.

Yuan: … Gosh, I'm running out of ideas… Hmm … There's gotta be a fun way to say you're worthless and all fired.

The soldiers are sad and just leave

Yuan: … Oh, that'll do. Ok, NEXT!

5 Hours later. Botta walks in.

Botta: Sir, I think we were under attack. All our soldiers are gone, and my Big Mac is has been eaten!

Yuan: …Whoops.

Botta: What do you mean Whoops!? You ate my Big Mac!?

Yuan: No! Well, yes, but that's not the point. You see … I had nothing really to do today, so I thought I'd kill some time and fire some people … and I think I accidentally fired my entire army and staff.

Botta: My God! Everyone?! Even Alice?

Yuan: I'm sorry Botta, I know you had a thing for her, always talking to her and stuff-

Botta: Dude! She's my cousin!

Yuan: ... Really?

Botta: YES!

Yuan: Aww man … you mean I coulda been hitting on her this entire time?!

Botta: You were gonna what?!

Yuan: Woah, calm down! I wasn't gonna because I assume you were going to ask her out. But if she's not-

Botta: Woah woah woah wait a minute! … I think we're forgetting the problem with us not having an army anymore! We're royally screwed!

Yuan: Don't worry, we'll just hire some more Half Elves next week.

Botta: We don't have time! I need some men to go around looking for the Chosen and Lloyd Irving in Triet!

Yuan: …Sigh, we have no choice.

Botta: You don't mean-

Yuan: Yes, at the time we'll need the service of … College Interns.

Botta: … No.

Yuan: What do you mean 'no'? We need Renegades now, we'll use what we can until I go to Kinkos and copy some more job applications for deserving Half Elves.

Botta: But the interns don't know anything. They just sign up for credits and weapons. They're as useless as a soap flavored lolly pop.

Yuan: Botta ... you're fired.

Botta: What!?

Yuan: … Sorry, just felt like doing one more. Tee hee, Anyway, call Palmacosta State, Triet Tech and Cal State Izoold and get as much interns as you can. After a couple of days of training, they should be good to go. Of course you'll have the task of training them, fighting them, helping them with their homework and reading their bed time stories. Ok?

Botta: … I want a raise.

Yuan: Of course.

Yuan's pager goes off. He checks it and is irritated.

Yuan: ... Dammit. You go now, I'll be back around five. Mithos wants me to go straighten his hair, AGAIN.

Botta: SIGH, Ok, I'll meet you later tonight with new recruits.

Yuan: None of this wouldn't have happened if you just went and fixed the giant Gamecube so I can play me some Mario Sunshine! This place is boring and I need some fun!

Botta: … Sorry?

Yuan: Don't apologize to me! Apologize to those poor men and women I just canned! Alice, Maurice and the gang!

Botta: … You're incredibally bad with names.

Yuan: Shut up Bobby.

**End**


	31. Funny Alternate Renegade Truce

**An Unexpected Truce **

_This was meant to take place after the Zelos and Neil Conflict, but I'll just do it now. This is when Lloyd and the others meet up with the Renegades and decide to work together. I know what your thinking, GAY! Yuan would never work with Lloyd. Well, it's actually interesting … spoilers:_

The Symphonia gang reaches the destroyed Palmacosta Ranch. They wander around until they eventually see Yuan and Botta at the destroyed entrance.

Lloyd: Renegades!

Genis: Now I get it, everyone must've thought that these guys were Desians because no one can tell the difference between these guys an-

Zelos: Shut up, we all figured it out al ready way before you were talking.

Genis: … Just felt like making sure everyone was kept up to speed.

Presea: Genis, there was no reason for this little explanation, we've all been with each other and have had more than enough encounters with both Desians and Renegades to know the differences and hence, don't need you to point it out.

Genis: … I was just-

Raine: He was just trying to show off and remind us he's an annoying little 'know it all'.

Genis: … I'll never point things out again.

Genis received the title of Annoying Little 'Know It All'.

Botta: … Can we talk now?

Lloyd: Of course. You're our sworn enemies, there's no need to ask… wait-

Regal: I think what Lloyd is trying to say is, we would like to hear why you're in Sylverant and why you're in this old Desian base?

Lloyd: Yeah, what that guy said! What the Hell are you doing here Yuan? Did Magnius survive and you joined forces with him to take us down?

Yuan: You idiot, Magnius is dead.

Magnius: ACTUALLY! I AM STILL VERY MUCH ALIVE! IF SOMEONE COULD PLASES JUST REMOVE THESE GIANT ASS BOULDERS THAT'RE CRUSHING MY ORGANS AND PREVENTING ME FROM GETTING UP, I WOULD MOST APPRECIATE IT!

Yuan holds up his hand, chants a spell, and a big ass thunderbolt comes down and strikes where Magnius's voice is coming from, totally obliterating that area.

Everyone looks dumbfounded.

Yuan: …You like? I call it my Big Ass Thunderbolt Attack.

Raine: Hmm, catchy.

Yuan: Anyway, we were hoping you guys would come here, we have something to discuss-

Raine: Wait, hold on. How did you know we would come here?

Botta: Look, it was either wait here, pretend we're Desians and hope you guys come here to check it out. Or, still pretend we're Desians, slaughter innocent civilians, and hope you guys come to the rescue … one of us decided to go with the first one.

Yuan: We're still trying to figure out which one of us TURNED DOWN the second option … honestly, that one sounded fun-

Genis: Get to the point!

Yuan: Oh, anyway, we want you to assist us.

Raine: What? You constantly tried to kill Lloyd and Colette, and never once considered killing the rest of us. Why should we even listen to you if you're not going to take us seriously?

Botta: Look, we hate all of you as well … just not as much as Lloyd and Colette.

Lloyd: Woah! I can see you hating Colette, but what's the deal with me? I'm lovable!

Colette: I'm sorry, but Lloyd, what the H E Double Hockey Sticks did you mean by that!

Lloyd: Sorry, nothing personal-

Yuan: SHUT UP!

Everyone: …

Yuan: … God. Let me finish one freaking speech already, damn… ok. Have you people heard of the giant tree?

Zelos: That one tree that one guy drank the sap out of because he thought it was his girl friend?

Genis: … I think you're talking about a scene from The Fountain.

Zelos: That's impossible, I never saw that movie!

I never saw it either, I heard that happened.

Zelos: OH, you're talking about the Giant Tree that was mentioning in the beginning cut scene of the game.

Genis: I thought that was just a irrelevant myth.

Yuan: No, that irrelevant story that until then had no purpose regarding the current plot was real. Thousands of years ago it was real, and was the source of all mana, until the great war made it fade away and die.

Botta: We've run some test and made a lot of accusations, which we think are 100 percent correct. In between the two worlds is the Giant Seed or something like that, and the Seed is … you don't really care do you?

Lloyd: No. Just tell us what to do.

Yuan: We want you to get all the Summon Spirits and help us do stuff.

Raine: I dunno.

Yuan: See, we kinda assume that if you get all the Summon Spirits, than the Giant Seed won't have any Mana to take so it'll germinate and hopefully the two worlds will split.

Raine: Ah, so that's why you need us. Because we have Sheena, a whore who happens to be a Summoner.

Sheena: ...Bitch.

Colette: Splitting the worlds? That is kinda what we want, maybe we should join. Huh Lloyd?

Lloyd: Yuan! Are you with the Renegades or with Cruxis.

Yuan: I am a member of Cruxis, and the leader of the Renegades.

Lloyd: … That didn't answer my question. You just said you were both, I asked if you were one or the other.

Regal: He's a double agent Lloyd, his main identity is that of a Renegade. He works within the Cruxis system and takes it down from the inside.

Yuan: That pretty much sums it up. So, you join us?

Lloyd: Yeah, sure.

Zelos: Lloyd! You sure we can trust these douche bags?

Lloyd: Sure why not, before we found out about this mana link separation crap, we were just wandering around hoping we'd find a solution. Now we have one. I don't see any problem. Ok, we'll help you guys.

Yuan: Al right, your first thing is to go to Rodyles Ranch and shut it down.

Raine: Why?

Yuan: Because that jerk took my PSP and I want it back … oh, and we need his Ranch's mana core for stuff. We need all the Ranches, and Rodyle is being a jerk and not lending it to us.

Presea: That's no problem, we have a little score to settle with Rodyle.

Yuan: Al right, you'll leave at once … Good luck Botta.

Botta: Understood.

Lloyd: Yay! Another Desian Adventure awaits us!

Genis: This isn't a field trip Lloyd.

Lloyd: Shut up you Annoying Little 'Know It All'!

**End Scene **


	32. Funny Alternate Remote Island Ranch 1

**The Rodyle Factor and the Ranch You Can Only Go To Once and Never Even Take a Look Around Once the Mission is Over. **

… **Or**

**TRFRYCOGTONETLAOMO … Yes, much less long.**

…_Anyway, we continue where we left off. The playable characters go with Botta and his nameless henchmen to the Remote Island Human Ranch. _

Botta: Alright idiots, you are to go in, kill Rodyle, then we'll come in at the last second and help out.

Raine: What kind of planning is that!?

Botta: I don't make the plans, I just go with them. Have a problem, talk to the plan organizer.

Regal: And who might that be?

Botta: Rick, he's in accounting … in fact, he's right beside me.

Rick: Hi.

Lloyd: Yeah, your plan is good and all bu-

Zelos: No it's not, it's a horrible, HORRIBLE plan.

Lloyd: … Thank you Zelos, I was JUST ABOUT to say that before you interrupted me.

Zelos: I didn't know, I figured you thought this actually was a good plan.

Lloyd: You think I'm that stupid!? Anyone else think I'm that stupid?

Everyone raises their hand.

Lloyd: … Jerks, I'm not stupid, my Daddy said so.

Botta: Shut up, you are all equally retarded. Just go. OH, and don't destroy the ranch, we need it.

Genis: That means YOU Raine.

Raine: Hey, if destroying stuff for fun is wrong, who the Hell wants to be right?

Regal: Preofessor Raine has that kind of power?

Sheena: Not really.

They enter the ranch and … yeah, this whole way of getting there with the Sorcerer's Ring is too boring for one of MY parodies so I'll simplify the whole experience to save us time.

Colette: Look Lloyd! It's the magical machine that makes the Sorcerer's Ring ability different.

Presea: Let's activate it.

Sorcerer's Ring ability changes.

Genis: I wonder what useless ability we have now. The ability to talk to fish? Hahahahaha.

Raine: Shhhhh, Aquaman's right behind you.

Aquaman: … Sigh.

Genis: Sorry man but … your power is stupid.

Aquaman: No, no, I can take a hint. I'm gone. BUT, one day you'll be hungry, you'll be on a deserted island, you'll be saying "Boy, I sure could use some fish, if only someone could tell them to come here." THEN you'll be sorry! You'll be sorry!

Aquaman leaves.

Lloyd: …Nice going Genis, now he's gonna tell Batman and Batman's gonna kick your ass.

Genis: It's not my fault, I didn't know those Seamen were so sensitive.

Zelos: …Hahahahahahaha! Seamen.

Sheena: What are you laughing at?

Zelos: If I'm laughing at what I think I'm laughing at, then it's hysterical! Hahahahaha!

Lloyd: You bore me, I'm gonna see if the ring gives me thunder powers again. I'll test it on you!

Lloyd activates the ring, everybody get's teleported straight to the top floor.

Lloyd: …Woah.

Sheena: Now THAT'S more like it.

Zelos: Sweet.

Lloyd: Ok, let's go in there and kill Mr. Meanie!

They walk in, Rodyle was waiting for them.

Rodyle: Ahahahahahahaha! So you've come!

Colette: It's the big mean Desian guy who kidnapped me and did bad stuff to Presea and-

Presea: Yes Colette, we know who he is. Here, have a cookie.

Colette: Yay!

Lloyd: We've come here to stop you Middle-Aged Mutant Desian Turtle!

Rodyle: Fools, look at the projector!

He sees tons of people walking towards and exit. Then the water level begins to rise.

Genis: Oh no, they're trapped!

Presea: Wait, we DIDN'T set them free.

Rodyle: I know! While you were busy emasculating a seaman, I let the prisoners escape. Those who survived my Demon Possesed Mutant Kittens will now drown!

Lloyd: You dickweed asswhipe! Stop the water now!

Rodyle: It's too late! The button to deactivate it is ALL THE WAY on the OTHERSIDE of this room. Face it, they're going to die!

Presea, Colette, Regal and Lloyd go up to confront Rodyle.

Zelos: You go fight Rodyle, we'll go look for that button.

Raine: God help us.

Rodyle: Heh, I know why you're here. You're here to steal my Angelus Project, aren't you!

Presea: No-

Rodyle: Well it's too late! I already memorized all the blueprints for the project, wrote them down on a separate sheet of paper, IN GERMAN, read it, memorized it, then ate it!

Lloyd: What the!?

Regal: What would that accomplish!?

Rodyle: I've been taking German Classes for five weeks now at the Community College, I want to impress Lord Yggdrassil as I tell him to Rot in Hell in German as I use this Big Ass Mana Cannon to blow the Tower of Salvation back to France where it originally was made!

Lloyd: … You're a sad strange little turtle.

Rodyle: I'm not a turtle! I am one of the Five Grand Cardinals, and I'll prove it by killing you with my new amplified powers once I place this Cruxis Crystal on!

Rodyle places the Cruxis Crystal upon himself and transforms into … something ugly.

Lloyd: Oh my god! He turned from ugly turtle to just plain ugly!

Presea: Ugly people have no place in our society, let's kill him!

Colette: Maybe we can just fix him up a bit. Put on a wig, and some nice clothes. Then he'll be happy.

Regal: He'll be happy with my foot lodged up his rectum!

Rodyle: What the Hell happened to my arm! It's … repulsive! Ahhhhhhh!

Lloyd: I'll fix that for you! Demon Fang!

Chops off Rodyles ugly arm.

Rodyle: Ow! Not cool! Time out!

Regal: Kick!

Presea: Axe in Face!

Colette: Cookie Throw!

Rodyle: Seriously, stop cheating! Ouchies!

Lloyd: Do the honors Presea.

Presea: Ahem … Man Part Chopper!

Chop!

Rodyle: … Ahhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhh! My little turtle!!!!

Presea: I did it, I chopped of his penis … oh, and avenged my sister.

Rodyle: Ouchies, I thought my parts could regenerate … Pronyma, you bitch! You tricked me!

Moves to big machine.

Rodyle: Well, if I can't have a Mr. Johanson, no one else in this room can! I'll take you all with me!

Activates machine. He then dies in a pile of his own feces.

Presea: Now do you believe me when I said people release their bowels after they die.

Lloyd: Eww, yes.

Everyone gathers near the machine. Raine examines it.

Presea: The only one smart enough to handle this technology is Raine.

Raine: I don't understand this machine at all! I usually just pull all the wires and be done with it, but Mr. Jerk said I'm not suppose to blow it up, so this sucks!

Zelos: I have an idea!

Everyone: Gasp!

Zelos: No, I think an actual GOOD idea!

Everyone: Ah.

Zelos: Let's just all keep hitting at it until it eventually fixes itself!

Everyone: …

Zelos: Ready?

Lloyd: … Sure Zelos, you do that.

Zelos: Ok!

Zelos swings his sword around hitting the machine rapidly. Botta and his men enter.

Botta: Hey, Chosen Retard, stop that. We'll take it from here. There's an escape hatch over there, use it to escape.

Lloyd: …Ok.

They all go through the passage and are outside in a dome of some sort. The door than closes.

Lloyd: What the!?

Raine: Oh dear, they'll die in a matter of... hours!

Lloyd: We don't have much time!

Lloyd slashes the glass wall, nothing.

Regal: Let me try! … Kamehame … Kick!

Regal kicks the wall, nothing.

Genis: They planned this! They're letting us survive!

Lloyd: Why don't they just open the door so THEY can come out too-

Botta: It's al right!

Lloyd: What the!?

Botta: We managed to stop the mana reactor, so now Yuan can do as he pleases. And the hostages are all safe. We're the only ones who're getting screwed in the end.

Dramatic music plays.

Lloyd: Open the door now!

Botta: Sorry, we can't … we forgot which button allows us to do that. Also this was part of the plan.

Rick: Yes, just as it was foretold by my horoscope.

Botta: ... Since we're probably going to die, I guess I can say this now. Rick, you're fired.

Rick: Aww.

Lloyd: What the!? Stop wasting time and get out! Who know how many hours of water slowly pouring up there will be, we don't have time to take any chances!

Botta: I need you to quit being a little bitch and go tell Yuan the mission is complete.

Lloyd: What the!?

Genis: Tell him yourself!

Botta: We wish you idiots the best of luck in regenerating the world, and I'm sorry that you're all retarded.

Zelos: I'm starting to not miss this guy more and more.

Botta: Oh, and tell Yuan-

Metal case closes, covering the giant glass.

Colette: No!!!!!

Lloyd: … Waaaaaahhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhh!

Genis: …Well … we …. We better find a way out of here.

Zelos: Yeah, it's the least we could do for him.

Lloyd: Yeah. Thank you Botta, in death, you saved us all and we will always remember you.

They start walking away.

Botta: … I'm not dead … if you can hear me, tell Yuan not to touch any of my stuff, otherwise if I die, I'll haunt him!

Lloyd: Wow … I can still hear his voice. I'm sure gonna miss him.

Rick: Sir please, give me another chance! I have fifteen pet ducks to feed at home!

Other Soldier: Heh, not anymore you don't.

Botta: Hehehehe, nice one Rob-

Raine: WILL YOU GUYS SHUT UP A DIE ALREADY!

Lloyd: Who are you talking to?

Raine: Lloyd, it's clearly obvious they're not dead yet!

Lloyd: I know Professor, they're still alive … in spirit.

Everyone: Sigh.

Presea: … EVERYONE LOOK!

A bunch of giant cages open up and many dragons come out!

Lloyd: What the!?

Colette: It's Rod-

Regal: That's right Colette, it's Rodyles carnivorous winged dragons!

Lloyd: Man … we don't stand a chance against all those dragons after that fifteen second battle we just had!

Regal: God help us.

**To Be Continued . . . **

Genis: Wow, this parody is actually ending with a dramatic eerie cliffhanger and not ending with a stupid pun, that's amazing and co-

Zelos: Boobies!

Genis: ... Well, that ruined the suspense.

Botta: My socks are wet.


	33. Funny Alternate Remote Island Ranch 2

_Last Time on Tales of Symphonia Ball Z …_

_Regal continues powering up for his Super KamehaDokenTousenKai Blast Attack, hoping to finish off Kvar once and for all! The same attack he's been powering up for five episodes ago._

_Regal: Just a little bit more._

_Kvar: I don't know what you're doing, but I'll just stand here perfectly still, assuming it's nothing important!_

_Regal hopes Kvar's ego will get the better of him, allowing him to finish powering up for his final attack. Meanwhile, Lloyd and Raine continue looking Sheena, who got lost in a gold mine looking for the Golden Chuckie Cheese Token, the one item powerful enough to defeat Abyssion. They encounter the Half Naked Man from the Hot Springs and get into an all out brawl. _

_Lloyd: Ah man, this doesn't look good …_

_Hot Springs Man: It's all over you foolish clothed people!_

_Sheena was relunctant enough to find the coin, or so she thought. The coin was fake, and the coin's power was merely a lie to trap Sheena by Kuchinawa, who learned secret arts from Mithos … and was now Super Saiyan. _

_Sheena: So, that is the path you've chosen. Is it? Kuchinawa!?_

_Kuchinawa: Defeat me in a duel, then I will release Zelos, Presea and Colette from being frozen in kryptonite! And call me Super Kuchinawa!_

_Things are looking bad for the Symphonia Z team! Hurry Regal! Unleash your powerful attack then save your friends!_

_Regal: Alicia … give me strength!_

_Kvar: Take your time, I feel no threat …_

_Prepare for the exciting conclusion on Tales of Symphonia Ball Z!!!!_

**Play a Panpipe While Dragons Are Attacking and Good Things Will Come!**

Lloyd: … Wow, that intro had nothing to do with what is happening right now. I'm pretty sure we're still gonna get slaughtered by Rodyle's dragons if we don't fight back!

Regal: Yes. Step Back!

Everyone moves away from Regal. He stands perfectly still, then starts to spin around rapidly like a top while kicking. Then a MIGHTY twister is made from his spinning, absorbing all the Dragons in it, making them disappear.

Zelos: … What the?!

Regal: By spinning rapidly at a rate of 5 times the speed of light and doing a Triple Kick attack more than three times, I created a rip in the universe which I then condensed with a Dragon Dance attack, making the whole shrink and pushing out excess air from the nothingness, causing a rapid tornado to take the dragons into the hole which will teleport them into a black hole, which will kill them.

Everyone looks at Raine.

Raine: … It … It's slightly, SLIGHTLY, incrediably slightly possible.

Everyone: Ah.

Lloyd: Nice going Regal … except it would've been nice if it took ALL THE DRAGONS!

He points to the 20 to 50 dragons up in the air.

Regal: … Gay.

Lloyd: There's just too many of them! What do we do!?

Genis: I have an idea!

Genis pulls out Mitho's flute.

Genis: My bad flute playing will make the dragons go away!

Regal: That's stupid.

Lloyd: Stupid enough to work! Try it!

Genis plays the flute, surprisingly well, the music is so beautiful, almost everyone cries.

Presea: My soul feels the opposite of pissed off.

Lloyd: I never knew happiness before hearing such art.

Raine: Wow, you actually have talent.

Colette: Nice job Genis!

Zelos: Guys, we're still gonna die.

The dragons charge forth, then all of the sudden a giant beam of light falls from the sky and hits the dragons.

Zelos: … Oh, nevermind.

Genis: What happened?

Voice: Genis, Raine, Everyone!

Genis: Mithos!?

Lloyd: Boy Colette!?

Mithos: Quick get on these crappy named flying motorcycles!

Regal: Let's go, there's still more dragons up there!

Lloyd: Yeah!

Mithos with a bunch of Rheairds come down to the gang, they get on them, fly up and away!

Genis: Mithos, you saved us! Super awesome!

Zelos: Quite lucky you showed up with Rheairds and all, considering you were left in Palmacosta and didn't know where we were.

Mithos: … I … I'm sorry guys … I … got worried about you … so I went to the Renegade Base and took some Rheairds and came here … even though I didn't know where to go and didn't even know where the Renegade Base was.

Lloyd: That makes total and complete super sense.

Presea: What was that beam of light?

Mithos: I don't know. While flying, I heard my flute music, and a golden bird came to the ranch and attacked.

Sheena: Golden bird … could it be …. Ho-oh!?

Raine: It can't be … why would a Pokemon-

Lloyd: Either way, we should go back to Palmacosta and tell Neil you're safe, then we'll go to the Renegade Base and return these Rheairds.

Mithos: …Yes, of course.

Genis: You're awesome Mithos!

Mithos: … I … I don't think so.

Zelos: Well, someone is shy.

Mithos: SILENCE!

Everyone: …

Mithos: … I mean, hahaha stop it silly! … heh?

Lloyd: … Ok.

They've returned to Palmacosta to see Neil.

Mithos: Neil, I'm sorry I left without telling you, I hope you can forgive me.

Neil: You were gone?

Raine: We'll be taking Mithos back with us, just to let you know.

Neil: Oh, ok. No problem, I wish you all a wonderful and safe trip.

Zelos: Goddam I hate you so much!

Neil: Oh, hi Zelos.

Zelos: Hey Ugly.

Neil: Before you guys go, there's something in front of the building you guys MUST take part in … especially you Zelos.

Zelos: Hmm?

They exit the building and see all the town's residents all looking towards the gang.

Lloyd: What the!?

Neil: Now you can live up to your word Zelos and finish our little wager.

Zelos: What are you talking about!?

Flashback Sequence!

_Zelos: whoever has the most free stuff received from whoever we flirt with, wins the duel and has to acknowledge the other as the Sexiest Being Alive!_

Flashback Ends.

Zelos: … Oh … yeah, I clearly DON'T remember what you're talking about. That bet was like weeks ago, come on.

Neil: … It was three hours ago.

Zelos: Stop holding onto the past and move on!

Lloyd: Zelos, if you don't go and tell everyone what you promised you would, we will loose all respect for you.

Zelos: Screw respect! What has it ever done for me?

Colette: Come on Zelos, do it real quick.

Zelos: Sigh, ok my cutey.

Zelos walks forward on the stand so everyone can see him.

Zelos: ... Attention everyone, since I lost a bet, I have to acknowledge that he, Neil, the flaming closet hiding homosexual, is the sexiest beast alive. I should know … I AM HIS LOVER!

Everyone: GASP!

Neil: Oh dear.

One person: Our leader is gay!

Another person: This won't do!

Angry person: I'm angry!

Angry Person 2: We're Republicans, this won't do at all!

Neil: Damn, I was THIS close to making Palmacosta a tad more Liberal.

Zelos: Thank you all and toodles! Tee hee! Let's run!

Zelos grabs Lloyd and the others follow, Neil runs as well as the towns people act like rednecks.

Sheena: Zelos, you Kamikaze Super Jerk!

Zelos: I kept my promise, whatever else escaped my mouth is out of my hands.

Colette: Sit boy!

Zelos collapses to the ground.

Sheena: I'm sorry Neil about all this.

Neil: Not a problem, I can't get fired for my sexual orientation. Otherwise I'll get a lawyer and the entire city will be down on their knees begging for my forgiveness. It works out ok.

Zelos rises back up.

Zelos: You're relentless! You shall be the death of me!

Lloyd: Neil, you head back to Palmacosta and settle all this. Mithos, let's go back to the Renegade Base.

Mithos: Sweet! … I mean, lovely.

Neil: So long, hope to see you again.

Zelos: Bite me!

They go to the Renegade Base.

Mithos: I'm gonna stay outside for no particular reason as far as you're concerned.

Lloyd: Ok.

They enter.

Yuan: You've returned.

Lloyd: …Yeah … um … this is gonna be hard … remember that guy you were always with who use to be alive?

Yuan: … Botta's dead, isn't he?

Colette: Yes, he wanted you to know that the mission is complete.

Yuan: … You got my PSP back?

Raine: … What?

Yuan: I take it you FORGOT to bring it back?

Lloyd: …Botta is dead.

Yuan: If he were alive, he would pay severely for not retrieving my precious handheld gaming device.

Regal: You're an ass.

Yuan: Get out of here! You can go back to Tethe'alla if you want.

Lloyd: You are such a meanie beanie fo feanie, you jerk!

Zelos: Lloyd, let it go. He's just hiding his true feelings, he doesn't need to shed tears.

Lloyd: … Fine.

Raine: Oh, Yuan. A friend of ours came by and took a couple of your Rheairds, we'll put them back on our way out.

Yuan: … Uhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhh, ok? Just … leave them by the hanger.

Lloyd: Sorry.

They leave.

Yuan: … All our Rheairds are already in the hanger … what's goin on here?

He looks around. Stares for a while. Then closes his door and cries.

Yuan: Goddam stupid Botta! Can't do anything right! Now I don't have my PSP or my best friend! Especially my PSP! … Oh well … at least I have my DS … But not Botta ... seems like only yesterday when we first met ...

Flashback!

_Yuan: Hi, I'm Yuan._

_Botta: Nice to meet you, I'm Botta._

_Yuan: Wanna become my Second in Command in the fight against Cruxis?_

_Botta: Sure._

_Yuan: Super._

End Flashback.

Yuan: ... Wait, that's not how we met ... crap I can't remember ...

How they really met flashback!

_Botta: Hi, I'm Botta._

_Yuan: Yeah, that's nice ... _

_Botta: ... How's it goin?_

_Yuan: I'm good ... need anything?_

_Botta: I'm here to apply for the Second in Command in the fight against Cruxis position, am I in the right office?_

_Yuan: Huh ... oh, yeah. Let me see your application ... uh huh ... hmm ... no, I don't like the color of the pen you used to write on this paper. Sorry, NEXT!_

_Botta: No one else is here._

_Yuan: Crap ... ... do you mind if I completely forge your name from time to time?_

_Botta: Not at all._

_Yuan: Welcome aboard then!_

Yuan: ... Oh well. At least Botta's in a better place … I would think that if I wasn't so agnostic.

Back at the Island Ranch near the area where the scene began, near the giant closed window where the gang saw Botta and his companions; the metal cover cracked, and water forced itself out, making it collapse. From the rubble, Botta and his henchman, apparently named Rob, appear and get out of the control room.

Botta: I knew we'd survive.

Rob: Was it necessary to EAT Rick?

Botta: For the 5th and final time … yes, it was.

Rob: We were only in there for half an hour!

Botta: I have a low blood sugar, if I don't eat, I go ballistic.

Rob: I see.

Botta: Let's just leave, the Chosen's group got out somehow … I wonder … Oh, up there … how do we get up ther-

They see the many dragons flying high.

Botta: We'll ride those dragons up there! Grab your weapon-

Rob: Sir, you ate our weapons, we're completely defenseless... we'll have to rely on your magic, how much TP you have left?

Botta: 5.

Rob: Oh dear.

Dragons: Roar!

Botta: … Shit.

**END**


	34. Funny Breakfast Fiasco II

**I'm Hungry!**

_Yup, the Tales of Symphonia entourage is hungry first thing in the morning. As they should, without a proper breakfast of a Cheerios and Dr. Pepper, no one will have enough energy to start their day, and fight evil. And so, another Breakfast Fiasco. This takes place in the woods when it's just Lloyd, Genis, Raine, Sheena, Colette, and Kratos. I love this area in the game, because Colette has lost her annoying voice. Peace out:_

The sun shines upon Lloyds face, he gets irritated, rises from his sleep and yells at the sun telling it to turn off it's headlights. Genis then too awakens, only to bonk Lloyd on the head and knock him out. Then the two of them went back to sleep. An hour later, Kratos woke both of them up and told them to get ready for breakfast. Raine, Sheena and Mute Colette soon joined them. They all gathered near a chopped down tree, set plates on it as a table, and … just sat there.

Raine: So … anybody got some leftover food?

Kratos: All I have is half a squirrel and a week old granola bar that was half eaten by that very squirrel.

Lloyd: I have pocket lent.

Genis: No you don't, I ate that last night … now I have a tummy ache.

Lloyd: That could've been my tummy ache!

Colette: …

Lloyd: What's that Colette? You sense food?

Colette points at a bird on a tree, and looks it only because she finds it cute. Sheena's Summon Spirit, Corrine, jumps up the tree and tries to catch the bird. The bird is smart however, it avoids his attack and grabs Corrine and flies away.

Sheena: … Damn, now I'll need to get a new one.

Lloyd: Wait! I know, we could … uh … use big green Corrine to find food!

Genis: You mean Noishe, your pet dog who you've known ever since you were a baby and love more than all your Power Rangers action figures combined?

Lloyd: Yeah, that thing! Come here boy.

Noishe: Ruff?

Lloyd: Let's go find some food.

Noishe: Ruff ruff!

Noishe wanders into the woods. The others are left behind, waiting for a return.

Kratos: So, what shall we do to pass the time?

Lloyd: I know, let's play a game. How about Simon Says? Colette, you'll start. You just TELL us what to … do …. Oh.

Colette: …

Genis: Dammit Lloyd.

Lloyd: I'm sorry! How about … Truth or Dare? Colette, Truth or …. Dammit!

Colette grabbed Lloyd's hand and started scribbling in it.

Lloyd: … I … D … O … T, wait … No, N... T, wait that's not a T, stop! Move slower, I can't read that fast.

Genis: Colette, maybe you should do that to someone who actually can read.

Lloyd: Shut up. I … Don't … Wanna … Play … Anything … Thanks … Though …. …. I'm Sorry.

Raine: Lloyd sure knows how to kill a couple of minutes. Look, Noishe has returned.

Noishe came back with something in it's mouth. Lloyd walked up to him and pulled it out. He then looked at it for a while … then bonked hiss dog on the head.

Lloyd: I don't want a damn acorn!

Sheena: Lloyd!

Lloyd: We are humans, not squirrels!

Kratos: Speaking of squirrels-

Lloyd: Noishe! Don't comeback until you bring me a berry or a dead thing! Now go!

Noishe sadly leaves.

Raine: Lloyd! Colette's a vegetarian and might like acorns!

Lloyd: Well, she should've said something!

Colette: …

Lloyd: Sorry.

Raine: I say we eat Lloyd?

Genis: What!? You can't do that.

Lloyd: Awww, such devotion to your best friend.

Genis: Lloyd would taste awful.

Lloyd: ... Ouch… wait, I think I taste awesome!

Genis: You haven't taken a bath in 2 months!

Lloyd: Well, we've been on a pilgrimage; it's hard to find time to shower or bath.

Raine: We've only been adventuring for three weeks.

Lloyd: … Well, that's a different matter all together.

Sheena: Eating humans is barbaric, you guys are nuts.

Kratos: I ate the squirrel.

Sheena: How about we eat tree bark.

Lloyd: And you call US barbaric?

Kratos: Did anybody hear me?

Kratos starts spitting out foam.

Sheena: Nothing's barbaric about eating tree bark.

Lloyd: That's tree skin! You're eating a tree's fleshy skin! That's barbaric, to trees.

Raine: Why is it we always have such stupid conversations when we are hungry?

Kratos: I think I have rabies.

Kratos passes out.

Lloyd: …Kratos!? … you've had whipped cream this whole time and didn't share!?

Raine: I think he's passed out.

Sheena: Eat him then why don't you!

Raine: Oh, hahaha, REALLY funny miss "Can't shut up." He needs medical treatment.

Noishe returns with a rock.

Lloyd: … You're just doing this to get back at me for forgetting your name, aren't you?

Noishe nods his head for yes.

Lloyd: Thought so. Well, cut it out, we gotta go to a hospital.

Noishe led the others to a nearby hospital, where Kratos had several operations, which were incredibly painful. Just to make him hurt more, they took out his tonsils for no reason. But, the others were ok, because they finally found some food, at the hospital cafeteria.

Lloyd: Boy, this is great.

Sheena: Well, that was a giant hassle.

Genis: Especially when we were halfway to the hospital, but we had to head back to pick up Colette because someone forgot her … Lloyd.

Lloyd: It's not my fault, she should've said she was being left behin-

Raine: Lloyd, we went over this, she can only communicate by writing in your hand.

Lloyd: … Well then she should've written in my hand that we were leaving her behind.

Everyone: …

Raine: That's it, from now on, you're wearing a helmer whenever you go into combat.

Lloyd: Aww, man ... that'll mess up my spikey hair.

Kratos rolled in on his wheelchair.

Kratos: You realize of course I'm going to have to kill every single one of you to relieve my agonizing pai-

Raine lodges an apple into Kratos' mouth.

Raine: There, now you have food. Relax and eat, you'll feel better.

Kratos: Fine ... The sad outcome of this lil mishap is that now I like squirrel meat.

**End**


	35. Funny Alternate Palmacosta School Event

**Slow Times At Palmacosta High **

_While looking for something in Palmacosta, Genis wanders his group into the school Genis was accepted into. Only to find out it is full of pricks. Enjoy:_

Lloyd, Genis, Colette, Ms. Raine, Sheena and Kratos wander into the school for no reason.

Lloyd: Hey Genis, weren't you suppose to go to this school?

Genis: Yeah, I was accepted and I wanted to go but Raine told me it was so freakin far away and that she wasn't going to make the long trips back and forward just so I can get a freakin education. Her exact words.

Raine: I find it hard to believe my pronunciation of the English language would be that absurd.

Kratos: So, you didn't say any of that?

Raine: Everything except "freakin".

Genis: Well, anyway, yeah, I was accepted here.

Two nerds walk to them.

Nerd 1 (Mighty): I say, I didn't know they started letting special children into our fine unisersity.

Lloyd: Hey! Genis is super holy hell smart! He knows all the ABCs, capitol and lowercase.

Colette: Lloyd, he knows much more than that. He knows about the laws of nature, mana consumption, traits of foreign animals, and properties of physics-

Raine: How to cook, how to find the square root of pie without really trying, how to kill spiders using magic-

Lloyd: And he can print AND write in cursive!

Mighty: All right, we get it!

Nerd 2 (I don't know his name): Yeah, we get that even stupid kids can know SOME things!

Both: Huah ha ha ha.

Sheena (Whispers to Genis): Hey, if ya give me a hundred gald, I'll kill the both of them while they sleep. No problem.

Genis: Thanks Sheena, but these two aren't worth it. I don't care what they think of me, all I have to know is I'm smarter than they are, then I feel better.

Mighty: Is that so! Then let us test your skills with a challenge!

Lloyd: What kind of challenge. If it involves running or hitting a ball in anyway, Genis will most surely loose.

Mighty: Sports have no purpose within these halls! We shall have a test of mind skills! We'll take a test, whoever scores higher, will be deemed superior. What say you?

Genis: I really don't wan-

Lloyd: He'll do it, no problem!

Genis: Lloyd!

Lloyd: What, show them what you got!

Kratos: Weren't we supposed to be looking for a book to help us look for the Seals?

Raine: Oh don't worry Kratos, a little side quest never hurt anybody.

Mighty: I'll go get a teacher and get him to make it official. Be back in an hour.

They leave.

Genis: I haven't studied in a while.

Raine: Don't worry, we'll all study with you, there might be an empty classroom we can use.

Lloyd: …All of us?

Colette: Oh boy, I missed getting lectures from the Professor.

Sheena: Hell no! I'm 19, I'm done learning.

Kratos: I just plain don't want to.

Raine: YOU'RE ALL GONNA HELP AND YOU'RE ALL GONNA LIKE IT! OK!?

Lloyd: … Fine. But I won't remember or learn ANYTHING! Just to let you know!

Raine: Fair enough. Let's find a room.

They go up the stairs and find an empty class room. They enter in and each take a seat.

Raine: Ok, let's start with basic chemistry fundamentals. We'll start by asking questions that have nothing to do with that matter. Here!

They studied until it was time for the match. So they left that room and entered a different one. Raine and the Headmaster stood and will grade the exams as the rest take the test.

Head Master: Ok, prepare yourselves.

Mighty: Prepare to be outwitted my young stupid friend. Don't let the door hurt you on your way back to Hill Billy Ville.

Genis: Bring it, Bitch.

Raine: Good luck.

Lloyd: Piece of cake.

The Tales of Symphonia Memory Quiz:

1. Who was the narrator for the opening scene of the game?

2. Who creates holes in the classroom and in a building in Triet?

3. Which character looks like he could've been from Fire Emblem?

4. What is Yuan's weapon called?

5. What is Botta's weapon called?

6. If Sheena could be any kind of bread, what would Zelos put on her?

7. Why does Kratos hate tomatoes?

8. Who created the lie about the World Regeneration Ritual and the Goddess Martel?

9. Why didn't anybody like Kazaam?

10. Someone you meet on your journey claims to have the same hairstyle as who?

Bonus. Name a cliché within the game, any will do.

Lloyd: …CRAP!

Sheena: This is stupid; this asks us to remember things that haven't even happened yet and things that are irrelevant entirely!

Raine: If you can't remember things that haven't happened yet or things that aren't important, then you didn't deserve a GED.

Colette: You graduated high school Sheena?

Sheena: Yup, straight B Minuses.

Lloyd: Show off.

Raine: You all have 15 minutes.

Head Master: Begin.

They begin answering questions. Kratos finished his test in less that ten seconds.

Lloyd: _Wow, Kratos is good and really smart. Wonder what his strategy is?_

Sheena: _Man, this is hard. I have no choice I have to cheat. I'll use my CheatinJutsu to find the answers. _Corrine.

Corrine appears.

Corrine: Yes Sheena?

Sheena: Go near Kratos, and see what he wrote. Then tell me.

Corrine: Ok Sheena.

Corrien does so, quickly glances, comes back to Sheena and whispers the answers to her. She finished her test in a couple of minutes. Genis completed his test, Colette finished after. Lloyd looked nervous.

Lloyd: _Oh man! If I don't finish, everyone's gonna make fun of me. And my self esteem will crumble. Gotta act fast. I have an idea! It's complex and may take sometime, but it might work … _Professor! Can I use the resroom?

Raine: No.

Lloyd: DAMMIT! _Well, there goes my plan._ _I'll just write whatever._

Lloyd finished just before the timer went out.

Raine: Ok, now we will grade the tests.

Minutes pass.

Head Master: The results are in. Lloyd received a score of 100.

Lloyd: AWESOME!

Head Master: Colette recived a 750.

Lloyd: What? It's not our of 100?

Genis: It's out of 1000.

Lloyd: … Damn.

Head Master: Nerd 2 received a 800. Kratos recived a 0.

Everyone: What!?

Kratos: Heh, I was expecting that. I just answered all my questions by writing "I don't care."

Sheena: Damn, I wish I didn't copy off of him.

Head Master: Sheena received a 0. Now it's time for the results of these two to be announced.

Genis and Mighty: GULP.

Head Master: Mighty received a 900. Genis received a ……………………..

Genis: TELL US!

Head Master: 950!

Lloyd: Al right! You did it!

Colette: way to go Genis.

Sheena: Yeah! Screw you kid with glasses!

Mighty: Well, I guess you are very smart after all. I apologize.

Genis: Thanks.

Head Master: You are very smart for a boy with a girly voice. Very intelligent.

Raine: He sure is.

Head Master: You were accepted here months ago, would you like to study here effective immediately?

Mighty: Yes please! We can learn so much and play Dungeons and Dragons instead of getting dates.

Genis: Wow, that does sound nice.

Lloyd: … Ye … yeah, it's good Genis. I'm happy for you.

Genis: I'm not gonna stay now. I'm gonna help you guys still. I would never leave your side Lloyd.

Lloyd: Genis.

Genis: Heh.

Nerd 2: COUGHgayCOUGH.

Sheena: I think it's sweet.

Head Master: Well whatever, you can come whenever you choose.

Mighty: Yeah, then you can join our debate team and other stuff. It'll be fun!

Nerd 2: I still think this kid doesn't have what it takes to make it here. A couple of good answers and the Head Master automatically think he's a genius! Blastphomy.

Mighty: Nerd 2!

Nerd 2: I have a name! But that's not important, I just have to say this kid isn't Palmacosta material and I say Go Back Where You Came from you wuss!

Lloyd: That's it!!!

Lloyd charges for him, Genis stops him.

Genis: It's ok, Lloyd, if I wanna grow up, I just have to accept the fact that many people aren't always going to be so easily accepting of others. I hope some day you can look past our differences and we can become acquaintances. Until then, I guess I'll have to be the bigger man, and leave with dignity. Come guys, let's go.

Raine: Al right.

They exit the room.

Genis: Sigh …. Lloyd, go beat him up.

Lloyd: No prob. Let's go guys.

Lloyd, Kratos and Sheena re-enter the room and begin their onslaught.

Colette: You ok Genis?

Genis: Yeah, I'm fine. It was pretty fun.

In the room, we hear the Nerd's cries of pain.

Nerd 2: WHAT ARE YOU GUYS- OWWWW!

Lloyd: Grab his knees!

Back outside the room, the others are enjoying not being inside the pain room..

Raine: Hopefully people like that'll learn to grow up.

Nerd 2: OW! STOP, PLEASE OWW!

Sheena: Eat paper!

Kratos: Stop squirming, you'll only feel more pain.

Genis: Oh well, I'm glad to have such great friends like you guys to cheer me up.

Nerd 2: OWWW, not my small intestines! They're on fire!

Sheena: Stand Still!

Lloyd: Demon Fang!

Mighty: Wow, this is more entertaining than that one time Rupert read out loud his report on how he thought World of Warcraft prevents Nerd Cancer.

Head Master: It would've gotten an A+ if he remember that spelling counted as part of the overall grade.

Nerd 2: WHY WON'T ANYONE HELP ME!!!!!!

Genis: OK GUYS, I THINK THAT'S ENOUGH!.

Lloyd: Ok!

The three come out, very proud of the fact they beat up a kid half their size.

Genis: Let's leave and continue with the original plot.

Lloyd: Right on.

They leave the academy. Nerd 2 is knocked out. Mighty stand over him … then for no reason, kicks him.

Head Master: Times like this, I wish our school wasn't founded by a gorilla.

**END **

…Oh, ok. Here are the answers!

1. Kratos.

2. Colette.

3. Kratos.

4. A Swallow.

5. A Sword. DUH.

6. Philadelphia Cream Cheese with jam.

7. Because they touched him inappropriately.

8. The Government. Mithos Yggdrassil would've also been acceptable.

9. Because it was boring.

10. Someone you meet on your journey claims to have the same hairstyle as Lloyd.

Bonus. Any one of these would've been acceptable:

Morals about discrimination, only one person can save the world, love story possibilities, angels bad?, ninjas, plot twists, character who looks gay, strong little girl, dumbass main character, etc.

If you missed more than 2, you are a failure. And failing is punishable by death… Eh, I don't care.

**END (FOR REAL)**


	36. Funny Alternate Altessa Meet

**Hurdy Gurdy Pinkerdy Girl**

_Here's when they reach Ozette and realize There's Something About Presea. Spoilerz:_

They wander through Ozette until they find Presea's house, when she and that guy whose name is Rodyle are talking, but the main characters don't know that since they haven't heard it used in a cut scene with them in it…. Whatever. Anyway, Lloyd and the group interrupt their conversation.

????: … So anyway I switched from wearing blue socks to green socks, I have a theory that they- Oh, are these friends of yours.

Presea: No.

????: Oh, ok. Anyway, I believe green socks are made out of vegetables so they can-

Genis: Presea! You need to have a key-

Lloyd: What the Hell is your problem Presea!

Genis: … Lloyd?

Lloyd: Presea, why the Hell did you just run from us! We came all the way out to this smelly place, FOR YOU, and you just wander off. You have some nerve-

Genis: Lloyd! Shut up! I'm trying to convince Presea to let us help her by getting a key crest.

Lloyd: ….Well, the way she's been acting lately, I don't think she deserves a soul.

Colette: Lloyd, everything deserves a soul. Like babies, and bunnies, and pebbles, and turtles, and cotton candy sticks, and gummy worms, and non gummy worms-

Regal: I know I'm the new guy here, but may I suggest not letting yourselves get distracted by minor conversations.

Colette: And lamp shades, and empty soda cans, and street lights, and bears, and-

Presea: I have to go now.

Genis: Wait no!

Colette: And pieces of paper, and glue sticks, and-

Zelos: And cameras, and boobies, and bean bag chairs and-

Everyone: …

Zelos: … Colette's game seemed fun. I was just … trying to interact … you know … STOP LOOKING AT ME!

Presea: Good bye.

She enters her house.

Lloyd: See, the rudeness, she didn't give US a chance to say good bye back.

Raine: Lloyd, you don't know crap about manners, so stop pretending like you do.

Lloyd: … Ok.

????: … I'm gonna go now.

Sheena: Wait! Who are you?

????: Oh, I make sure Presea gathers the sacred wood for the rituals, and I certainly wasn't using her for Cruxis Crystal research so I can make a Cruxis Crystal and take over the world or anything like that. And, I'm certainly not a Desian, though I am evil... I mean, not evil ... Goodbye.

He leaves.

Lloyd: He seems trustworthy.

Raine: Let's go into Presea's house. She might have food.

They go into Presea's house, see her wandering around doing nothing. She then stops near someone "Sleeping".

Genis: Who's that guy?

Raine: Let me check.

Raine checks out the body … it's dead.

Raine: … Eww.

Lloyd: What is it Professor.

Raine: Th – this man … is dead.

Lloyd: …WHAT ... THE!?

Zelos: Dude, not cool!

Sheena: Presea killed someone!?

Raine: No, I think he was just old … or suffered from a disease or something.

I forgot how he died, and I refuse to look up specific details on non-important matters. I'm not Wiki Freakin Pedia.

Regal: Poor Presea.

Raine: The value of her crappy house just went down sooo much.

Regal: …

Raine: … OH, and she'll be going through much psychological stress once we get her soul back and she realizes she's been living with her dead dad. THAT'S what makes her a "Poor Presea".

Everyone gives her an mean glare, showing how much they think she's a jerk.

Raine: Hey, I'm trying.

They get the Hell out of the house.

Raine: Ok, here's the plan … we leave Ozette, and never come back.

Lloyd: But, what about Presea?

Raine: What about her?

Lloyd: She needs a key crest!

Raine: And I hope she gets one, but we're way too busy to help her.

Zelos: Really now? And what on our schedule is so dire and important that we can't move it to later so we can help our lil cutie now?

Raine: Are you all forgetting we're supposed to find a way to save the worlds? We can't do that if we keep getting side tracked by helping out minor main characters all the time.

Genis: Screw the worlds! I'm not gonna leave Presea in that house with that dead guy and assume everything is going to be ok! We have to save her!

Everyone: … Awwwww.

Genis: Shut up!

Zelos: That is like so sweet, if I weren't so sure you were a little boy who likes OTHER little boys, I could think you had a lil crush on our lil Presea.

Genis: This coming from you?

Zelos: Watch it brat!

Lloyd: Look! Why don't we go to that Altessa guy and see if he can help us?

Zelos: Who?

Lloyd: The only other Dwarf in the game other than my Dad.

Regal: It's worth a try, he's gotta say yes.

They leave Ozette and go to Altessa's house. There, they meet Tabatha, the girl who speaks very softly yet her subtitles are all caps, and Altessa, that 2nd Only Dwarf character in the game.

Lloyd: Hey, will you help Presea?

Altessa: No.

Lloyd: …Well, I tried.

Regal: Wait, why not?

Altessa: Because.

He just walks away.

Lloyd: Hey, come back! Man, RUDE!

He heads towards him, Tabatha gets in his way.

Tabatha: STOP. THE MASTER DOES NOT WISH TO HELP YOU FOR THE TIME BEING, MAYBE LATER.

Lloyd: What is up with your voice?

Tabatha: PLEASE, COME BACK LATER.

Lloyd: Did a 14 year old online chatter write the text for your subtitles? Honestly, ALL caps?

Raine: Lloyd, let's leave.

Lloyd: K. But where are we suppose to get a key crest now?

Tabahta: TO MAKE A KEY CREST, YOU WILL NEED INHIBITOR ORE.

Lloyd: Ah, I see. THANK YOU TABATHA FOR THE AWESOME ADVICE!

Tabatha: WHY ARE YOU YELLING?

Lloyd: … I …. I was just … nevermind.

They leave.

Lloyd: Where do you find Inhibitor Ore?

Regal: I … HEARD it can be found in the Toize Valley Mine in the Chocolate Mountains. We'll take the EC over seas pass Altamira, a place I definitely do not want to go to, and make it to the land near the mines.

Zelos: Ooooooh! I love that resort! Girls dressed as bunnies, girls near the beach, girls in hotels! We gotta stop by!

Sheena: We don't have time to stop near that God awful resort.

Lloyd: Yeah, we have to help Presea-

Zelos: They have roller coasters.

Lloyd: …Well, I think Presea can wait.

Genis: Lloyd! You don't even know what a roller coaster is!

Lloyd: Do too! It's one of those things rich people put underneath their glasses of water so it won't leave a mark on whatever the place it upon.

Genis: … You can not be this dumb … it's just not possible.

Colette: I think we should leave now.

Lloyd: …Fine … what are we doing again?

They leave Altessa's place. Regal is behind, and Zelos confronts him.

Zelos: Hey, just wondering, you know, to add a little bit forshadowing here … have we met before?

Regal: …

Regal leaves.

Zelos: Wow … what a jerk. Rude!

**End (kind of)**


	37. Funny Summer Beach Special

**Wish They All Could Be Symphonia Girls**

_Summer Fun in the sun for the TOS main characters, they take a break from saving their worlds and decide to go to the beach at Regal's resort, get some sun, make sand castles … other stuff people do at the beach. Anyways, enjoy the break Lloyd and friends, YOU ALL EARNED IT. I mean you guys fight freaking Golems for God's sakes. Anyway, relax:_

Everyone's in their beach wear near the warm beach at Altameira. They all walk together as a group, they see the crisp blue ocean, nice golden sand, busty bikini babes, and creepy speedo wearing men.

Lloyd: Wow, it sure is nice here, right guys.

Raine: It's "ok."

Genis: What's wrong Sis?

Raine: What do you think is wrong, you have a girl with a phobia of water, near the beach.

Regal: Don't worry, we're just near the end of an ocean, not in the ocean or anything, the water can't get you from here.

Raine: … Thanks Regal, that helped.

Genis: Unless of course we get a giant tidal wave to come and sweep us away.

Raine: Eeeeek!

Regal: That mostly occurs during full moons I believe … at night time. It's 1 'o clock in the afternoon.

Raine: … whew, I'm a scholar, I should al ready know this stuff.

Zelos: Even though there are no tides, there's still a lot to be afraid of, like sharks, and eels, and sting ray, and whales, and pirates and-

Sheena gives Zelos her evil glare, and Zelos … STILL wouldn't stop talking.

Zelos: And also outside the city there are lots of monsters, maybe some with thunder power, what if THEY come near the ocean side and shock and kill everyone here? Also not to mention it can REALLY mess up your hair-

Sheena: SIGH. Hey, look, women.

Zelos quickly runs towards them and tries to woo them.

Raine: … Thanks.

Lloyd: I dunno what's scarier, all the things Zelos said, or his speedo.

Zelos is chatting it up with the babes while the others go near some beach chairs, where Sheena and Raine sit down. Sheena lays down and Raine cannot help but notice Sheena's swimsuit.

Raine: My … that certainly is an … INTERESTING swimsuit you have on Sheena.

Sheena: Yeah, it's the only one they had I guess, I think it's kinda cool. What do you guys think.

Lloyd starts at her revealing areas and turns red.

Lloyd: It's uhh … ni- nice. I guess.

Colette: Yeah … it's cute.

Genis: You've got to be the most whored out video game character I've ever seen.

Raine: Genis!

Genis: Honestly, you make Tifa Lockheart look like a nun. You should be in a Dead or Alive Volleyball game. You could kick that Tomb Raider chick's ass.

Sheena blushes from embarassment and flattery.

Raine: Oh come on, she's not that, you're over exaggerating.

Sheena then feels sad.

Lloyd: Professor, be nice, she's hot, VERY hot, sot hot I-

He realizes what he's saying and stops. Colette, Genis, Presea, Regal, Sheena, Raine and even Zelos from really far away stare at him as he blushes till he's as red as his patented red clothes.

Lloyd: Ahhh- HEY, Zelos wait up!

He runs to Zelos and his hunnies. Raine quickly changes the subject.

Raine: God I wish the sun would die already.

Genis: You were never the type of girl who would get tans often.

Raine: It seemed like a waste of time, why lay in the sun when you can read a book.

Sheena: I do both.

Genis: Raine's books are too big to hold over you while you lay down and get some sun.

Regal: I rarely got any sun on me either.

Genis: Why? You don't like the sun either?

Regal: Actually, I rarely went outside much because I was in prison.

Genis: … Oh … oh yeah.

That killed the mood.

Regal: … How come I'm the only guy who's not not wearing a shirt?

Sheena: Cuss all the fangirls would go crazy.

Sheena and Raine giggle, Regal appears to be blushing.

Regal: I'm pretty sure I don't have too many fangirls.

Genis: Unlike Zelos over there.

Zelos and Lloyd are chatting it up with 5 beach girls. Here, Zelos is teaching Lloyd how to "pick up on chicks." ... Oh dear.

Zelos: Look Lloyd, let me do all the talking, until I say YOU can talk, then you do all the talking, unless their talking, in which case, don't talk at all. Got it?

Lloyd: ... I'm just not gonna talk like ... at all.

Zelos: Good boy. Ladies, this is my good ol' sport Lloyd, he's from Sylverant.

Lady 1: Eww, that place is gross.

Zelos: Did I say Sylverant, haha, silly me. I meant Syl … Silver …. Silver City, New Mexico.

All Ladies: Oh.

Lloyd: Where?

Zelos smacks Lloyd on the back laughing then whispering.

Zelos: Be cool, people in Tethe'alla still don't like Sylverant REMEMBER, so I saved you.

Lloyd: From what?

Zelos: From not being able to score.

Lloyd: Why would I want to … "score" with someone who wouldn't like where I'm from.

Zelos points his head at the fine babes in front of them, all luscious and beautiful. They're an unrealistic view of real women, who have nice boobs, revealing cleavage, nice hair, etc. Anyway after the glare, he looks back at Lloyd and he STILL doesn't understand. So Zelos goes ballistic.

Zelos: YOU MORON! I'm TRYING to help you get laid with one of these sluts! You idiot!

Lloyd: Oh, I get it now … what girls?

They both look and they all left and went to Regal.

Zelos: Ahhhh! Ladies wait! You're not sluts, I'm a slut! No!

Lloyd: Wow, Regal's popular with the ladies.

Regal wonders what all these women are doing near him.

Lady 1: Wow, you're a hunk.

Lady 2: Nice abs.

Lady 3: Are you a surfer?

Regal: No, not at all.

Lady 3: Oh, a rebel.

Lady 4: What do you do?

Regal: Not much, I'm president of the company that owns this resort..

All Ladies: Ohhhhhh!

Lloyd: I think Sheena thinks I like like her, what should I do?

Zelos: Frankly my dear Lloyd, I don't give a damn.

Colette: Hey Lloyd, me and Genis are gonna make a Sand Castle, wanna come?

Lloyd: Sure, wanna help Zelos?

Zelos: … Hehehe, yeah … sure … I'll come LATER.

Zelos wanders off.

Genis: …What was that about?

Lloyd: Oh, he's just ticked off because for once he's gonna have to hang out with us without picking up on women. Let's go.

Lloyd and the others walk to another side of the beach while Zelos walks the lonely walk of rejection.

Zelos: Sigh, poor little me, all alone with no one to care for … except for my friends over there building a gay sand castle, and the women of our group- Oh that's right. Tee hee, my busty Sheena and fair beauty Raine are all alone. Zelos mode activate!

Zelos runs to where Sheena and Raine are relaxing on some beach chairs, while Presea sits in the sand.

Zelos: Hello hunnies.

Presea: Oh, hi Zelos.

Zelos: My little rosebud, why aren't you out building a sand castle with Lloyd, Colette, and Little Brat?

Presea: You cannot construct a castle with simple toys as tools.

Zelos: It's not a REAL castle, it's a little one for pretend.

Presea: Oh … I see …

Zelos: You gonna go?

Presea: Yes … … … … … … … … … …

Zelos: … Now?

Presea: In a moment … … … … … …

Zelos glares at Sheena's glorious rack and starts sweating, the anxiousness to glare at her boobs longer is driving him crazy. Normally he'd have no trouble hitting on her in front of everyone, but he just wants Presea to go away. She still sits. He then glares at Raine, whose bust is not as big but just as nice and she's quite a looker and gives the whole "sexy librarian" idea into his head, Zelos can hardly contain himself- But he does. She STILL sits, doing nothing!!!!!!!!

Presea: … …. … … Ok.

She stands up, and slowly walks away. Zelos gives a joyish yippy and runs to be sitting by their side … until Sheena interrupts.

Sheena: One move towards us and I'll summon Volt to shoots thunder balls, aiming for your ridiculous speedo.

Raine: And I will not heal you until our time at the beach is over.

Zelos: Awwwwwwwwwwwwwwwwwwww!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

Zelos leaves, passing by Regal and HIS hunnies.

Zelos: Arrgghhhhh!!!!!

Regal: I wonder what's wrong with Zelos?

Hunny 2: Oh forget him, he's a big meanie who yelled at his "special friend".

Regal: Oh. Ok.

Meanwhile, at the sand castle construction.

Lloyd: And here's where the laser cannons will be. And over here we'll have the giant tanks.

Genis: You're vision of a sand castle isn't very nice, or reasonable.

Colette: Have you ever built a sand castle before Presea?

Presea: I made a castle out of the giant sand box made of salt and pepper I had in my backyard, my old pet dog would spit on it to make it stick. Would that count?

Colette: … Yeah … yeah, that would count.

Lloyd: Heh, I thought I was poor.

One hour later, they are finished building a … not very good sand castle, but not too bad either.

Lloyd: Yay! We made an average sand castle, I feel great pride!

Colette: Because we all put our hearts into it.

Presea: Maybe YOU did.

Genis: Oh well, twas a good way to kill an hour.

Zelos appears out of no where and jumps all over it.

Lloyd: What the!?

Zelos keeps stomping on it till it's no more. Colette is crying and the others just stare at the destruction.

Zelos: Hahahahahahaa! I'm destroying your sand castle, haha! I'm ruining your day, ahahahahaha-

All of Regal's groupies look at Zelos with disgust and walk away, Regal stays, and looks mad.

Regal: You defiled a childhood pleasure of building a kingdom to a realm of magic and wonder. You've gone to far, and must pay with a severe ass kicking.

Zelos: Eeeek.

Zelos runs like hell as Regal puts his new sandals on a test run (yes … sandals.)

Lloyd: Sigh … Oh well, we can always build another sand castle.

And they do, and it's slightly better, but still horrid. Sheena and Raine wake up from being in the sun for hours and walk over to see their castle.

Sheena: Wow, that's horrible.

Raine: I've never been more disappointed to be apart of this group.

Lloyd: Holy Hell, what happened to you guys?

They both got sun burn to an incredible degree.

Raine and Sheena: … Oh no! Dammit!

Presea: Oh dear, you two forgot your sun tan lotion.

Sheena: I was so sure we put SOMETHING on.

She looks at the container and reads it.

Sheena: Dammit Lloyd!

Lloyd: What?

Sheena: It's your hair gel!!

Lloyd: ... Whoops.

Genis: You use hair gel?

Lloyd: Yeah. These spikes ain't natural.

Sheena: I should summon Undine right now to cause a giant ass wave to come and take you away … but I feel soo much pain and I'm tired, I wanna leave.

Raine: Me too.

Colette: Me too.

Genis: Yeah … the beach sucks.

Regal: It's not THAT bad.

Lloyd: Let's just go back to the hotel- Regal! When'd you get back?

Regal: After I buried Zelos 6 feet under.

Sheena: Sigh … we better go get him … tomorrow.

Raine: Yeah, I'll go back and see if I can heal sunburn.

Lloyd: Fine.

They all leave for the hotel, and leave Zelos stuck under the sand. Don't worry, he's fine. Though after they dug him out, he's built quite a fine taste for sand. And they rarely ever want to go to the beach again, although all the males still want Sheena to wear her swimsuit on a regular basis, which she will, as long as there is a ten foot pole between her and Zelos.

**teh End **


	38. Funny Summer Beach Special Commentary

**Chosen Zelos' Director Commentary Tu (2)**

Hello, Chosen Zelos again. And I'll be giving you the commentary for the scene entitled "Wish They All Could Be Symphonia Girls" parodied off the Beach Boys tune "Wish They All Could Be California Girls". It wasn't very clever, then again no one looks at my titles anyway. Oh well, that was the scene where everyone went to the beach in their beach costumes. It had some sort of summer theme, even though I wrote it around August and that's when Summer is almost over for some people, but I didn't really care. Anyways, joining us tonight is a very special young lady. With us is lil lumber jack, Presea Combatir.

Presea: Thank you for letting me join you in a lame attempt to write a story that's not really a story but a follow up to a recent story that you felt would be just as good because you're lazy.

Nice to see you too. Granted, you had a very little part in this episode, but then again, you're very little in almost everything. Hehehe.

Presea: It wasn't funny the last six million seventy two hundred and six times you said that joke, and it's not funny now.

... Let's just start.

_Genis: Unless of course we get a giant tidal wave to come and sweep us away._

_Raine: Eeeeek!_

Oh crap, it was going on while we were talking?

Presea: Yes, I didn't say anything about that since I wanted to finish my previous sentence, then it slipped my mind somewhat.

That's ok, I suppose.

_Sheena gives Zelos her evil glare, and Zelos … STILL wouldn't stop talking._

Eeek!

Presea: What's wrong?

…That always scares ME.

Presea: The real Zelos seemed completely unaffected by this.

In that scene I wanted to show how by the length of their travels, their little traits sometimes affect each other, and sometimes they don't. Zelos has seen that look so many times, he's immune to it, and hence, can't be scared.

Presea: He always was a glutton for punishment.

_Raine: … Thanks._

_Zelos is chatting it up with the babes while the others go near some beach chairs, where Sheena and Raine sit down._

_Raine: My … that certainly is an … INTERESTING swimsuit you have on Sheena._

_Sheena: Yeah, it's the only one they had I guess, I think it's kinda cool._

Presea: … Mr. CZ?

…

Presea: You seem VERY focused on this scene.

…

Presea: Because you're not saying anything and looking at Sheena's chest.

…

Presea: I could say anything right now and you wouldn't hear it. I could say the only difference between you and a spider, is that the spider craps out something useful … ... ... ... ... ... ... ... see, the spider's but pushes out web strings to make webs for it's children. All you crap out is bad stories … that was what Regal told me was a "joke."

…

Presea: … I made a funny.

_Lloyd: Professor, be nice, she's hot, VERY hot, sot hot I_-

_He realizes what he's saying and stops. Colette, Genis, Regal, Sheena, Raine and even Zelos from really far away stare at him as he blushes till he's as red as his patented red clothes. _

_Lloyd: Ahhh- HEY, Zelos wait up!_

…

Presea: SIGH. I guess I'll do the commentary for a while. This is one of the only scenes CZ has written in a while that gives the impression of some SheenaXLloyd couple scenarios. He is a fan of that couple, but is willing to accomidate for others. The only other hint of that he puts in his writing was in a bad fanfic he destroyed with a flametorch. Lloyd pulled off this role well, because he's awkward.

_Regal: … How come I'm the only guy who's not not wearing a shirt?_

_Sheena: Cuss if all the fangirls would go crazy. _

_Regal: I don't think I have many fangirls._

Presea: There was a joke going on during previous episode shootings that Regal had the least amount of fangirls. Everyone else had tons: Kratos, Zelos, Lloyd, even Sheena and Genis. This scene was meant to parody that, and in the end it took itself to a whole new level.

_Zelos: Did I say Sylverant, haha, silly me. I meant Syl … Silver …. Silver City, New Mexico._

_All Ladies: Oh._

Presea: Like they would know where that is. Right CZ?

Boy that Sheena really did a nice job filling out that swimsuit.

Presea: We stopped talking about that scene minutes ago!

…We did?

Presea: Yes, you were just in a horny vegetable state.

Aww, not again.

_Zelos: From not being able to score._

_Lloyd: Why would I want to … "score" with someone who wouldn't like where I'm from. _

Presea: Lloyd in real life doesn't know what "scoring" means. Everytime we said that, he was looking for a soccer ball to kick.

_Zelos: Ahhhh! Ladies wait! You're not sluts, I'm a slut! No!_

_Lloyd: Wow, Regal's popular with the ladies._

Presea: See, like I was saying before, we took this joke a little further. Now Regal actually has fangirls.

I was trying to be realistic with this. I mean sure, Regal's not the greatest character, but he's honest. And he's pretty well built, I figured chicks would go for that.

Presea: Right.

_Zelos runs to where Sheena and Raine are relaxing on some beach chairs, while Presea sits in the sand._

_Zelos: Hello hunnies._

_Presea: Oh, hi Zelos._

Presea: This is my favorite.

Gee, I wonder why.

_Presea: Oh … I see … _

_Zelos: You gonna go?_

_Presea: Yes … … … … … … … … … … _

Presea: Why would I get in the way? Zelos had no problem hitting on the others while I was around.

I dunno, that scene was suggested to me by Forcystus, and he rarely had any screen time during any of the scenes in the game, so he barely showed up to watch the scenes he WASN'T in, so he BARELY knew about any other characer's behaviors and such. I told him Zelos even hits of Presea from time to time, but he just wasn't listening and … well, anyway, in the end this part was kinda funny so I just added it. It turned out ok in the en- Oh, because of this!

_Sheena: One move towards us and I'll summon Volt to shoots thunder balls, aiming for your ridiculous speedo._

_Raine: And I will not heal you until our time at the beach is over._

_Zelos: Awwwwwwwwwwwwwwwwwwww!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!_

Hahahaha, God I love those two. They work so well together in my scenes.

Presea: Tee hee.

…Tee hee?

Presea: What? I can't laugh?

… No.

Presea: … Oh yeah.

_Genis: You're vision of a sand castle isn't very nice, or reasonable._

_Colette: Have you ever built a sand castle before Presea?_

_Presea: I made a castle out of the giant sand box made of salt and pepper I had in my backyard, my old pet dog would spit on it to make it stick._

Presea: That sadly is true … my dog's name was Yippers, and I had to personally have him fixed because he kept humping squirrels.

… That's … that's messed up.

Presea: Sorry.

_Genis: Oh well, twas a good way to kill an hour._

_Zelos appears out of no where and jumps all over it._

_Lloyd: What the!?_

_Zelos keeps stomping on it till it's no more. Colette is crying and the others just stare at the destruction. _

_Zelos: Hahahahahahaa! I'm destroying your sand castle, haha! I'm ruining your day, ahahahahaha-_

Zelos devoted five weeks to this scene, studying to be the perfect Beach Bully. He kept watching as other jerks stomped on sand castles, kicked sand onto ice cream cones and kick children into the ocean. Zelos made a vacation out of it.

Presea: It shows.

_Zelos: Eeeek._

_Zelos runs like hell as Regal puts his new sandals on a test run (yes … sandals.)_

I kept telling Regal to bring his Nikes, but he just didn't.

_Lloyd: Holy Hell, what happened to you guys?_

_They both got sun burn to an incredible degree. _

_Raine and Sheena: … Oh no! Dammit!_

I originally was gonna write it so that instead of getting sunburn, Sheena and Raine were seen wearing each other's clothes, implying they got drunk, made out naked and got dressed in a hurry. But the rest of the cast argued that it was good, but could be more along the lines of "clitche", along with the rest of the game. So instead, they fell asleep and got sunburn. I really felt a stab at the heart of my artistic vision.

Presea: Do all your artistic visions involve lesbian make out scenes.

Yup.

_Genis: Yeah … the beach sucks._

_Regal: It's not THAT bad._

_Lloyd: Let's just go back to the hotel-_

Presea: Was this suppose to be the moral of the story?

Presea, there is no moral. I just got bored and thought of a summer theme.

Presea: Of course.

_Regal: After I buried Zelos 6 feet under._

_Sheena: Sigh … we better go get him … tomorrow. _

Funny thing about that, when … no, you tell them Presea.

Presea: Oh … well … instead of burying Zelos, Regal was just suppose to throw Zelos into the ocean. Hence explaining the pauses in Sheena's lines, she wasn't expecting that line of "6 feet under" and such. So she adlibbed the rest, really pulled a rabbit out of her bikini.

I originally wrote it as Regal throwing Zelos into the ocean, Zelos comes back with five mermaids by his side and Zelos finally found his hunnies. A happy ending. But it doesn't matter, it still turned out pretty funny.

Presea: It seems like we have trouble actually following the script.

Yeah … but I didn't hire you guys for reading scripts, I did it for you to make me laugh. And you guys do.

Presea: … Thanks.

The fact that you are all idiots is a sad bonus prize.

Presea: I could chop your head off.

Fair enough. This concludes the commentary for this episode. I'm Chosen Zelos.

Presea: I'm Presea Combatir.

Thanks y'all, and God Save the Queen.

Presea: You're British?

No.

Presea: … Ok.

**End.**


	39. Funny Alternate Night in Triet

**Sleep Deprived and Out of Her Mind**

_Raine is known for loving old crap, studying old crap, and spending nights … studying old crap further, so one night, she looses it. Takes place at Lloyd's first night in Triet:. _

Lloyd knocks on Raine's door at the Inn at Triet. Knockity Knock.

Raine: Who is it?

Lloyd: Lloyd.

Raine: Oh, come in.

Lloyd enters, notices Genis asleep. Then give Raine her Exsphere.

Lloyd here you go.

Raine: Damn, that was fast. I just gave you this job half an hour ago.

Lloyd: I have a lot of free time.

Raine: I imagine.

Lloyd: What are up to?

Raine: I'm tallying up the data on monsters and items we've come across lately, it keeps me up.

Lloyd: You should really get some sleep, otherwise you'll get cranky … well, still, you should get some sleep.

Raine: I will, thanks.

Lloyd wanders over to Genis sleeping.

Genis: …Ll… Lloyd.

Lloyd: Hmm? He's dreaming about me?

Genis: Lloyd … don't touch me there.

Lloyd: WHAT!?

Genis: I know you're looking at me you dork!

Genis opens his eyes, rises up and laughs. Lloyd bashes Genis on the head with his sword sheaf. Genis is then knocked out.

Lloyd: …

Raine: Hahaha.

Lloyd: Shu- Shut up!

Raine: Despite how much he picks on you … despite how much we ALL pick on you, he still really admires you.

Lloyd starts to blush and just leaves the room embarrassed.

Raine: Hee hee …

She looks at the exsphere and is hypnotized by its marvelous glow.

Raine: Fascinating, absolutely fascinating! Huah ah ha! This is truly a stone of science and magic! Marvelous! I can hardly contain my … Yeeeeeeeeeeee!!!!!

Genis wakes up.

Genis: Wha- what happened!?!

He sees his sister drooling over her new exsphere.

Genis: … Sis!

Raine: What? LOOK AT IT!!! It's a spectacular miniature orb of energy and it's capacities are not fully written in stone! It's simply fascinates the mind! I MUST STUDY IT!!!!

Genis: … Just promise me you'll get some sleep before we leave tomorrow, we got stuff to do tomorrow.

Raine: I know … don't worry. G'night Genis.

Genis: 'Night.

Genis falls asleep, Raine goes straight to her desk and starts to examine her exsphere.

Raine: Fascinating, truly stunning. Wonder what it's made out of … … … … … … I'm gonna guess and say "jelly."

After two hours of studying, she starts to get drowsy.

Raine: … NO! Must … examine … further … fruit pies-

She falls asleep at her desk. Outside, Lloyd comes into the inn from outside after chatting with Kratos. He sneaks in trying not to wake up Raine, Genis or Colette. He tiptoes his way to his room … till he notices a big panda teddy bear. He wanders over to it, planning on putting it on the front desk so it won't get stolen by someone else. All of the sudden it disappears and smoke appears popping all around. Then, the Wonder Chef appears.

Wonder Chef: I'm the hot sizzling gourmet cracker in your soup, The Wonder Chef!

Lloyd: No, not now, keep it down. Don't speak so loud.

Wonder Chef: What was that? Speak loud? Ok. I'M THE DELICIOUS GOURMET COOK, THE WONDER CHEF!!!!!!!

Raine rises from her chair, her eyes are barely open and she's moving around all weird and disoriented. Genis awakens too.

Genis: YAWN … Raine? Are you ok?

Raine looks at him … kinda.

Genis: … Are … are you awake?

Raine jumps at him.

Genis: Ahhhhh!!!!

Back at the front desk.

Wonder Chef: I'M HERE TO TEACH YOU HOW TO MAKE A HOT CUP OF TEA!!!! YOU'LL LOVE A HOT STEAMING CUP AFTER A LONG DA-

Raine's door breaks as Genis flies out of the room and hits the wall near the door.

Lloyd: What happen?

Genis: Raine threw me out.

Lloyd: What the?-

Raine jumps from second floor onto the first, everyone sees her half awaken eyes and are scared.

Wonder Chef: WOAH!

Lloyd: Is she sleep-walking?

Raine looks at the Wonder Chef … with sleepy amazement.

Raine: Wow … the rare … "Chef Hat Headed Wonder Beast". Must dissect!

Wonder Chef: Ouch … Dissecting!? It's like eating, only without the flavor!!!! Or the bitting!!!!!

Raine grabs the Wonder Chef and twirls him around.

Lloyd: What is with her?

Genis: She didn't get enough sleep since she went into Ruin Mode so late at night.

Lloyd: What?

Genis: … I mean, she's drunk.

Lloyd: Oh.

Still twirling him around.

Wonder Chef: Ah screw it, I already told you the recipe, time for this Chef to leave!!!!

He poofs away, Raine looses her balance and falls on her bum.

Lloyd: I heard if you mess with a sleep-walker, they'll kill you.

Genis: Oh, it just depends on how you handle them.

They both walk towards her, she jumps up and grabs Lloyd, holds him up likea baseball bat and smacks Genis with him. She then throws Lloyd back at Genis, they're both really hurt. Kratos bursts in from the front with sword in hand.

Kratos: What the Hell is going on here?

Lloyd: Oww … Professor went cookoo.

Kratos: Cookoo huh.

Raine sees him and goes berserk again. She jumps all around like a wild monkey while Kratos … looks confused.

Kratos: I … I never seen this fighting style before … it's almost as if it's not a fighting style at all.

Genis: That's because she's just jumping around like a nut!

Kratos: I can't kill her; well actually I could, but … I prefer not to.

Raine: Rare "Sword Handed Monkey Man", you're mine!

Colette jumps from the second floor onto the first and knocks Raine out with a pillow. Everyone is stunned. Colette seems … mad?

Colette: I … was trying … to … SLEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEPP!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

Everyone: … We're sorry.

Colette defeated Raine. Experience: 2. Items Dropped: Raine's Money. The next morning, everyone rises and shines, except for Lloyd. He wakes up quickly and runs outside where the rest were waiting.

Lloyd: YAWN … So, we gonna go get that seal thingy?

Raine: Yup! All we gotta do is head straight from this entrance and we'll reach the ruins.

Everyone looks at her with strange amazement. She's the only "chripy" and "not cranky" member of the group.

Kratos: … Anyway … let's go to the seal.

Colette: WHATEVER!!!

Colette walks in a b line out of town, everyone notices her unusual pissed off manner.

Raine: What's with her?

Lloyd: … Not enough sleep.

Raine: Tsk, a girl her age needs plenty of sleep to get through the next day. Poor girl.

Raine walks ahead to catch up. The three males say nothing and just follow, planning on never speaking of the previous night for a long time.

**End**


	40. Funny Alternate Asgard Event 1

**Ass Guard**

_Asgard, in Norse Mythology & Religion, was known as a realm of the Gods. In Tales of Symphnoia, Asgard is a city with a boring plot for our Chosen's group. _

_In this chapter, Lloyd and friends come to Asgard to find the Wind Seal … instead they find … well, just read. Spoilers:_

Lloyd, Genis, Colette and Kratos walk up the steps to the ancient stone stage, while Raine runs to it ecstatically. She runs around it at an erratic state. Jumping around it and hugging it and such. Everyone just stared.

Raine: Oh My Gawd! I can't believe I'm really here! This is so exiting I can barely contain myself! Oh my gawd, oh my gawd, OH MY GAWD!!!!

Genis: …Oh my God is right. Raine, could you keep it down a notch.

Lloyd: Yeah, it's just some stupid platform.

Colette & Kratos: Uh oh.

Raine: Stu … STUPID!?

Lloyd: No Professor, No!

Raine grabbed her staff and smacked it across Lloyd's face, making him fall down the steps.

Lloyd: Ouch, Ow, Oooo, Ah, Eeee, Ow, Ohhh, Ouchies, Dang, Ow-

Genis: How many steps are there?

Kratos: We'll soon find out.

Lloyd: Ow, Dang, Ouchi Bubba, Ow!

Kratos: … A lot.

Genis: I see. Should we go get him?

Kratos: Whose we? You got a fairy in your pocket?

Genis ran down, picked up Lloyd and brought him back up.

Raine: Lloyd, assuming you didn't damage too much of your brain, please explain the history of this ancient relic.

Lloyd: … Of course. This is … the … Big White Square in the Ground of Asgard … 2.0.

Raine: Close, but not at all. This is the Stone Platform of the Wind Sage of a Really, Really Long Time Ago Battle.

Kratos: Is that what it's really called?

Raine: Are you questioning the Professor?

Kratos: Well, no, it's just … it sounds like something you just made up at this very instant.

Raine: … Well I didn't. In proper terms it is known as a Dance Floor where the Gods would all gather and challenge each other to a round of Dance Dance Revolution, using humans as arrows to guide theme on where to stomp on the buildings as markers. Many villages were killed during these games … but they were bad villages. Including gangster villages and a mafia town, but one village survived long enough to see the beautiful dancing. That land was Asgard, home of Mighty Thor and a bunch of other Viking Warriors.

Kratos: I think the history of the world just got raped.

Raine: Pardon?

Kratos: Nothing, please explain more while I don't pay attention.

Lloyd: Dear God no!

Raine: Gladly, now these tiles are made out of dragon's teeth, heads of colossi monsters, golem's feet and mountain rocks. They were all gathered here and crushed by Thor's mighty hammer, and then he gathered many slaves to make it look presentable. Many slaves died to build it and make it look nice, and the rest were slaughtered for fire fuel. No one has since step a foot onto this platform, for fear of zombie slave uprising. This is all based on the findings of a scholar who was most famous for writing an article in the New York Times about microwave ovens.

Colette: Gee Professor, that sure was riveting, could you explain it again?

Raine: Of course, but I'll make it longer and louder to make sure I don't have to repeat myself again. Now, these tiles are made out of dragon's teeth, heads of colossi and, OH, also a funny thing about these poles here, well not so much funny as much as it is very long and educational, is that they were made by old people to beat ogres-

Lloyd pokes Genis' shoulder and whispers.

Lloyd: Listen, my brain is really starting to hurt, I'm gonna wander around for a bit.

Genis: Ok, I guess that fall really hurt ya hard huh?

Lloyd: Not as much as the Professor's lectures.

Lloyd wanders from the group, and walks behind the stadium and notices two guys with some sort of device.

???? w/ glasses: I dunno, this doesn't look like such a good idea man.

???? w/ bandana: Listen, this'll work perfectly. All we have to do is blow this thing up, then the Summon Spirit won't take Aisha. Quit being a wussy!

???? w/ glasses: I'm not a wussy! I just don't want to blow up this ancient relic. Besides, it might only dent it, the spirit may still survive.

???? w/ bandana: Nonsense! It'll work, the Big Bang Holy Blow Up-A-Tron always get the job done.

Lloyd: What are you guys doing?

Lloyd walks up to them, the two seem surprised.

Lloyd: Are you guys terrorists?

???? w/ bandana: Of course not!

???? w/ glasses: Harley, calm down.

Harley: No I won't Linar! I'm sick of that, the only half-elf in the village, who happens to build bombs, MUST be a terrorist or of terrorist decent, is that it?

Lloyd: Well, no. I was just asking cuss of your turban-

Harley: It's a bandana! A freaking bandana!

Linar: Keep your voice down!

Harley: No! We're blowing up this relic, without terrorist reasons, or my name isn't Harley Bin Laden Hussein Hitlerstein! Now let's blow this motha up!

Raine hears the terms "blow up relic" and "motha up" and quikly jumps onto the relic, runs behind it and finds the three.

Raine: You're going to blow "the what" out of WHAAAAATTTTTTT!?!?!

Harley: Oh crap, the summon spirit! I'm scared!

Lloyd: No, that's my teacher, Professor Raine Sage.

Linar: A woman who's smarter than me, I'm scared.

Raine: You idiot humans really think you can blow this thing up without facing my foot!

Raine kicks Linar in the face and he falls. Harley gets scared, yet must clear up Raine misconception.

Harley: I'm a Half Elf!

Raine: My right foot does not care!

Raine kicks Harley in the face and he falls.

Raine: However, my left foot seems to take a great interest in what you just said, it should meet with your face.

Raine stomps on Harley's face.

Linar: Harley!

Lloyd: Ouchies.

Raine stops and Harley gets back up.

Harley: That was uncalled for you crazy bitch!

Lloyd: Oh! Teacher, he said the B word!

Raine: I know, I know.

Raine smacks her hand across Harley's face, she's unaware that a strange reflex made her other hand hit the ignition button for the bomb.

Lloyd, Harley and Linar: Uhh-

Raine: Quiet! Obviously you all need me to tell you a really long boring story about why this thing is important.

Lloyd: Professor! You-

Raine: There will be time for questions next Thursday when I might be done with this lecture. Hope you don't have plans, now, this relic-

Lloyd: Professor! You activated the bomb!

Raine: I did what now?

Raine looks at the bomb ticking and panics.

Raine: Ahhhhh! What do I do?

Harley: You're the one who activated it, you figure it out!

Raine kicks him again and stomps on his chest.

Raine: Now is not the time to be a wise ass! How do we deactivate it.

Harley: You can't! It's indestructible!

Raine: Don't act proud of yourself, as long as my foot is on your chest, you're not going anywhere.

Herley: … Linar, help me!

Linar: I can't, I'm scared.

Meanwhile, on the other side of the pillar.

Kratos: Should we go behind this relic and see what Lloyd and Professor Raine are up to?

Genis: Nah, they'll be fine.

Kratos: … Hmm, just wondering.

Colette: What are you implying that they are up to Mr. Kratos?

Kratos: All I'm saying is, she's lucky she's not near her school, or the media would eat them alive.

Genis: … First of all, my sister would never date a student. Second, she could do much better than Lloyd. No one is dumber in our class then Lloyd.

Colette: What about that mentally retarded kid we got in our class five weeks before we left on our journey?

Genis: … Oh yeah, Jem Retardedson. Ok, Raine could do worse. But I'm not raising any retarded Lloyd nephews. They'll have to go to special schools, and fight with the safety swords, wearing five helmets and-

Kratos: You guys are getting WAY too into my little joke. You need to relax.

Genis: Oh … hehe … Oy.

Colette: We don't need to worry about Lloyd and the Professor, I already know what's going on over there. Kinda … all I could hear with my angel powers was something about a bomb and a explo-

Kratos and Genis: Bomb!?

Genis, Colette and Kratos run to behind the relic, they see Lloyd messing with the bomb.

Kratos: Lloyd's trying to deactivate it!

Genis: Crap! We're doomed!

Lloyd stood and smiled.

Lloyd: I did it, yay!

Harley: Wow, you're pretty good. How did you deactivate it?

Lloyd: It wasn't that hard, the giant red button on top of the bomb that says DEACTIVATE seemed to help a lot.

Harley: Ah, I see.

Lloyd: Next time, make bombs you yourself can control.

Harley: I handled the situation very well! If someone's foot wasn't in my face, I would've deactivated it myself!

Raine: Stop blaming others for your weaknesses, you weak little chump.

Kratos: I have no idea what's going on.

Genis: Lloyd!

Genis and Colette gather around Lloyd to congratulate him for making them not dead.

Genis: I'd kiss you if I weren't trying so hard to get people on the internet to stop calling me suspiciously gay.

Lloyd: Uh, thanks.

The Mayor of Asgard and a couple of men are seen going up the steps.

Harvey: Crap! There's only one way out!

Linar: Running away?

Harvey: No, a back up boom!

Harvey rips off his shirt and reveals him wearing a TNT vest with a detonator in hand.

Harvey: I present, the Back Up Blow 'Em Up Magna!

Linar: Looks like a bunch of TNT dynamite sticks attached to your torso.

Harvey: …

Genis: This is stupid.

Harvey: I don't think so! I'm not gonna get in trouble, I'm gonna take them all with me and save Aisha from being sacrificed! It's so brilliant it's a BOOM!

He places his thumb on the trigger.

Lloyd: Ahhh! Professor, do something!

Raine: Hold on! What sacrifice?

Harvey: A friend of ours is going to be sacrificed to the Summon Spirit of Wind!

Colette: Summon Spirits don't need sacrifices … Don't push it! What if we help you and your friend by doing something other than dieing?

Linar: Harvey, they could be of great help!

Harvey: Hmm, may-

He accidentally pushed the button.

Harvey: Arrggghhhhhhhh! Get this thing off me!

Linar: Why did you put this thing on in the first place?!

Harvey: I was trying to be cool, I thought I was being smart! But I'm not smart! I'm a stupid Half-Elf who watched too many action movies!

Genis: You give us Half-Elves a bad name- I mean, other Half-Elves in general … … … … … not me.

Lloyd: Hold still! I'm gonna chop them off of you!

Kratos: Lloyd, that's crazy! You're not very hand eye coordinated and you'll kill us all! I'll Fireball them off of him!

Genis: No, they'll explode! Let's just all jump off this very high and dangerous cliff behind the stadium and hope we'll be ok!

Raine: Everyone calm down!

Kratos: Sorry … I don't know what came over me.

Genis: Me neither.

Harvey: I think I just wet my pants.

Colette quickly ripped the bomb off of Harley. She then let her angel wings sprout and flew up in the air, then she charge forth up into the sky and out of everyone's reach. The dynamite blew up. Everyone looks up at the sky. The Chief is distracted by it and Lloyd's gang is shocked because Colette may be dead.

Raine: Oh my God!

Harvey: GASP!

Lloyd: Coooooooooolllllllllllllllllllllllllllllllllllllllllllleeettttttttttttttttttteee!

**To Be Continued …**


	41. Funny Alternate Pronyma Death Scene

**I'm Pro-Nyma, So Abort Away!**

_Pronyma, an excellent example of a good tool. Here's when she croaks. Requested by ZatannaFan, here's … what I just said before. I got really into this one, took a little while since I forgot her attacks, minions' names, and such. Spoilers … Dead Spoilers:_

Lloyd ran into Yggdrassil's giant room with the Great Seed and Colette, all alone. He stood before Yggdrassil and Pronyma. All of the sudden the others poped out of nowhere; Genis, Raine, Presea, Regal and Sheena were still alive. Lloyd could not believe it.

Lloyd: I can't believe it! I thought you guys were dead!

Genis: Nope. We never felt more alive.

Lloyd: Yay!!!

Yggdrassil: Sigh, why are these losers in my Giant Seed Room? I was so sure my traps would've gotten rid of them. Guess I should of just killed you all myself.

Lloyd: Your going down Mithos! It ends here!

Yggdrassil: I suppose, but certainly not for me. You're all going to die … while I watch. Pronyma, take care of them. They're stupid.

Pronyma: Yes sir.

Pronyma levitates towards the gang.

Pronyma: I went easy on your pathetic humans last time, but I won't today. You shall feel the wrath of the last of the Desian Grand Cardinals! How do you feel about that, huh!?

Sheena: You didn't go easy on us last time. We whooped your butt.

Pronyma: No, I went easy on you cuss we still needed you-

Presea: I kept track of your stamina and strength during that battle, you were using all your energy and lost more than half of it when Lloyd and Zelos did a combined Sonic Thrust attack, as Colette threw chakras at you.

Lloyd: I call it a Duo Thrust.

Pronyma: Shut up! You dare to call me a liar! I'm not only the last of the Grand Cardinals, I'm also the best of the bunch. So prepare to die!

Two monsters named Iduns appear before her as she grabs her weapon and does an evil pose.

Pronyma: I shall expel you from your flaws! By killing you because you're different!

Raine: This game sure isn't short of the whole discrimination theme.

Regal: That's quite the understatement.

Raine: I was being sarcastic.

Regal: Oh … then it fits well.

Raine: ... You thought I was serious!

Regal: No.

Raine: Oh yeah, let's see. Lloyd, do you think Regal has no sense of humor?

Lloyd has his swords up to his chest, holding back Pronyma's minion from getting to him.

Lloyd: Now is REALLY not the time!

Raine: … Oh crap! I forgot, we're fighting Pronyma. First Aid!

Sheena and Presea battle one of the minions, Lloyd struggles with one and Regal joins in to help Lloyd. Genis charges for a Thunder Blade while Raine casts more spells.

Genis: You got distracted again, didn't you!

Raine: Of course not, I just got lost in a conversation. Healing Circle!

Genis: Yeah right, you're worse then-

One of the monsters attacked Genis and left him unconscious.

Raine: Genis! … You monsters, I'm gonna make you pay! Pho … ah, screw it.

She doesn't bother with a spell and just attacks the monster with her staff. She keeps whacking and whacking away until the monster surrenders.

Idun: Oww, stop, I surrender, stop it! Please stop! I give up, please! Sto-

Lloyd: Demon Fang!

Lloyd vanquishes the monster away and smirks.

Lloyd: Professor, did you see my awesome attack!

Raine: Your aiming is a bit off but it did the job well. And where were you minutes ago? You and Regal were fighting that one, what happened?!

Lloyd: Regal stopped kicking and had to tie his shoes, while he was doing so, that thing took this opportune to attack the magic casters. Sorry, is Genis ok?

Raine: I don't know … Genis?

Genis: Ouchies.

Raine: Whew, close one.

Regal walks in slowly with shame.

Regal: … Sorry.

Raine: Grrrrrrrrrr.

Lloyd: Well, one down. So, let's help Presea and Sheena-

Sheena: No need, we're good.

Presea: We defeated the monster in precisely 2.4 minutes, with enough seconds to kick its dead corpse for fun.

Lloyd: Oh, goodie. Now for Pronyma!

They all scramble and surround Pronyma.

Lloyd: 3, 2, Uno, Charge!

They all head for Pronyma, but she attacks them all simultaneously with a dark magic attack. They're all forced up into the air and are paralyzed. Yggdrassil enjoys the show.

Yggdrassil: Excellent, she's SO getting a raise. What's higher than Deisan Grand Cardinal … maybe God Gene- What the?

He see's the Mana transference with Colette slowly progressing.

Yggdrassil: Almost there.

Pronyma: Now to obliterate you all! Anorexian!

Yggdrassil: It's pronounced Agarazium!

Pronyma: … Sorry Lord Yggdr-

Yggdrassil: I didn't give your attacks names just so you can ruin them with words that sound similar to it!

Pronyma: … I'll try harder. Agarazium!

Presea gets hit by her attack and is flying up in the air. Sheena jumps and catches her.

Presea: Oww, thanks Sheena.

Sheena: No prob. Pronyma, you bich! Picking on a little girl! How about fighting something your own size! I Summon Thee, Come Undine!

Undine appears before Pronyma.

Pronyma: Oh, I'm so scared. What kind of threat-

Undine slaps her.

Lloyd, Sheena and Raine: OH!!!!!

Zelos is watching from far away (yeah, in this version he's alive).

Zelos: Meow, catfight.

Pronyma: Why you! Laxotiveian!

Undine has obliterated.

Yggdrassil: It's Leonazium you- Oh, why bother!

Pronyma: Oy … that slap really hurt.

Lloyd: Now, while she's weak! Demon Fang Blast Off!

Regal: Kicking Dragon!

Raine: Hurtful Circle!

Genis: Anthrax!

Sheena: Blow Up Seal!

Presea: Axe in Head!

The combination of all these attacks (that I just made up) defeated Pronyma.

Lloyd: Ho yeah! No messing with us, gangsta!

Sheena: Shut up.

Lloyd: … Sorry.

Yggdrassil focuses on the transfusion and doesn't notice Pronyma's defeat. She's still alive and crawls over to him.

Lloyd: She does not know when to quit. Demon-

Raine stops him.

Raine: Let's see how this plays out.

Lloyd: … Professor?

Yggdrassil: Soon Martel, you'll return to me and all will be well.

Pronyma: Lord Yggdrassil, lend me your aid.

Yggdrassil: … Hmm? What's wrong?

Pronyma: I'm dying.

Yggdrassil: Oh, that's a shame. I'm busy right now, come back later.

Pronyma: Please Mithos, I don't like dying-

Pronyma she clings to his leg and pulls on it, Yggdrassil becomes furious and grabs her by the throat and powers up an energy ball in his other hand.

Yggdrassil: I don't like being touched by girls!!!

He blasts Pronyma away and smirks as she disenagrates.

Presea: Aughhh.

Genis: How cruel.

Raine: How couuld you do that?! She was your loyal servant!

Yggdrassil: She knows better than to act in such a pathetic human manner, she died a failure. As did my other Grand Cardinals before her. Oh well, once Martel awakens, I'll get new Desians. Big buff ones. Hahahaha

Lloyd: Grrrr.

Raine: Lloyd?

Lloyd: Mithos, Damn you!!!

Genis: No Lloyd-

Lloyd releases his swords and charges for Yggdrassil. He lifts one blade and tries and tries an upper slash with the other blade. Yggdrassil stops both attacks.

Yggdrassil: Heh, how pathetic.

Lloyd: I'm starting to hate you more and more Mithos! You brat!

Yggdrassil: For what? Didn't I do you a favor? You wanted to defeat the Desains more than anyone.

Lloyd: Splitting the worlds, gaining our trust and betraying us, causing so much pain, even to your own kind?! … What's to like? Compared to you, the Desians were nothing.

Yggdrassil: … Heh, agreed.

He starts to glow bright, charging for an attack.

Yggdrassil: If you mourn for your enemies so much, allow me to let you join them. Farewell huma-

Yggdrassil looks behind to see the machine finishing up. And the chamber holding Colette opening.

Yggdrassil: … Hehehehehe huah hahahahaahahhahahaha! At last, Martel has awoken!

Lloyd: No, Colette.

Genis: Damnit, what now?

Zelos: Hmm, and now we'll see. Thousands of years and thousands of souls, all for this one moment.

Yggdrassil: Martel, are you awake?

Colette: … Zzz Zzz Zzz Zzzz Zzzz.

Colette has not fully awaken at the moment, and is snoring ... loudly.

Yggdrassil: …

Lloyd: Hmm?

Zelos: … Spoke to soon.

Yggdrassil: … Uh … let's give her a couple of more minutes ... then you're all doomed ...

Lloyd: ...

Yggdrassil: ...

Lloyd: ... This is uncomfortable.

**To Be Continued … **


	42. Funny Journey of Regeneration Start

**Startin' Out **

_Let's see how well this adventure was going before Lloyd got involved. This takes place when Colette, Raine and Kratos left for the Journey of Regeneration and ditched Lloyd and Genis. They make their way to the Triet Desert and are failing, gravely. Just watch, spoilers:_

The trio made their way to the Triet Desert Village. It is unbelievably scorching hot and dirty, due to … sandy environments. Kratos and Colette look around while Raine gazes through her map. Kratos then turned to Raine frustrated.

Kratos: We're lost, aren't we?

Raine: Of course not.

Kratos: Then where is the Seal?

Raine: … Over there.

Kratos: Over where?

Raine: … Not … here?

Kratos: You have no idea, do you?

Raine: I know it's not here.

Kratos: Why didn't you just ask directions from that caravan not too long ago?

Raine: We don't need directions, I know this continent like the back of my hand. Like your face will if you don't stop bugging me!

Kratos: I'm here to protect the Chosen, you are indispensable.

Raine: Why you lil'!

Colette laughs.

Kratos: Chosen?

Colette: You too are like a married couple.

They blush.

Raine: Not really.

Colette: Except Raine is like the man, and Kratos is the nit picky wife.

Kratos: … I feel somewhat offended.

Raine: Though if we were lovers, that is how it would end up.

Kratos: … I'm the woman!?

Raine: Yea- Wait, no! No! Not the woman! Just not in charge!

Kratos: Why you- … Dammit, we're off topic.

Raine: You're right.

Kratos: Let's ask the people of this desert village of the seal.

Raine: Agreed.

Colette: Ok.

They spread out; Kratos talks to every merchant and resident he can find, Raine goes to the fortune teller and Colette … does this: She walks towards a building, slips on a banana peel and crashes into a wall. She pops out.

Colette: Oww.

Building Owner: Oh my god, what happened!? You're paying for this.

Colette: I'm sorry, SO sorry! I was look-

While she was explaining her clumsiness, Kratos was doing some investigating.

Kratos: Where is the Fire Seal?

Merchant: Where is the Fire Seal "Please".

Kratos: … I asked first. Where is it?

Merchant: Sigh, its a little bit west of this city. Just keep heading that way and you'll find it.

Kratos: Good.

Merchant: …Aren't you going to thank me for giving you the info.

Kratos: Hmm, that's a good idea.

Kratos walks away towards Raine.

Merchant: … Puttz..

Kratos tells Raine the information.

Raine: Are you sur? The fortune teller told me just to head towards the exit and go straight from there.

Kratos: Fortune tellers are fake, I got this info from a merchant, they're more knowledgeable of their surroundings.

Raine: What do you base that logic on?

Kratos: Your mother.

They search for Colette and find her STILL apologizing for the hole in the wall incident.

Colette: I cannot begin to acknowledge how sorry I am for this incident and the past apologies I gave when you confirmed I didn't need to keep apologizing. Oh, and sorry for that apology involving the previous apologies for apologizing-

Kratos: Chosen, we need to leave.

Colette: I'm sorry Mr. Kratos, I just need a few more moments to apologize for the incident and the apologies I apologized for –

Building Owner: It is fine, just leave. Please … take her away, I don't care anymore.

Colette: …………………………. Sorry.

Kratos and Raine grab Colette and run outta town before the building owner looses it. They follow Kratos' directions and headed west. They passed by many deserts and their monsters for two hours till they got tired.

Raine: This is taking too long. Are you sure these directions are credible?

Kratos: They should be, the merchant seemed trustworthy and pretty kind considering what an ass I was to him.

Raine and Colette: …

Kratos: What?

Colette: Maybe the merchant mislead you to get revenge on you.

Kratos: … That is a slight possibility.

Raine: GREAT! Now we're even more lost, and we're not in town!

Kratos No problem, we just head back EAST into town then … then-

Raine: Then follow MY directions. Correct?

Kratos: …Yes ma'am.

Colette: Don't be mad at Mr. Kratos, Professor, he just followed his instincts to help us.

Raine: Colette, men always follow their instincts, and sometimes their instincts are wrong, horribly wrong. That's why we women must make them realize the error of their ways. So they won't do it again.

Colette: Wow, that's quite a lesson Professor. It's like I never left school.

Kratos: Sigh, can we head bac-

The ground begins to rumble.

Colette: Woah, what's happening?!

Raine: I dunno!

The ground begins to crumble and break

Kratos: How can sand crumble and break!?

Because I said so. Anyways, as the sand crumbles, a giant worm pop's itself out of the sand.

Kratos: Woah … big worm.

Raine: I sense it has a great evil aura surrounding it.

Colette: Should we fight it?

Kratos: Might as well!

Enter Battle Mode!!!!!!

Raine: ………. Oh crap, I don't know that many spells yet this early in the game.

Kratos: Then just stand back. Demon Fang!

Colette: Pow Hammer!

The Worm is hit by these attacks and barely flinches.

Raine: Damn, that monster is far too strong for us.

Kratos: Oh we'll see about that! I'll just cast a quick Judgmen- … I mean, you're right … we're "weak."

The Worm is in front of them and roars a thunderous yell.

Kratos: Let's run away, screaming.

Raine: Agreed.

Kratos, Raine and Colette: Ahhhhhhh!!!!!!

They run rapidly until the worm is out of their sight … and until they run into … Genis?

BONK!!!!

They all fall on their asses.

Genis: Oww, my head.

Raine and Colette: Genis!?

Colette runs up and gives him a big hug, Raine smacks him on the head with her wand.

Genis: Oww, my head. Again.

Raine: What are you doing here? We ditched you on purpose.

Genis: No time for that! Lloyd's been kidnapped by the Desians!

Colette: Oh my god! We gotta go save him.

Kratos: There's no Desian Base in this dessert.

Genis: Well … maybe it's new or something! Who cares, we gotta go get him out!

Kratos: Yes let's … before that giant worm comes back.

Genis: Giant what?

Raine: You know where the base is?

Genis: Yeah, just follow us.

Noishe appears behind Genis.

Noishe: Ruff ruff ruff!!!

Genis: We need to get Lloyd soon … he apparently can understand what Noishe is saying … I can't, and Noishe won't stop talking.

Noishe: Ruff ruff grrr grrrr ruff woof!

Kratos: I see … so we just head northeast till we see a rock formation that looks like a giant soda can, then move east till we see a giant blue building. That's where Lloyd is.

Everyone: …

Genis: You understood Noishe?

Kratos: Of course he use to be my do- … my … I … I speak dog.

Raine: Hmm ……………… ok.

Colette: Let's go! Lead the way Noishe.

Noishe: Ruff ruff grrr grrr ruff grr grrr ruff!

Kratos: … Noishe, that is no way to talk to the Chosen, apologize.

Noishe: ruff ruff.

Colette: No, I'm sorry.

Noishe: ruff ruff grrr.

Kratos: He says you don't have to apologize.

Colette: Oh … then I'm sorry for that too.

Raine: Oh Jesus, not again.

Genis: Sigh, at this rate Lloyd'll al ready be dead by the time we leave to rescue him.

**I'm Sorry, The End**


	43. Funny Alternate Asgard Event 2

**Ass Guard 2**

_Last time on The Practice …_

_Regal stands before a jury stating his closing arguments._

_Regal: My client could NOT have committed the crime in hand because not only was he not in the building where the shooting took place, he was not even in the same country. _

_Rodyle: The Defense want's us to believe that THAT MAN sitting over there, Mr. Wilder … or should I say, Big Daddy Cane McWilder, is a saint. Does THAT look like a saint to you!!_

_Points to Zelos, with his pimp hat, stylish sunglasses and pair of women behind him._

_Rodyle: He killed Mr. Irving because he owed him five thousand dollars for a one night stand, and the boy just couldn't come up with the doe. So Zelos went BANG! … right between the eyes. These documents stating he wasn't even in the area … could've been forged … why not?_

_Rodyle cross witnesses Sheena._

_Rodyle: Did you spend the night with a Mr. Lloyd Irving on the night in question?_

_Sheena: Yes._

_Rodyle: What did you two do that night?_

_Sheena: Well … when I got there, we had pizza. Then afterwards, we watched TV for about 2 hours, then played video games and made a fort out of his furniture and … that's it._

_Hours later. Judge Kratos returns for the verdict._

_Kratos: Has the jury reached a unanimous verdict?_

_Raine: We have your honor._

_Zelos is shaking, Sheena and Colette hold his hands to comfort him. Regal awaits the verdict, he glances at Rodyle, with a sly smirk on his face. Regal looks back at the jury uneasy._

_Kratos: What say you?_

_Raine: In the Case of Commenwealth VS. Zelos Wilder, on the count of First Degree Murder, we the jury find the defendant, Zelos Wilder… Guilty._

_Gasps! Zelos goes beserk._

_Zelos: But I didn't do it you morons! I didn't kill him! I didn't kill him!_

_Regal: Zelos calm down._

_Zelos: No, you calm down! I didn't shoot Lloyd! I couldn't have! I was in Jamaica for two weeks! _

_Kratos: Bailiff, get him out of here._

_Botta grabs Zelos and takes him away. Sheena and Colette cry for their pimp, Regal just stands there as if in a trance._

_Regal: This just doesn't seem possible, how could the jury be so blind, and the judge so …what?_

_He then sees as the Judge leaves his podium, he glances at Rodyle. Rodyle winks at him, and Kratos winks back, with a malevolent grin. Regal is shocked._

_Regal: My God. How could I not see it before._

_Colette: … Mr. Bryant?_

_Regal: Don't worry, there may be hope for Big Daddy yet._

_And now, part two, of a completely different story:_

Chief: My goodness, look at that explosion in the sky.

Villager: Is it a sign of danger to come?

Chief: I don't know … let's stare at it a few moments longer.

The chief and the villagers gander at the sky where Colette flew with a batch of dynamite that exploded. Lloyd and the others are frozen seeing their friend's demise.

Lloyd: Colette!!!

Genis: Oh my god, this can't be happening.

Kratos: Dammit, now the world will never regenerate … we're going to have to get a new one.

Raine: How could you be so cold?! Colette just died!

Kratos: You grieve for Colette your friend, while I grieve for Colette the Chosen.

Genis: You're talking about her as if she's a puppy or cat! We can't just get a new Chosen you jerk!

Linar: Ch … Chosen?

Harley: The Chosen of Regeneration?

Raine: That's right.

Harley: … Oh my.

Linar: We just killed the Chosen! We are so going to Hell! … You're going to Hell!

Harley: Whoa now! If I'm going down, I'm dragging you with me!

Sheena lurks near the shadows and sees the events that took place.

Sheena: Whew, I guess my mission is over at last and I barely had to do a thing.

Lloyd: Dammit …

Colette: Why are you all still here? The villagers are distracted, we have plenty of time to get away.

Everyone is flabbergasted at Colette's return … well, almost everyone.

Lloyd: She's right … Colette would want us to get away scot-free. We can figure out what to do after-

Wait for it.

Lloyd: we escape and make a memorial for Colette. Then help these two guys … it's what she would've wanted, poor swee … Col … Col-

Three, two … and one.

Lloyd: Colette!

Lloyd embraces Colette with warm joy while everyone gives him an odd stare. They finally take up this opportunity to run away while the villagers are amazingly still distracted.

Sheena: … Damn. If she can't even kill herself, what chances do I have?

They make it to the village center, where Genis and Raine give Colette a big hug, and Kratos tries to pry Lloyd off of her. He then pats her on the head and smiles.

Kratos: Glad to see you're fine, Chosen.

Genis: We thought you were dead.

Colette: Aw, I'm sorry.

Sheena: You should be.

Everyone is shocked to see Sheena, who popped out of nowhere behind Colette.

Sheena: Damn it, this is going to be harder than I thought.

Kratos: Ok, aside from revealing yourself like this, you've got to be the worst assassin I have ever seen.

Sheena: … Just you wait! Sooner or later, Chosen, you'll rot in your grave.

Linar: She's scary.

Harley: She's hot.

Sheena: I'll kill all of you too, cuss that's how tough I am … Grr!

Lloyd and Linar: Eeep!

Sheena: … I'm out of here, watch yourselves!

Colette: Bye best friend! See you tomorrow.

Sheena: Ok, later frie- … ARGGGHHHHH!

Sheena then throws one of her cards on the ground and she explodes into nothingness.

Lloyd: … Is she dead?

Kratos: Nah, she'll be back. Probably while we're asleep and defenseless and she'll just stand there doing nothing for an hour then leave.

Colette: You've noticed that too?

Kratos: Well, I barely sleep, so I just watch in a corner and … wait. Where's Raine?

Lloyd: She went back up the steps to look at the monument thingy.

All: WHAT!?

Lloyd: I said, she went up the … I cannot be this dumb. Let's get her.

They grab her halfway through the stair path, the struggle was immense. Linar almost died.

Raine: Let me go, I must study that relic!

Lloyd: Professor, Colette almost died so we wouldn't be in trouble for being near these jerks who were trying to blow up the monument. Don't let her almost death be in vain. God wants us not to be in trouble.

Raine: It would be wise to study the monument so we can investigate this Summon Spirit who takes sacrifices.

Kratos: Or we could just leave, continue with our mission and hope everything turns out ok.

Harley: Fine, leave! We don't need you losers anyway.

Linar: Do you want Aisha to be sacrificed?

Harley: Of course not!

Linar: Then why don't we let them help us?

Harley: Because, they're dorks.

Lloyd: Oh that's real mature.

Kratos: … I am not a dork.

Colette: Lloyd, let's help them, I don't want to see anybody be sacrificed other than me.

Lloyd: What?

Colette: I mean … I didn't say that last part?

Lloyd: Colette is right, no body should be sacrificed, everybody should be living, the end.

Linar: I have documents and records on this Summon Spirit that we could look over.

Raine: That's an excellent idea, we should figure out what we're dealing with before we figure out how to save your friend.

Harley: Humph, fine.

Raine and Linar head towards Aisha's home. The rest stand there for a moment.

Kratos: Sigh, how pointless.

Kratos heads out.

Genis: I wonder what this Summon Spirit actually is.

Colette: I guess we'll find out soon enough.

Genis and Colette head out and leave Lloyd by his lonesome.

Lloyd: I wonder if the mayor and the villagers have stopped staring at the sky yet-

Mayor: Hey, you down there!

Lloyd: Yikes, guys wait up!

Lloyd follows the rest.

**To Be Continued … **

_Next time on The Practice ..._

_Regal is tied up in a chair, his face has been brutally beaten. Judge Kratos, Rodyle and Botta surround him._

_Regal: You bastards, you really think you'll get away with this injustice! Jury tampering goes beyond all measures of-_

_Kratos: Don't give us that goody lawyer nonsense, the law knows no boundaries in my presence, especially in Botta's basement with all these fire arms. Hee hee hee.._

_Rodyle: Now you're going to forget this evidence of jury tampering, let Zelos Wilder fry, and move on with your life, or a lot more than your legal career will end._

_The next day Regal meets Zelos in the prison visiting center and Zelos is loosing it._

_Zelos: Listen to me! I am innocent, you know I'm innocent, that damn jury knew I was innocent, I AM INNOCENT! Now get me out of here, or I'll find some other way out._

_Regal: Don't be reckless, that's what they want, you moron!_

_Zelos: … GWAH! _

_Zelos jumps on Regal and they get into a brawl._

_Days later, Regal and Kratos sit by each other at Lloyd's funeral._

_Regal: I'm bringing this to the public, everything._

_Kratos: You'll be signing your death warrant. No one will believe you over a highly appraised judge. And in case you haven't noticed, you really had no evidence to prove that Zelos didn't do it. Show me that. _

_Lloyd: Is this evidence enough, Judge?_

_Regal: Gasp, Lloyd, you're alive!_

_Kratos: Impossible._

_Next time (or not)._


	44. Funny Christmas Tale

_Hey, CZ here. I've got a Christmas themed Funny Alternate TOS Scenario to share. To help me, here's the Storyteller from Tales of Symphnoia's Latheon Gorge Level! Take it away…_

_Storyteller: Hello children and middle aged pathetic men who live with their parents and play video games, here's a parody worth sharing. _

**Tales of Christmas **

**Santa Claus Conquers the Desians **

_Storyteller: This takes place WAY before the game actually begins. Rodyle, not being a jerk and a failure, had a human ranch near Izoold and works to serve Yggy and his friends. He starts by keeping a close eye on Colette the Chosen and doing his job. We see Rodyle and his Desian minions in a spiffy Ranch outside of Izoold. Rodyle is watching a projector showing Colette, Genis and Lloyd talking to each other somewhere in Iselia. _

Rodyle: Hahaha, I'm evil. As long as we, the Desians, keep the Chosen in danger and try and make her miserable, Yggdrassil's plan will commence!

Colette: So Lloyd, what do you want for Christmas?

Lloyd: Swords! And Candy! And a Pony Leg Bone for Noishe!

Colette: How about you Genis?

Genis: I would like a GI Albert Einstein Action Figure with Karate Chop Action Grip Claws of Science!

Colette: Wow, I hope you guys get what you want for Christmas.

Lloyd: How about you?

Colette: I just want to see Santa Claus someday … that would make me so happy.

Genis: I heard Santa is coming tomorrow, maybe you'll see him.

Colette: Oh My God! If I saw him, I would be so happy and never miserable ever!

Rodyle: Crap!

Colette: See ya guys!

Genis: Bye!

Lloyd: Is the REAL Santa coming!?

Genis: You kidding? It's most likely a guy in a Santa suit, I just thought that'd make Colette more perky than usual.

Lloyd: Just the way I like her … then eventually hate her.

Genis: Heh, that's our Colette.

_Storyteller: Rodyle gathers his Desian minions._

Rodyle: Desians! Listen up! I need a number of men to travel to the town of oracles and capture a man dressed as Santa Claus and bring him back. Objective is to distress and cause sadness towards the Chosen, causing her bad emotions to flourish and sooner or later when she get's her Key Crest thing, it'll … do something, I don't really remember how this effects the Chosen, but it does! So, any questions?

Henchman: Is it the REAL Santa!?

Rodyle: Fool, there's no such thing as Santa … not since the Khar Claus War, that is …

_Storyteller: This takes a little explaining. This is like a story within a story, just like in Hamlet … anybody? The Shakespearian play about a boy- Oops, I was telling a tale within explanation of a tale in regards to another tale. Silly me and my need to constantly talk …_

_I'm not paying you to discuss Shakespeare, you're hear to tell made up stories that make no sense. Now move it!_

_Storyteller: … Anyway, thousands of years ago, Santa Claus did exist and was up and about, delivering toys to all the good people of the word. Back then elves did serve him and insisted on working for him to create toys and such. All was good with the world, until one day, a young boy known as Mithos … didn't get what he wanted for Christmas. Not because he wasn't a good boy at the time, but frankly because what he wanted didn't exist. He went straight to the big man himself and complained._

Mithos: Haven't I been good enough!? How good does one freakin Half Elf have to be in order to get one gift!?

Santa: I'm sorry Mithos, but your gift … was a bit irrational and … well …

Mithos: What?

Santa: … It's kinda hard to fulfill your request, on your list you wrote down you wanted a "Mithos Yggdrassil Action Figure with Karate Angel Grip".

Mithos: Exactly!

Santa: … Not everyone has an action figure of themself. And I didn't know what Karate Grip Angels have-

Mithos: Enough! How dare you defy me!

Santa: Now Mithos, don't make me give you coal next year.

Mithos: You're the one who deserves coal! Death to Santa!

Santa: Ho?

_Storyteller: So as an act of retaliation for not getting an action figure that looked like himself, Mithos tricked the Elves into thinking Santa was going to sell the Elves into slavery and hire Mexicans to do all the work for 3 gald a millennium, plus dental care. So the Elves retaliated against Santa, causing a war that lasted 3000 years… because Santa is immortal and could not die. So, eventually Mithos got bored and split the world in two. Sylverant and Antartica. The Elves lived there and never spoke of Santa again, and Santa himself disappeared and was thought of only as a child's tale to tell children so they'll be their parent's loyal slaves and be good for once. _

_So… There IS a Santa Claus?_

_Storyteller: Exactly. Now, back with our tale … Rodyle's Desian men traveled to Iselia to wait for a Santa Look a Like to capture and sadden Colette. They designed a genius plot to trap Santa and capture him._

Two Desian soldiers hang out near the school dressed like pastry chefs yelling out loud.

Henchman 1: Free cookies for sale! Get your free cookies! A once in a life time bargain: wear red, get cookies for free!

Henchman 2: Look! Someone's coming!

Lloyd: Oh boy, free cookies!

Henchman 1: Crap …

Henchman 2: I'll get rid of him … here, have a free Knock Out Cookie.

Lloyd takes the cookie and engulfs it.

Lloyd: Thanks … hmm, why's it called a Knock Out Cook-

One of the Henchmen grabs a frying pan and smacks Lloyd's head with it … knocking him out.

Henchman 2: God I hate children.

Santa comes instantly and takes some cookies.

Santa: Boy! What a bargain. You'll be going on my good list, ho ho ho.

Henchman 2: Get him!

They jump on Santa and knock him out. They then immediately leave the scene. Colette walks toward the stand.

Colette: Lloyd!? Are you ok? Wake up!

Lloyd: …. Uh …. Ouchies! … Oh hey Colette, I think Santa just passed by.

Colette: What!? No! He can't leave, he has to … he has to …

Lloyd: … Serously, why was it called a Knock Out Cookie?

Colette: …What?

Lloyd: I mean, don't worry. I'm sure he'll stop by eventually.

The henchmen take Santa to Rodyle's base.

Rodyle: Excellent! Now I have this poor cheap Santa imitation, the Chosen will drown in her own tears of sadness, making her ours for the taking! Huahahah!

Santa: How evil and rude!

Rodyle: Oh, yes, what to do with you? … I'm a little low on Dragon Food.

Santa: You can't feed Santa Claus to your dragons! They'll choke on my humbleness! And that's hurtful.

Rodyle: Old man, cut the Santa crap. I'll let you go if you cut that out, don't go to Iselia and leave me the hat.

Santa: I can't promise that, I have a duty to children everywhere. And I love this hat, it fits me ever so greatly.

Rodyle: Stop pretending to be Santa you fat loser.

Santa: I remember you! You're Rodyle P. Turtleback! When you were seven you wanted a GI Pokemon action figure. GI Pikachu with karate chop action and-

Rodyle: And thunder powered arm pit attacks! Those were so cool! … Wait, how did you know that!?

Santa: Because I'm the Real Santa, DUUUUUUUHHHHHHHH.

Rodyle: … No Effin way.

Santa: Effin way indeed.

Rodyle: Amazing! … Huhahahahahahaha! This turns out even better than before!

Henchman 2: How so sir?

Rodyle: Not only did we weaken the Chosen in a small insignificant way … we now also have control over a powerful popular entity. With control over Santa we can make every single child in the whole damn world suffer and pay, and no toys or gameboys will ever reach the hand of a child, making this world full of potential future Desian soldiers! Because let's face it … we Desians are mostly just a bunch of pissed off guys taking out our anger onto society.

Santa: I can't allow you to do that Rodyle!

Rodyle: Like you're in a position to tell me what to not do! In order for this plan to work, you'll have to be eliminated! Henchmen! Slaughter him!

_Storyteller: As he gave his command, twenty Desian henchmen came to his aid. Many with spears and arrows and swords and knifes and guns and machetes and claws and shields and –_

_I think we get the general idea._

_Storyteller: The odds looked very thin for Santa, but he held up his guard._

Rodyle: Desians! Kick his ass!

_Storyteller: The Desians surrounded Santa and dog piled onto him. Rodyle could no longer see Santa, victory seemed assured … so he thought._

Santa bursted out of the rubble of Desians and one of his boots got bigger!

Santa: Jolly Boot!

He collided with the pile and they all went flying!

Rodyle: What the F-

Santa: Language!

Rodyle: Don't stand there! Kill him!

Three more henchmen charged. Santa then started to glow red and held his hands together.

Santa: Rudolph's Red Blaster!

A beam of red light poured out of his hands and defeated the Desians. Those who survived, ran away.

Rodyle: Cowards! I'll take him on!

Santa then glowed again, then a missile toe poped out of no where. Then the missile toe transformed into a Bazooka.

Rodyle: Yeah well … here I come! … …. …. Oh crap, I don't think I have any powers!

Santa: Toe Missile, bitch!

A rocket shot out and hit Rodyle. He feel to the ground all covered in coal.

Santa: Why Rodyle?

Rodyle: I never got my GI Pikachu!

Santa: I left it under the tree, which was the last year you were actually GOOD.

Rodyle: You liar! You left me a GI Gomamon Action Figure with Karate Chop Action and Fish Smell! My heart was crushed!

Santa: Pokemon, Digimon, what's the difference?

Rodyle: There's a big difference!

Santa: Blitzen Kreig!

Santa blew up, destroying the entire ranch. Santa then regenerated and walked away.

Rodyle: … Ouch.

_Storyteller: So Santa returned to Iselia , made Colette's perky face smile more than usual. He gave her tons of presents, for she was indeed a good girl. And everyone was so happy to see Santa that day, even though they didn't know if he was real or not, it didn't matter. Rodyle got his ass handed to him by his master Yggdrassil, who made him move his ranch to an island, and Rodyle was sea sick. The irony. He then swore revenge on Cruxis and Santa, of course he wouldn't dare piss off Santa again, so he just focused on being a jerk to Cruxis and everybody else. And that is how Santa saved Christmas from the Desains._

Colette: Oh boy! A GI Colette Action Figure with Karate Chop Action and a Pull String That Makes Her Talk!

She pulls the string.

Colette Doll: I'm sorry. I'm sorry. I'm SO happy. I'm sorry. I'm sorry.

Colette: So cute!

Lloyd: … Next year your getting pogs and a batch of Knock Out Cookies.

_Storyteller: The End ... how was it?_

_Does EVERYBODY have an action figure of themselves?_

_Storyteller: Sure ... I do._

_Aww ... I want one._

The End. Happy Holidays.


	45. Funny Alternate Temple of Ice 1

**Ice Station Flanoir: When Penguins Deserve to Die**

_You know what, I don't fell like telling you what this one is about. Figure it out. Spoil this:_

Lloyd: Al right, we're finally at the Temple of Ice! Now we can go get the Summon Spirit of Ice! Yay!

Damn Lloyd and his need to shout out the plot … anyway, those guys are doing what he said.

Genis: Burr, it's so cold. Damn shorts.

Regal: Try walking in the freezing cold with this so called "shirt" of mine. Barely fits me.

Raine: If you two women would stop PMS-ing about the cold, maybe we could go into the cave, hmm? Al right then.

Regal: … She's the one who is PMS-ing.

Genis: No, she's always like that. But when she does … oy.

Sheena: So far my summoning has been going well, with Volt and Undine by my side, battles have been a piece of cake.

Lloyd: IF you ever summon, providing you over limit yourself, which you rarely do.

Sheena: Hey, it's hard. It's random and I make the best of it.

Presea: Perhaps we should've purchased some jackets or sweaters before leaving for this cave.

Zelos: And miss an opportunity to view Sheena's pointy cold nipples throughout this exploration? I think not!

Sheena: Zelos, I'm really cold and just want to get into the cave. I'll kill you afterwards.

They get pass all the monsters outside and enter the cave. The others discuss a route to take while Sheena grabs Zelos and gives him a noogie, with knives.

Raine: All the way over there, that door must be the passage to the Summon Spirit.

Lloyd: We'll need to pass that waterway over there.

Genis: Look, another Sorcerer Ring Ability Changer.

Presea: Let's see what it does.

Zelos: Ow! My brain basket has holes in it!

Sheena: Don't worry, nothing will fall out.

Zelos: Oh, that's good … wait-

Lloyd: Both of you, quiet.

Lloyd walks up to the machine and the Sorcerer's Ring glows. It's ability has changed, now it shoots a cold chilling spray of ice.

Regal: Just what we need in an ice cave … an ice beam.

Genis: Turn it back, I wanna be warm.

Zelos: Shoot it at Sheena's rack and see what happens.

Raine and Sheena give him a dirty glare.

Zelos: … It's a science experiment?

Raine: You wouldn't do anything in the name of science even if it involved all the bikini goddesses in the world.

Zelos: I would too … I would just probably get bored along the way … science bores me.

Colette: There are Bikini Goddesses in this world? I never learned of them, how exciting.

Lloyd: No, Colette, the Professor was-

Zelos: That's right my sweet little Colette, there are tons of Bikini Goddesses roaming around this world right now as we speak … they say anybody can become one, even you.

Colette: Really, how?

Zelos: Well, first you need to loose that dress and-

BONK! Sheena smashes her fist upon Zelos' face.

Sheena: You moron, she's still a teenager!

Zelos: Never too late to make it in the big leagues.

Sheena grabs Zelos by his ear and throws him on the ground. She then takes away (borrows) Lloyd's ring and freeze's Zelos.

Lloyd: Woah, awesome. A Zelosicle. I wonder what he tastes like.

Genis: Sleaze, with a slight touch of Shame, I imagine would be his flavor.

Lloyd: … I bet he tastes like strawberries.

Regal: Could we please for the love of Martel not discuss what Zelos tastes like.

They stop their discussion after coming to the conclusion that Zelos would taste like cherries, then they unfroze him by letting Genis use Fireballs on him. After the recovery, they move forward, killing many monsters along the way. They then notice a water gap in between them and the passage to the Summon Spirit. Lloyd sees water pouring out of a sewer pipe and has an idea.

Lloyd: I have an idea. Let's use the ice beam to freeze the water there so it'll freeze the pond!

He shoots the ice beam at the pouring water and it turned to ice … but in mere seconds, the ice broke and water continued to pour out.

Lloyd: Damn, it didn't work. Why didn't it work?

Genis: I don't know. I suppose the pressure from the pulsing water is too great or maybe warm for the ice beam to take it's effect … or you did it wrong.

Lloyd: Nope. Maybe it's not strong enough.

Genis: Wait! I just remembered something.

Lloyd: Don't show off.

Genis: Remember what that one guy from Flanoir said about the frozen flower known as Celsius' Tear?

Lloyd: … Uh … it's cold?

Genis: Yes, it freezes water to great strengths, I saw some left behind from monsters we defeated.

Lloyd: Well, let's use that! We'll go back and get it.

Genis: Wait, remember what else that guy said?

Lloyd: About what?

Genis: About what would happen if we just grabbed it with our bare hands?

Lloyd: Uh … You're hands will burn?

Genis: Exactly, I think, which is why we need ... what?

Lloyd: Gloves!

Genis: What kind?

Lloyd: … Umm … I would like to use a lifeline-

Genis: No!

Lloyd: Uh, oh! Penguinist!

Genis: Right! You did it!

Lloyd: Yay!

Genis: We got to get 3 Penguinist Quills and get someone in Flanoir to make them into gloves so we can pick up those flowers and freeze this pond to get to that entrance.

Lloyd: Al right! Let's go!

The rest of the group stare at them.

Sheena: …Y'know … we're here too, so feel free to update all of us on our next objectives.

They all turn away and head out, leaving Genis and Lloyd behind. They quickly tag along embarrassed.

Raine: This should be fascinating, I have never seen a Penguinist. I hear it's a unique type of monster for Tethe'alla, must be truly fascinating!

Regal: I have seen some before, they are nothing to be amazed by.

Raine: How so?

Regal: You'll see.

Sheena: There's one!

They see one popping out of the snow … and immediately start laughing.

Lloyd: Is that suppose to be a monster? Looks like some kid in a penguin costume.

Genis: Looks more like a March of the Penguins cosplayer!

Everyone laughs hysterically.

Zelos: I want to fight it just to put it out of its misery! What God would create this!

Colette: You shouldn't be so mean to it, this … thing, is one of the God's creatures, and has a purpose.

Sheena: Colette's right. It's purpose is to die so we can make gloves out of his quills!

Colette: No! That's not what I meant at al-

Lloyd: Colette, and Sheena by association, are right! Let's do this thing!

They all run for this creature, scaring it off. It comes back with a giant snowball, which he hurls at the group. They break free from the snowball and gang up on the Penguinist.

Penguinist: Ahh!!! Stop, stop!

All: It can talk?

Penguinist: Please stop … please.

Everyone backs off away from him, he removes the penguin suit head.

Penguinist: Look, my real name is Ronald and I'm not a monster.

Lloyd: It's a human. What the?

Colette: What are doing out in the cold like this?

Ronald: We Penguinists are not monsters, we are simply people who worship the way of the Penguins. Ever since the release of March of the Penguins-

Genis: Thought so.

Ronald: We've seen the majestic ways of their living, they embrace the hardships of the cool, take care of each other, and eat fish. So we create costumes and roam the land, to become one with these majestic birds that do not fly… because of their great fatness.

Raine: So … Penguinists are not a race of monsters, but rather a cult.

Ronald: It's not a cult! It's a preferred way of living, it's a wonderful cold lifestyle we chose to-

Genis: Can we kill this guy already and take his quills or what?

Colette: Genis, we can't kill a living human being just because he's slightly insane.

Ronald: … I'm not insane.

Regal: Being insane and being brainwashed are slightly different. So far, we see nothing about this man's beliefs that would be considered "insane".

Ronald: Thank you sir. Would like to join our rituals?

Raine: … What rituals?

Later that night Ronald, the Symphonia Gang and thirty to sixty Penguinists gather near a giant block of ice and are pecking at it for three straight hours for no good reason. Then after a feast of fish guts and caviar, they bring out a live penguin and sacrifice it by nailing it to a cross (Christ Style). Then they dance, and Lloyd and his friends vomit. The next morning, they awaken from their vomit piles.

Ronald: So, you guys want to join us?

Lloyd: …Uh, no thank you. We're good.

Zelos: We'll just take your quills and be on our way.

Ronald: Give you MY quills? Never! Why should I?

Lloyd: Look, Ronald, we had a deal! Now stick to your end!

Ronald: ... What deal?

Lloyd: We agreed to watch your rituals if you would give us Penguinist Quills in the end.

Ronald: No we didn't.

Lloyd: ... You sure?

Ronald: Pretty sure.

Lloyd looks to Raine for reassurance.

Raine: He's right, we never made a deal of any circumstances.

Lloyd: ... Damn it, I forgot!

Presea: In Lloyd's defense, he probably forgot about making a bargain after he volunteered to peck at the giant block of ice with the other Penguinists, with his forehead.

Lloyd: ... I don't remember that either.

Raine: Hmm, good point ... oh well, guess I'll have get the goods.

Ronald: Why should I give any of you Anti-Penguinites anything?

Raine: If you fail to give us your quills, we may feel the urge to notify the authorities of your obvious cult acts.

Ronald: … Was it that bad?

Colette: YOU KILLED A PENGUIN!!!

Ronald: Only so that it's spirit would transcend into Penguin Heaven.

Colette: Aww, that is kind of cute … but still horrible!

Ronald: Really?

Lloyd: You don't want to know what the Tethe'alla law enforcement and PETA will do to you guys.

Ronald: Yikes. Ok, ok, here take my quills.

Received 3 Penguinist Quills.

Lloyd: Now we gotta go back to town to make these into gloves.

Genis: But what if we can't find the Tears when we come back to that spot.

Lloyd: You're right …

They all stare at Ronald.

Ronald: My "I'm in Danger" senses are tingling. Gotta go eat fish droppings. Bye guys!

They grab him and beat him up till he gives up. They return to the cave and go to the spot where the Celsius' Tear was left.

Lloyd: You stay here and guard this while we go make gloves so we can pick them up.

Ronald: Fine.

The team heads back to Flanoir while Ronald waits.

Ronald: Wait a minute. There were eight of them, and only one of me. Why didn't any of them stay behind?

A pack of wolves suddenly appear and surround Ronald, with teeth gnarling and eyes glaring.

Ronald: … Oh fishsticks.

**To Be Continued …**


	46. Funny Alternate Temple of Ice 2

**Ice Station Flalnoir: Fifty Degrees Below Freezing My Ass Off**

_Last time, our friends went through Ice Spirit Temple, and failed miserably. They had to rely on penguin people and … something happened and … look, if you didn't even bother to read the previous chapter, then your missing out on some high quality "stuff to know beforehand info". For the rest of you, enjoy. Spoilers:_

Five days have passed since Lloyd and his friends departed from the Temple to obtain Penguinist Gloves, and they're on the way back to the temple.

Lloyd: Boy howdy, that was an exciting five days. We got the Penguinst Gloves right on time and did lots of cool stuff while we waited for them to be made!

Sheena: Remember when Zelos and Regal got into a Giant Snowman Making Contest, and Zelos won because he kept on using ice-based magic so he'd have more snow to use. Then when Regal found out, he killed Zelos. That was awesome!

Genis: Ha, yeah! Then we had to leave him there for a couple of hours because we didn't have any life potion on us at the time, so his body got taken away by puppies.

Lloyd: Of course I remember … I was there. And yes, it was funny.

Zelos: Sigh, so unloved.

Regal: I warned you about my policy on cheating. One strike and it's the death penalty.

Zelos: Remind me to take everything you say literally from now on.

Presea: Very wise.

Colette: Snowmen are adorable.

Regal received the title of "Brutally Honest."

Lloyd: We can never tell what he's gonna mean when he says anything, he's got such a serious face, it's almost … almo … huh?

Lloyd pauses for a second and sees a shadowy figure to his left side, he cannot see what the shadow is since it's so far away. He turns to his companions to tell them of his discovery, but they did not stop with him when he paused, in fact, they did not notice at all that he stopped because they weren't paying attention to what he was saying. He figured he might as well go to the shadowy unknown figure in the distance and discover for himself what it was. He ran towards the mysterious shadow until his face was revealed, it's none other then our friendly neighborhood Kratos.

Lloyd: Kratos … what's he doing here?

Kratos is gazing out at the sky and Lloyd does not wish to disturb him … however, he IS their enemy now, so he might as well.

Lloyd: HI KRATOS!

Kratos: Oww … Oh, it's you. How are you?

Lloyd: What do you mean "how am I?" What are you doing here?

Kratos: Staring at the morning sky.

Lloyd: Yeah right, you're always showing up with a hidden purpose foreshadowing something else, you're just not telling me.

Kratos: My purpose is to enjoy the morning sky's beauty before the afternoon begins. Satisfied?

Lloyd: … No.

They continue speaking as the others finally reach the Temple.

Raine: Wait a minute, I don't hear Lloyd saying something stupid.

They look around and FINALLY realize an absent Irving.

Raine: No wonder, there is no Lloyd to say anything stupid.

Colette: Should we go after him?

Genis: It's cold out and I'm freezing to death by the walk here alone.

Zelos: Fine, how about one of us goes out to find him while we go get the Tears? I nominate Genis!

Raine: Second!

Sheena: Agreed.

Regal: Sounds reasonable.

Presea: Acceptable.

Colette: A little cold weather isn't going to kill you.

Genis: … I hate all of you.

Back to Lloyd and Kratos.

Lloyd: I give up, I don't care why you're here.

Kratos: I'm here doing evil Cruxis stuff. There, satisfied?

Lloyd: Was that so hard?

Kratos: … Lloyd.

Lloyd: Wh-what is it?

Kratos: Though we are not on the same side, I still feel the need to tell you what to do. And I think you should stop being so trusting. Not everyone is who they say they are. To you, a stranger is a friend. That was your mistake with me.

Lloyd: You just like pointing out how much smarter you are than me.

Kratos: Intelligence has nothing to do with it, it's a matter of having a keen eye open. Remember to stay alert, and maybe you'll survive. Good bye.

He teleports away, Lloyd stands there confused and angry that he left without being able to discuss the matter further.

Lloyd: Damn it … why didn't he ever teach me how to teleport?

Genis: Lloyd!

Lloyd: Genis?

Genis: There you are, the others are worried so much.

Lloyd: Sorry I was … uh … NOT talking to Kratos in a random Z-Skit. Promise.

Genis: … Ok, let's go- Ow!

He trips over a rock and falls in the snow.

Lloyd: Careful. Thank goodness you missed that yellow snow.

Genis: Yeah … yellow?

Genis stands up, he and Lloyd back up to see "Kratos was Here" written in the snow … gross.

Lloyd: … He could've just said he was taking a wiss and I would've left no problem.

Genis: Hmm, so angels DO urinate.

Genis and Lloyd run to catch up to the others. The others already made it to the site where the Tears were dropped behind, right next to a Penguinist suit with a skeleton inside.

Zelos: Hmm … why would Ronald leave his suit behind with a skeleton inside?

Raine: … I think that is Ronald.

Presea: Oh dear, the wolves must've gotten to him.

Regal: What wolves?

Colette: Puppies?

Presea: While we were leaving Ronald alone in this area, I saw a pack of wolves hiding near some bushes near by.

Sheena: Why didn't you say anything!?

Presea: I figured he could hold up his guard until we came back. But I miscalculated the possibility that he would be wolf food.

Raine: Sigh, poor little freak.

Colette: Sigh, no puppies.

Lloyd and Genis finally made it to the rest.

Lloyd: Sorry I was left behind. Did we get the Tears?

Presea holds them in her hand with the gloves.

Presea: Yes.

Lloyd: Sweet!

Presea: Ronald is dead.

Lloyd: Noooooooooooooooooooooooo!!

They gather around his corpse, and have a moment of silence.

Lloyd: …

Genis: … Fireball.

Genis sets the corpse and Penguinist suit on fire.

Genis: Now his penguin soul will descend into the heavens … well, most likely not due to all the sacrifices and orgies his people have, but … he might get lucky. Maybe God likes penguin cosplayers.

Zelos: No.

Genis: Fine, whatever. Let's just go do this thing.

They reach where they got stuck.

Lloyd: Ok, let's freeze the water. Go!

Presea dropped the Tears near the pipe pouring water, and the water near them froze.

Lloyd: Woo! Now all we have to do is ice skate our way to that door and Celsius will be ours!

They stepped on the ice and tried to make their way through safely, but kept falling and bumping into eachother along the way. They were very lacking in balance at this point. After an hour or so, they finally made it across. They ran into a giant door and tried to open it, and were unsuccessful.

Sheena: … Hmm, look at the way these pillars here are facing.

Raine: There must be a pattern here we're aware of at this moment. Let's go back and find clues to-

Sheena: Volt! Blast that door to oblivion!

She summoned Volt who "blasted the door to oblivion".

Zelos: Whoa, nice. Saved us a lot of time.

Colette: Way to go Sheena! You rule.

Lloyd: Sorry brain, not gonna use you today! Haha!

Raine: Sigh, another complicated puzzle resolved through mere abuse of power. Does no one want to actually use their brains for once!?

Lloyd: Once again, haha!

Raine: I meant that question for those who have brains.

The group finally enters the seal and a blue glimmering light appears. When they get closer, the light fades and a woman appears. With blue skin as cold as the look in her eyes, it was the Summon Spirit of Ice, Celsius.

Lloyd: So this is Celsius?

Zelos: Wow, she is a hotty.

Celsius: Excuse me?

Sheena: Zelos, she is a Summon Spirit! You show her some Godddamed respect!

Zelos: Hey there ice queen, want me to warm you up.

Celsius. You're hot headed. I don't like heat. Blizzard!

Zelos: Ahhh!!

Sheena pushed Zelos out of the way, then quick jumps out of the way of the attack.

Celsius: Hey! That was quite rude.

Sheena: I am Sheena, I came to make a pact!

Celsius: Tough, I already am bound to a pact with Mithos.

Lloyd: Mithos, again?

Sheena: I ask that thou forget about Mithos and work with me instead.

Celsius: … Very well. Let's see if you are worthy! Come!

Lloyd: Alright!

Raine: Ok, let's gather into two groups. Lloyd, your grou-

Raine is interrupted by a punch in a gut by a incredibly fast Celsius. She is knocked out cold. (No pun intended.)

Genis: Sis! Why you li-

Celsius quickly grabs Genis and twirls him around. She then lets go of him, and he collides with Presea and Lloyd.

Regal: I see, she is experienced in hand to hand combat. We'll see how she fairs against my almighty feet-

Celsius punches him in the face, knocking him out. Celsius then quickly runs and stops in front of Zelos.

Zelos: Uh oh.

Celsius: Hehe. Cool off.

She smacks Zelos across the face, then blows some ice on him. Before the ice completely covers him, he shouts.

Zelos: I don't wanna be a Zeloscicle again-

But he did in fact become a Zeloscicle again. She then throws the Zelosicle at Colette. All that's left standing is Celsius and Sheena. Celsius wags her finger at Sheena, as if to say "tsk tsk".

Celsius: I can't learn anything about my possible new pact forger if I have to fight eight random losers. A one on one match should make this more fitting. And more fun.

Sheena: Very well. I'm gonna get Ninjitsu on your ass!

They collide in a hand to hand brawl of epic proportions. So epic, it's a shame that you're reading about it instead of seeing it. The fallen warriors, though covered in pain, see this battle and are caught in the awe of the moment. Zelos sees this battle through the ice and just admires the fact he's watching a godly cat fight. Minus the clothes tearing and scratching, though that would be cool … anyway, back to the fight. They seemed evenly matched and there seemed to be no end in sight. Genis gains enough strength to stand up to aid her quickly. Celsius takes notice.

Celsius: Hold on a second, I see a little bug that needs squishing!

Sheena: Genis, run!

Celsius heads towards Genis as he quickly does a spell, finally he unleashes it before her.

Genis: Fireball!

A fireball barely touches Celsius, like around the shoulder. All that could be seen was a tiny burn mark.

Celsius: … Uh oh.

She is then caught on fire.

Celsius: Ahhhhhhhhh!! Oh god! Oh dear merciful God, put it out, put it out!!

Genis: Only if you agree to come with us.

Celsius: Fine! Just please put it out!! Ahhhhh, the burning!!

Genis: Aqua Edge!

The fire is put out.

Celsius: Oh dear God that was dreadful … how did you know my one weakness was anything room temperature or above!

Genis: I just guessed fire plus ice will equal a victory on our side.

Sheena grabs Genis and gives him a big ol ninja girl hug.

Sheena: Aw, come here! You are sooo awesome, I love ya! How can I ever repay you!

Genis: Stop hugging me! Your breasts are suffocating my small head!

Sheena: Deal.

She drops him. Everybody quickly recovers from their wounds and their embarrassment and gather around Sheena and Celsius. Presea chisels Zelos out of the ice with a pointy stick so he can join them.

Celsius: Sigh, ok, let's get this over with. What's your stupid vow?

Sheena: For the sake of everyone who doesn't want to live in a twisted pair of worlds ruled by evil angels, I ask that thou give me your power so I can be super stronger.

Celsius: Hmm … somewhat original. Very well.

She starts to fade away her physical form and turns into a little blue spark of light, which enters Sheena.

Lloyd: Now we need the fire Summon Spirit whose name I forgot in order to do something involving mana links.

Colette: We're counting on you Sheena.

Sheena: Pfft, no pressure or anything.

**End … ?**

**Not just yet!**

Afterwords, Lloyd and the others felt it was right to tell the other Penguinists of Ronald's untimely demise.

Lloyd: And so, because of that, we are really sorry.

Penguinist: No! He was my husband! Waaaaaaaaaaah!

Genis: But, you're a man.

Penguinist: Waaaaaaaaaaaaaaa-

Ronald: What's wrong?

Everyone: GASP!

They see Ronald, clearly alive without his pengunist suit.

Colette: Ronald, how the Neil Patrick Harris did you survive.

She's trying something new where she replaces swear words with celebrity names.

Ronald: Where were you guys!? I waited days for you to come back! At some point I figured you forgot about me so I left.

Regal: But your suit was exactly where we left you, and there was a skeleton in there.

Ronald: Oh, well I can explain that. While waiting, a tribe of hungry wolves came to me. I thought they were going to eat me, but they didn't. I had forgotten that the penguins and the wolves have made a peace treaty between the two races, so they were just there to aid me. They realized, I was bored and a little hungry, so they brought me a dead hiker to feed on.

Everyone: … What!?

Ronald: Not as good as fish, but not bad either. Then I got bored and just decided to leave. I left the bones of the hiker in my suit so the wolves can easily find them and chew on them when they want to, as thanks. Luckily I adapted to the cold and made the grueling trip back here. And here you all are.

Colette: … You are a horrible human being.

Ronald: I know. That's because I am a penguin.

Lloyd: Let's get the Hell out of here.

Raine: Agreed. Let's do so.

They all run like Hell away from the Penguinist Tribe.

Ronald: Bye, you are always welcomed back!

Penguinist: ... Sigh,wWhen will society truly understand the ways of the penguin?

Ronald: I don't know hunny, I just don't know ... I'm hugry. Wanna eat some fish while we discuss soemthing involving fish?

Penguinst: Oh my, how romantic.

… **NOW it's The End.**


	47. Funny Abyssion and Nebilim Sitcom

**Aby and Nebi**

_Who would give Abyssion, sidequest offerer who turns out to be a liar, and Nebilim, evil dark lord and most powerful being on the plant, a sitcom? No one. It sounded as promising as a crossover between a soap opera and a monster truck show. Luckily for us, someone was just idiotic enough to give them a shot. This is the never before seen pilot for "Aby and Nebi", a sitcom in which Abyssion takes a break from searching for the Devil's Arms YET is still partially possessed by the dark lord Nebilim. So what do they do? They rent an apartment and get into wacky mishaps, of course! It was never before seen due to lack of interest and the entire three episode season cost more than the budget could handle. So, without further ado, I present to you the pilot episode for "Aby and Nebi". Enjoy:_

"He's a monster hunter, Abyssion's his name.

He's an evil spirit, Nebilm, he's less lame.

Together they could dominate all,

Separate, they will fall!

One apartment! Two guys! One bed!?

One of them is dead!

So instead of fighting for wrong,

Let's just end this stupid song!

Living with Aby and Nebi! Yah!"

God I hate myself-- I mean "Aby and Nebi" was filmed in front of a live fictional studio audience.

Abysion enters through the front door of his snazzy one room apartment, with a crappy couch and a fuzzy TV. We hear squabbling from outside his apartment, Abbyssion yells.

Abyssion: No Mr. Amendaz, no rent yet. Try tomorrow to … woah, look at the time, bye!

Audience: Hahahahahahahahahaha!

Abyssion closes the door then he starts to shake and his hair keeps moving around, almost changing color. Nebilim has now taken control and shouts.

Nebilim: You'll get your rent … when Hell erupts from below your floors and kills you!

Audience: Hahahaha! Wooooooooooo!

Abyssion: Lord Nebilim, that wasn't really nice. I already worked an agreement with Mr. Amandez. He'll allow us a couple of weeks to pay the rent if YOU don't shout at him.

Nebilim: Pathetic mortal and their weak emotions! He got all into our business asking questions like "Where's your original body?" and "Are you the devil or something?" So, to respond, I called his daughter a Half Elven whore, and all of the sudden, I'M the racially insensitive one!

Audience: Hahahahahahahaha!

Abyssion: Be that as it may, I appreciate it if you would cease the constant controlling me and yelling for tonight.

Nebilim: WHY!?

Abyssion: Ow, my ears.

Audience: Hahaha.

Abyssion: Weren't you paying attention at all when I went to the market place?

Nebilim: No! I was too distracted by thoughts of slaughtering all the people of the world, and bathing in the blood of the innocent!

Audicne: Hahahhaa! Wooooo!! (applause)

Abyssion: … Anyway, today at the market, I met a fascinating woman. We were talking and she mentioned she had tickets for a show and invited me to attend with her. She's coming over tonight to pick me up.

Nebilim: Does she look beautiful?

Abyssion: Very.

Nebilim: Beautiful enough to bow before my power and Die!?

Audience: Hahahahahahaha!!

Abyssion: Shut up! I like her, and she really seemed to like me … yes, me … just me. Singular … me. As far as she knows-

Nebilim: What do you mean by that!?

Abyssion: …

Nebilim: You didn't tell her did you!?

Abyssion: … Tell her what?

Nebilim: That you are a vessel to dark lord of evil that will dominate all of mankind, once all the Devil's Arms are combined, leading to the age of chaos! Also that occasionally I possess you, and let you do thy bidding, for your soul belongs to me! No one can defy me!!

Abyssion: … Yeeeeeeeeeah. Slipped my mind.

Audience: Ahahahahahahahaha!!

Nebilim: Eventually she will find out! Mortal women outshine you sad excuses for a male race in every shape and form!

Abyssion: Sigh, I know master. But please, do me this ONE favor, and just … shhhh ….shut up?

Audience: Ooooooooohh! Get him Nebi! He's gonna get it! Woo!

Nebilim: … Me? Silence!?

Audience: Ohhhhh-

Nebilim: SHUT YOUR FACE HOLES!!

Audience: …

Abyssion: Just for tonight. You owe me! We don't have enough money for decent food because I have no money BECAUSE I didn't get a job last week BECAUSE YOU messed with MY resume!

Audience: …

Neblim: I'll allow you to respond now!

Audience: …Heh heh heh.

Nebilim: …What was my line again? Oh yeah, I was helping! I figure adding "Vessel of dark, evil overlord summoned by the Necronomicon" would really make your resume stand out!

Audience: Hahahahahahaha!

Abyssion: He thought I was insane! He suggested I get help, go to a drug rehab center.

Nebilim: The only thing YOU are addicted to is EVIL!!

Audience: Whoop! Whoop! Whoop!

Abyssion: Just do this one favor for me, and I swear next time we go shopping, I won't try on dresses just to piss you off anymore.

Audience: Ahahahahhaa!

Nebilim: …Very well. Though that summer dress looked cute … I MEAN EVIL!!

Audience: HAHAHAHA!!

Later that night! Abyssion is wearing a snazzy tuxedo, waiting for his date to arrive. The doorbell rings.

Abyssion: Oh God, that's her … I'm nervous. What should I do.

Nebilim: Kill her!

Audience: Hahahhahaaha.

Abyssion: On the first date?

Audience: Ohhhhh!! Hahahaha.

Abyssion: Here I go.

He opens the door, and a pretty young woman greets him, played by Sheena. The audience goes wild, as they always do when celebrity guests appear. After they calm down, she walks in.

Sheena: Hello. You look pretty handsome this evening.

Abyssion: Not as handsome as you. Oh, no wait-

Audience: Hahahahaha!

Abyssion: I mean pretty! Pretty, beautiful, girl handsome … those words.

Sheena: Uhhh … ooooook?

Audience: Hahaha.

Sheena: Shall we get going? I got two tickets to a sword wielding monkey show, first row.

Nebilim: That sounds entertaining!

Abyssion quickly covers his mouth.

Audience: Hahahahaha! Uh oh! Here it goes!

Sheena: …Yeah, it does. Are you ready?

Abyssion: Of course. I'll just get a jacke-

Nebilim: We don't need a jacket! Let' just go! I wanna see monkeys kill themselves-

Abyssion: Shut up! I told yo-

Nebilim: We don't need a jacket!

Abyssion: It's for her!

Nebilim: She doesn't need a jacket! She's wearing a long sleeve shirt!

Abyssion: It's complimentary for the man to offer her date a sweater!

Nebilim: Yeah well she's dating someone with connections to greatest power known to man! When I rule this world, there will be no need for sweaters and jackets! The world will be covered in the warm embrace of Hell fire and blazing lava!!

While this goes on, the audience is laughing hysterically and Sheena just runs away.

Abyssion: Oh will you PLEASE spare me! All you do is blabber on and on about your alleged greatness! Always "No one can defy me" this, and "Fear my power" that! Here's something I'd like you to say for once, "Don't worry Abyssion, I'LL take out the garbage this time!"

Audience: Ohhhhhhhhhhh!! Oh no, he didn't.

Nebilim: I would take out the trash, but you're too fat to fit in the trash bag! Also, I'd accidently be throwing myself away … … … You're stupid!

Audience: Ooooooooooooooh! Burn!

Abyssion: You son of a- … Sheena?

He looks around to realize she is gone.

Abyssion: Way to go, you ass! Now I'll never get laid … oh, also I might never find true love.

Nebilim: Who on this green rock filled with meat bags would EVER consider mating with a sad sack of loserness like you!

Audience: Ohhhh-

Nebilim: THAT'S IT!

Nebilim completely takes control and wields the Nebilim Blade and goes into the audience and chops off one of the audience members heads.

Audience Member Near the Beheaded Audience Member: … Ahhhhhhhh!!

Nebilim: Who's laughing now!? Huh? Huh!? Suffer!! Di-

Special Announcer: We apologize, there is some … technical difficulties going on in the set. Please stand by … … … … … … … … … … … … … … … Dear God man!? That's enough- I mean, STILL difficulties going on- Wait! No, put it down! Nooooooooo-

After the tragic demise of thirty audience members and the Special Announcer, Abyssion once again regained control and went back on the set … pretending that nothing happened.

Abyssion: … Hey. Look what Sheena left on the ground.

Nebilim: … Wh-what is it? I mean, What is it!?

Abyssion: It's the tickets for the monkey show.

Neblim: Excellent! One for each of us!

Remaining Audience: … Heh heh heh?

Abyssion: Technically it's a ticket per body, so one will do just fine.

Nebilim: Then what shall we do with the spare!? Sacrifice it with the Fires of Hell!?

Remaining Audience: Hahaha.

Abyssion: I think we found a way to pay off Mr. Amendaz for another week.

Nebilim: That's mildly clever! Hahahahahaha!

Abyssion: Hahahaha! Oh, you!

Remaining Audience: Hahahahahahaha!!

"That's Aby and Nebi, it's the end of the show,

We'd like to see more, but it's time to go!

Just remember to smile and don't ever cry,

Or Nebilim's gonna get mad then you'll die! Die! Die!

That was Aby and Nebi! Yah!"

**The End**


	48. Funny Alternate Asguard Event 3

**Ass Guard 3**

_When we last left our "heroes?", they discovered the quest for World Regeneration doesn't just effect them … it should, but it also effects a bunch of people in a stupid village. Will they find a way to stop Aisha's sacrifice? Will they discover the mystery behind the Summon Spirit of Wind? Will Presea ever reclaim her soul fro- Whoops, too far. Oh well, read on! Spoilerz:_

The gang meets at Aisha's house, where Linar discusses with Raine the ritual that Aisha must perform before being gobbled up by a monster. How lovely.

Linar: This has been going on for a while now, the Summon Spirit has been demanding magazines, candy bars, a new born baby chicken and a virgin sacrifice. We couldn't afford to loose so much, so the Summon Spirit decided to just stick with the virgin sacrifice.

Raine: My village would've done the same.

Linar: Before the sacrifice, Aisha has to perform a special dance to summon the monster. After the dance is performed, the monster takes Aisha away, and we're safe for another year. Unless he's hungry again, in which case, we'll be safe for the next two months.

Lloyd: How about we let Aisha NOT dance. That way, the monster can't be summoned and the village will be safe.

Harley: That won't do. We tried that two years ago, the monster just got really pissed off and went on a murdering spree all his own. We lost our sister city to the south because of that.

Lloyd: Ah … so that's a no.

Kratos: This is a no-brainer. Aisha will summon the monster, we'll kick its butt and everyone will live happily ever after.

Colette: I like that idea.

Harley: We went to go blow up the monument so that Aisha WON'T dance and WON'T put her life in danger! We know the instant that freak shows up, he'll take Aisha and you won't have time to fight it. Stupid!

Kratos: Well pardon me for thinking of an idea that didn't involve explosions and half-assed bomb producing.

Harley: Hey! I use my entire ass when creating bombs!

Kratos and Harley give each other hateful glares. The fire in their eyes burns brighter than a Molotov cocktail from a puppy's perspective, cuss to a puppy, everything is big, I assume. Their fists clench tight as their teeth grind. Luckily, Lloyd interferes to prevent,what was most sure going to be, an epic battle.

Lloyd: Calm down you two. No need for fisty cuffs.

The two decide to calm down and also decided not to kill each other … yet.

Lloyd: So we just need to find a way of getting that monster out in the open so we can attack it while also assuring Aisha's safety.

Genis: I know!

Lloyd: Genis knows!

Genis: We'll let one of us perform the ritual dance, and when the monster appears, he'll get confused and give us time to attack. Then we'll whoop his butt!

Colette: I like that idea.

Aisha: I really don't want anybody to go through so much just for me.

Harley: Well, tough, we're doing it for ya, ok?

Linar: We don't you to go Aisha, and we aren't gonna let it happen!

Aisha: Thank you … all of you.

She starts to cry a little. Colette gives her a tissue to wipe her tears.

Aisha: I'm sorry.

Colette: No need to apologize.

Aisha: Oh, I'm sorry.

Colette: No need to apologize for apologizing.

Lloyd and his friends just stared and couldn't believe what they heard … Colette telling someone else not to apologize … wow.

Genis: This is like a Twilight Zone episode. We entered a city where Colette's annoying tendencies got replaced with a random srtanger.

Lloyd instantly grabs Colette by her shoulders and pushes her to the wall.

Lloyd: Who are you and what have you done with Colette!

Genis: Lloyd! I was kidding! Krato-

Kratos releases his sword and holds the blade against Colette's neck.

Kratos: Where is Chosen!

Genis: Kratos! You too!?

Raine walks over to Colette.

Genis: Guys! I was kidding, it was just weird ho-

Raine: This isn't Colette.

Raine bops Colette on her head. Smoke appears. After smoke fades, it is revealed to be Sheena.

Genis: Sheena!

Lloyd: Breasts! I mean, Ninja Girl! I mean, Sheena! Where's Colette!?

Sheena sighs as she snaps her fingers. A chair near the dinner table appears to be surrounded in smoke as well. After the smoke clears, Colette is revealed … with a pillowcase over her head. She takes off the pillowcase, and giggles.

Sheena: I was soooooo close too.

Kratos: What's the meaning of this?

Sheena: Before you entered this house, I grabbed the Chosen and used a transformation tactic to make me appear as the Chosen and the Chosen to appear as a chair. After we leave this building, I would take the chair, leave you all, and kill her.

Raine: Why didn't you just take her and kill her? Why'd you disguise yourself and Colette? What was the point?

Sheena: … I felt like trying out some ninja tactics out. I've been rusty lately, and I figured this would be a great time to refresh on some skills, as well as complete a mission.

Kratos: Can we just kill her and get it over with?

Lloyd: No!

Lloyd hugs Sheena like a boy who just found a puppy and is convincing his parents he can take care of it. Sheena is irritated.

Lloyd: We can't kill her just because she tried to kill our friend over and over again. The important thing is, she's not very good at it. So, we shouldn't even worry about her.

Sheena: Somebody, get this spiky haired ape off of me, or I'll go postal on this entire village.

Linar: Seriously, this is the second time I've seen this woman. Who is she?

Raine: Just dead meat.

Colette: Wait, I have an idea! Sheena is SO pretty, maybe she can dance on the monument for us.

Sheena: Aw, shucks, I'm not THAT pretty. I just try to … wait! No! I hate you guys!

She breaks free of Lloyd's unbreakable bear hug. The strongest of all hugs.

Sheena: Besides, you've seen me try to be sneaky. I'm not very graceful.

Raine: That's for sure.

Sheena: Hey!

Colette gives Sheena her super powerful Puppy Dog eyes, hoping it'll convince Sheena to dance. Fortunately for Sheena, she despises the Chosen so much, during her training she imagined the Chosen as an adorable puppy. Which she was well prepared mentally to attack no matter what. So Colette's Puppy Dog eyes seemed like mere target's for Sheena … yet also, fortunately for Colette, Sheena left all her cards and ninja weapons at a nearby motel … yeah, Sheena's cute and all, but not a top notch assassin.

Sheena: Why don't YOU go dance for the monster, Chosen. Or any one of you guys?

Raine: If we're not gonna put a nice woman we barely know at risk, do you REALLY think we're gonna put the Chosen of Regeneration's life at risk?

Lloyd: I can't because I'm a boy.

Genis: I can't because I lack stamina required to perform the simplest of physical activities. Like jogging, or getting out of bed.

Harley: I don't want to cuss I know no one will help a half elf like me.

Linar: I wish to stay in the crowd and observe and study the monster.

Kratos: … D-d-d-d-dance? No, I won't be doing that.

Colette: Why not Mr. Kratos. You might be a great dancer.

Lloyd: Hee hee, Kratos dancing. Now that's something I'd like to see.

Genis: Me too.

Sheena: Me three.

Kratos: Dance … me? …

FFFFFFLLLLLAAAAASSHHHHHHHBACK!!!!!!!!!

There is a theater audience full of Desians. Behind the theater stage curtain are two people. One being the mighty angel Lord Yggdrasil. The other, Kratos ... wearing a ballerina tutu.

Yggdrasil: Get out there Kratos, the boys came here for a show.

Kratos: I still don't see why I have to do this.

Yggdrasil: Do I have to go over the terms of our bet, again?

Kratos: Yes.

Yggdrasil: The deal was that if you could eat an entire boar, covered in tin foil, then you would rule over Derris Kharlan for a week. If you couldn't eat the boar, then you have to dance in a ballerina tutu in front of the entire Desian army for 5 hours.

Kratos: It's not fair! I didn't know I was allergic to tin foil.

Yggdrail: Not my fault.

Kratos: I am one of the Forur Seraphim. I shouldn't have to put up with this cra-

Before Kratos could finish, Yggdrasil pushes him onto the stage. The moment he got there … he froze. He just stood into the blankness of space, as the audience began to shout.

Desian Minion: Do something!

Desian Minion 2: C'mon Lord Kratos! Bust-a-move!

Yuan: You suck!

Kratos could not hear them, he just froze. The pressure was too much for him.

Desians: Booo!!!!!

They began throwing tomatoes at him … why they have tomatoes with them is another story. They threw tomatoes at Kratos for an hour, till Kratos eventually fall to the ground and cried. And everyone laughed, and laughed, and laughed, and laughed, and laughed, and …

FLASHBACK OOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOVER!

Kratos: and laughed, and laughed, and laughed, and laughed-

Lloyd: Kratos? Are you okay? You've been staring into space for five minutes now? If you don't wanna dance, that's oka-

Kratos: NO! NEVER AGAIN! NEVER!!!!!!

Lloyd: … Yeah, we talked it over and the Professor said she would do it, so it's oka-

Kratos: NEVER AGAIN!

Kratos runs out of the house, screaming frantically.

Everyone: …

Sheena: … Um … I'm … I'm gonna go now.

Sheena disappears again. While the rest of the group tries to recover from what just happened.

Lloyd: … So, Professor, you're gonna do it?

Raine: Yeah, sure.

Aisha: I'll give you the uniform and teach you the dance moves. Everyone else, come back here in an hour.

Lloyd: Okay, let's go and try to find Kratos.

Will they find Kratos? Will the ritual go smoothly? Is there really a need for this part in the game to be more than a three-parter in my story!? Find out next time!!!!!!!

**To Be Concluded … Maybe …**


	49. Funny Alternate Asguard Event 4

**Ass Guard 4: Let's Dance!**

_Last time on Days of Our Symphonian Lives._

_Raine: I'm pregnant._

_Colette: So am I!_

_Botta: So am I!?_

_Regal: I had a nightmare a couple of days ago where I was making love to three wildebeests … strange, huh?_

_Raine, Colette and Botta: …_

_Regal: … Oh dear._

_Magnius: HAHAHA! MY EVIL PLAN IS WORKING!_

_And now, the stunning conclusion of … where do I keep finding these random previews from previous chapters that NEVER happened? Weird. Anyways … ah hell, I forgot what happened last time … let's just start the chapter and go with it. Spoilers, I assume:_

Lloyd and the others return to Aisha's house where they see Raine in a lovely maiden outfit. With a sleeveless shirt and a weird hat, the outfit just screams "Maiden".

Lloyd: Wow Professor, you look very nice.

Colette: Yeah, so totally cute!

Raine: Why, thank you Lloyd and Colette. The hat is a little much I think.

Aisha: It is VITAL to the outfit!

Raine: Okay, okay, if you say so. So, have you guys found Kratos?

Genis: We looked everywhere, but couldn't find him.

Raine: Oh well, he'll show up eventually. Let's go to the monument and get this crap over with.

They take her advice and rush straight to the stadium. There, the rest stand by while watching Raine dance.

Colette: Wow, isn't the Professor a beautiful dancer?

Lloyd: … I guess?

Lloyd wonders what Colette's definition of "dancer" is, seeing as how all he can see is Raine walking from one area to another, stabbing the podium with her staff, and walking some more.

Lloyd: Pfft, if that is dancing, then I could have done it, no problem.

Genis: Maybe there's more to it than meets the eye. Maybe going from one spot to another helps her spread her energy around the stage. While hitting the floor with the bottom of her staff might involve transference of Mana or her spirit or … something.

Harley: Actually the ritual just involves causing a ruckus up above so that the "Summon Spirit" will rise up due to him being pissed off about the noise.

Genis: Oh … that's lame.

Raine: QUIET! I CAN'T CONCENTRATE!

Genis, Harley and Lloyd: Sorry!

After Raine finishes her dance, a figure appears before her. A monster with … his lower body being an axe … Okay.

Wind Master: I've come for the gir- You're not the girl!

Raine: And you're not a Summon Spirit!

Wind Master: … Are too.

Raine: Are not!

Wind Master: Are too!

Raine: No way! A Summon Spirit wouldn't be an ugly sack of ugly like you!

Wind Master: … U … Ugly?

Lloyd: Professor! I don't think it's wise to insult the man eating monster!

Raine: Oh please, the bats and wolves in Iselia were more threatening.

The Wind Master starts to get angry, a cyclone arises from him. An evil aura surrounds his body. And … a single tear falls from his eye. The wind, the evil aura, both disappear, as the creature begins to cry.

Raine: Wha … what's wrong, ugly?

Wind Master: That's what's wrong! You think I like this? You think I like stealing women from villages!? Hell no! I do it because it's the only way I can get a girl … a girl who will hold me and tell me everything's gonna be okay! I've been ugly my entire life, I didn't choose to be a monster … I was born into this life! Is it my fault I was wrongly born a monster, while also being born with a human heart! … Is it!?

Everyone else weeps as well.

Lloyd: I thought I knew what a monster was, but I was wrong.

Genis: It's not a being with a 2 dimensional personality that we can just chop up and leave, it's a living being. With emotions, emotions as weak as our own.

Colette: I always believed that everything in life was beautiful, even the ugliest of puppies can be so cute.

Harley: I never thought of it like this.

Linar: None of us did.

Aisha: Poor monster.

Sheena: You guys are freakin morons.

Raine: Monster, I too know how it feels to be persecuted due to things we cannot control. The blood running through my veins, I didn't choose to have this blood, to be this race … though I've come to terms with it, I can understand the pain.

Raine drops her staff and gives the monster a hug.

Wind Master: … Thank you.

Raine: No … thank you.

Wow, what a powerful moment. I guess the moral here is that it doesn't matter what race you are, what status you hold, or how you look physically. Those are all outward characteristics, and don't matter where it counts; the inside of a living being, where the heart, the mind and the soul reside. Where true beauty can be found, and can be appreciated. This ending, though not humorous, should surely be an example to us all about- **NAAAAAAAAAAAAAAHHHHH!!!!!** JUST KIDDING!

Wind Master: No … thank you … for being so gullible!

The monster grabs Raine, holds her up and sets his … lower body axe … thingy, back so it'll slice Raine in two when pushed forward.

Lloyd: You bastard!

Lloyd rushes to Raine's aid, luckily he makes it in time and slices the monster's arm off, letting go of Raine. The axe pushes forward and, with no Raine to slice, it instead hits his head.

Wind Master: Ahhhhhhhhhhhh!!!!!!!!

Genis: Talk about a splitting headache.

The Wind Master, having his head chopped in half, falls to his death. He then instantly turns to dust, and blows with the wind. How hilariously fitting.

Lloyd: … Well, that took little to no effort.

Yeah, that's why I was going for the sappy happy ending.

Mayor: Wow, that was simply exquisite!

Raine: Really? I feel as if I did nothing at all.

Harley: The point is that the Summon Spirit is gone and Aisha is safe! Thanks a lot Raine. Nice to know I have other half-elves I can trust.

Genis: … We … we're not half-elves.

Harley: What? I think I would notice my own kind-

He sees Genis look down, as the Mayor and other villagers give him dirty looks … which is weird considering we just went over how you shouldn't judge people based on factors they couldn't control!!!!! God, video game people are stupid! Stupid heads!

Harley: … My mistake, of course you ain't half-elves. You ain't worthy of an awesome race like mine. Well, technically you're halfway there, in a sense, wait … I dunno.

Genis: _Harley, thanks._

Lloyd pats Genis on the shoulder and smiles.

Lloyd: Let's get going.

Genis: … Yeah!

Aww, touching, no?

They all return to Aisha's house.

Raine: So, confirming that the monster here is NOT the Summon Spirit, that means that the Seal should be near the Balacruf Mausoleum.

Linar: Based on these notes I store around the house for no reason, I can confirm that that's where you'll find what you're looking for.

Raine: Al right, our next destination is set. Let's head out.

Before Raine can exit, Aisha gives her a hug.

Aisha: Thank you, for everything.

Raine smiles. Genis gives Harley a thumbs up as they head out. Near the entrance, they see Sheena leaning near the cliff.

Sheena: Took you long enough.

Colette: Sheena! Were you waiting for us so you can come along with us?

Sheena: No! I just wanted to deliver you THIS.

Corrine comes from around the corner, carrying Kratos with his tiny little teeth. Too adorable. Kratos is wearing a tutu over his usual outfit, and his face is smeared with ketchup.

Lloyd: Um … thanks?

Sheena: No prob.

Sheena vanishes. Kratos awakens and immediately stands up.

Kratos: … Hey guys … what's up?

Raine: Kratos … what the Hell?

Kratos: It's a long horrible story that I do not wish to get into. It involves me spending the last couple of minutes dancing for rats behind a restaurant, eating birds and doing the Macarena for ketchup packets … so I can murder them.

Genis: … For once, I'm left with so many questions that I DON'T want answered.

Lloyd: Yeah, let's just go.

Colette: That would be best.

They all head out, with the knowledge that they'll never look at Kratos the same way ever again.

Kratos: Hold me closer, tiny dancer.

Lloyd: What!?

Kratos: I mean, do you have a towel I could borrow. I got ketchup stains all over my tutu.

**The End!**


End file.
